Job advert: Kidnappers wanted. No experience? No problem.
One thing that stands our company out from the rest is our Corporate Social Responsibility and gender-sensitive policies. We do not low-ranking members to engage in sexual violence. We do not collect ransom for unborn babies and only charge for the pregnant mothers.
Nigerian man paid to fix local hospitals again runs abroad to treat himself
Nigeria’s highest-paid civil servant, Mohd Boo-Harry alias Bad Boy alias Kilokanmi (What is My Business?) alias E Choke (?), has again dipped hands into his employers’ purse for a “medical check-up” in London even after being handsomely paid to upgrade the country’s health facilities.
Nigeria to set up insurance scheme for kidnap victims
“Think about it for a moment,” said the country’s defence minister Babachir Magaji during a press briefing on Monday. “We have to be prepared. Getting kidnapped is not a matter of ‘if’ anymore, it is about ‘when’. And it is not something that affects just one social class or ethnic group. Everybody is eating the breakfast.”
‘Only cowards run from terrorists,’ says Nigeria’s minister of self-defence
Making his first public appearance in years, General Babachir ‘I-Once-Fought-A-Lion-With-My-Bare-Hands’ Magaji, on Wednesday, regaled journalists with stories of how he fought in the Nigerian Civil War with nothing but a table knife.
Buharists surprisingly not exempted from govt’s harsh policies
“Since the Central Bank of Nigeria placed a ban on cryptocurrency transactions yesterday, we have read the letter and other documents countless times to see whether there is an exception for Buharists because, as well all know, Bubu is loyal to his loyalists. News splash! No one is exempted, not even Ogundesi.”
Local man with zero knowledge of vaccines speaks boldly about them
Even though Local Man is a graduate of The Performing Arts and has since worked as a party photographer, he has at least watched one YouTube video, read three blogposts, and forwarded four WhatsApp broadcast messages (after seeing the word vaccine and many exclamation marks in the first paragraph) on the subject of vaccination. Naturally, he now considers himself an expert.
‘I hope they won’t notice.’ Cleric disguises normal events as prophecies
Local Nigerian pastor, Bishop E.A. “Ojuonitiwa” Joshua, has finally released a couple of prophecies for the infant year, 2021. Strangely, however, many of the events foretold are things with a 95 to 100 per cent chance of happening anyway.
Nigerian gets kidnapped abroad. Nigerians react on behalf of govt.
From setting up a committee to blaming the victim for being reckless, Nigerians have predicted with hilariously sorrowful accuracy how their government would likely react to one of the country’s citizens getting abducted by criminals in a foreign country, say Libya.
Buari’s speech on Lekki Massacre still being edited
The presidency has asked Nigerians to be patient for the part II of Mahmud Buari’s speech to the country on the End SARS campaign, explaining that the section containing his position on the Lekki Massacre and other key issues is still with the video editor.
Again, VP’s heart ‘goes out’ for some fresh air
The restless heart of Nigeria’s Vice President, Professor Yemii Osibande (PYO) has again gone out for some fresh air in the light of the ongoing civil war declared by the Nigerian government against her people.
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