Punocracy

… where sa-tyres never go flat

From Our Allies

Losing the birth lottery

Once you are born in Nigeria, you already have the special privilege of being a citizen of the poverty capital of the world. At this point, you must pray hard even before you can talk, so you are not one of the 4 in 10 Nigerians living in extreme poverty. If you even happen not to be at the point of birth, your prayers must not cease, lest you are one of the 6 Nigerians falling into poverty every minute.

Read more
From Our Allies

Secrets behind Major General Buhari’s ruthlessness | Tunde Odesola

I didn’t forget that this incorruptible major-general is for everybody and for nobody. This is why he could proudly identify with his children’s numerous foreign certificates, but not with their tuitions. This is natural; honest major-generals don’t like stains on their starched khakis. They won’t look kindly at you if you blow the kakaki when you see their long, lean hands in the hot pot of soup and the palm oil tell-tale on their bony lips. Abeg, don’t ask me where the money could have come from; manna still falls in the Katsina desert, you unbeliever!

Read more
The T.A. Report

Democracy files for divorce. ‘I’m leaving Nigeria for Dubai,’ she says.

Democracy said she can no longer tolerate Nigeria’s abusive behaviour. Almost consistently, he hits her with the rattan cane of electoral malpractice, the bullwhip of press censorship, as well as the leather belts of indiscriminate arrests and illegal detentions. According to her, the injuries she sustained from the gubernatorial elections in Kogi and Bayelsa states, where both electoral materials and electoral officials went missing, nearly killed her.

Read more
From Our Allies

Ganduje monopolises corruption in Kano, brags of PhD in Pocketing Dollars

“Let me state clearly without any equivocation that anyone of you who engages in corrupt practices will be thrown out of office. There can’t be two kings in a kingdom. I have made frantic efforts to reach the zenith in corrupt and shady dealings; particularly, in pocketing dollars. Therefore, I urge you all to accord me the exclusive right as the Sarkin Dollars of Nigeria,” he said.

Read more
The Village People's Dictionary

The VP’s Dictionary: Activist, constituted authority, corruption, and 22 other words

Collins Dictionary, for instance, defines a road as “a long piece of hard ground which is built between two places so that people can drive or ride easily from one place to the other”. That’s correct you know—but only as long as you don’t import that understanding to Nigeria. Things are much different here… So different we’d need the entire dictionary rewritten to suit our realities. Here, a road would be more appropriately defined as “a warzone where potholes are mines, shock absorbers are shields, curses are bullets—and from which every soldier returns home a casualty”.

Read more