The discovery of ‘Nobody Holy’: A previously untold story
Some say the it was forged by an ancient sorcerer out of the last remnants of icing on ‘Geria’s national cake at the point where River Niger meets River Benue. Others say it was birthed after a rare intercourse between a Marlian and a Tacha Stan. But regardless of what version is true, ‘Nobody Holy’ made its way to the hearts and tongue of all ‘Gerians, old and young, male and female, and everyone in-between. And that was when things started to fall apart.
Nigeria changes currency from naira to ‘long leg’, says policy ‘long overdue’
Okorafor clarified that the long legs the bank is referring to are not those of a tall woman used to prey on unsuspecting victims, but the local slang used by Nigerians to refer to extraordinary privileges and favouritism, also popularly known as “connection”.
Independence Day: Abuja civil servants celebrate in style, take two months break
Reports indicate that “as a show of patriotism”, thousands of workers have travelled out of the Federal Capital Territory as early as the last week of August in preparation for the big day.
The Nigerian government’s guide to road maintenance
There are some silly countries, such as Canada, that have created online forms and helplines just for people to complain about potholes. Every year, the city of Toronto alone spends millions of dollars repairing hundreds of thousands of potholes and then—wait for it—also gives progress reports to the people about how many potholes they’ve massacred. Who does that? Aren’t they aware that potholes are citizens with fundamental human rights? Don’t they know they are a necessary evil that deserve to be treated with love, care, and respect?
Putting an end to xenophobic attacks—Nigerian style!
First, have shitty embassies. You know, embassies that don’t make noise; embassies that like keeping things lowkey, especially when the ordinary Nigerian is under threat. What is a travel advisory? That strange concept should have no place in your dictionary. Your country already has one of the world’s largest populations and your citizens are everywhere, strutting like they own the planet together with all its continents and crannies. Of course, the last thing you want to do is further amplify your presence with some embassy or high commission that promptly speaks out for its people.
DSS arrest geography teacher for teaching solar revolution
He added that the curriculum revision recently done by the federal government has suggested alternatives for topics or theories that may be considered (t)reasonably unfair to the administration. “Solar revolution” is now to be known as “solar gyration” and all historical revolutions, such as the 1917 Russian revolution or the 1959 Cuban revolution, are now to be referred to simply as unrests—but must not be taught in classes.
Why obey a court order when…
Why obey a court order when there’s Twitter? Even if lots of innocent, precious lives are lost during a protest over the continued detention of someone despite court orders, all you need is a thread that starts with you “most deeply commiserating with the families” of the victims, continues with a threat to the protesters, and ends with a prayer to God—you know, because Nigerians don’t just love prayers, they also love (authoritarian) leaders who pray.
Nigeria’s grand ayatolla, Abba Kyari re-appoints self as chief of staff
ABUJA (The T.A. Report) ― Alternate reports reaching us say Abba Kyari has finally re-appointed himself as the federal government’s Chief of Staff. In a letter of notification to presidential…
Nigerians shocked as new study shows pastors aren’t really that different
The report launched in Abuja, on Saturday, by the Commonsensically Objective Scientists’ Association (COSA) has however been received with great suspicion by Nigerians. It has also generated heated controversy, with some accusing the researchers, many of whom are agnostics, of being biased against the house of God.
Senator Omo-Agege may have stolen INEC server, sources say
“Only this man has the skills and resources to pull off such a heist,” an official of the electoral commission told our correspondent on Saturday. “Don’t be surprised if the INEC server is found under a pedestrian bridge like the mace was, or maybe put up for sale as fairly used at the Computer Village in Lagos.”