Tubosun Ajanaku

Making his first public appearance in years, General Babachir ‘I-Once-Fought-A-Lion-With-My-Bare-Hands’ Magaji, on Wednesday, regaled journalists with stories of how he fought in the Nigerian Civil War with nothing but a table knife.

“Since the Central Bank of Nigeria placed a ban on cryptocurrency transactions yesterday, we have read the letter and other documents countless times to see whether there is an exception for Buharists because, as well all know, Bubu is loyal to his loyalists. News splash! No one is exempted, not even Ogundesi.”

Even though Local Man is a graduate of The Performing Arts and has since worked as a party photographer, he has at least watched one YouTube video, read three blogposts, and forwarded four WhatsApp broadcast messages (after seeing the word vaccine and many exclamation marks in the first paragraph) on the subject of vaccination. Naturally, he now considers himself an expert.

Local Nigerian pastor, Bishop E.A. “Ojuonitiwa” Joshua, has finally released a couple of prophecies for the infant year, 2021. Strangely, however, many of the events foretold are things with a 95 to 100 per cent chance of happening anyway.

From setting up a committee to blaming the victim for being reckless, Nigerians have predicted with hilariously sorrowful accuracy how their government would likely react to one of the country’s citizens getting abducted by criminals in a foreign country, say Libya.

The presidency has asked Nigerians to be patient for the part II of Mahmud Buari’s speech to the country on the End SARS campaign, explaining that the section containing his position on the Lekki Massacre and other key issues is still with the video editor.

The restless heart of Nigeria’s Vice President, Professor Yemii Osibande (PYO) has again gone out for some fresh air in the light of the ongoing civil war declared by the Nigerian government against her people.

The Federal Government has reacted to a spate of attacks launched against websites and Twitter handles belonging to some of its agencies by Anonymous, an international hacktivist movement, and said the group is free to keep them. “It is not like we were using them before,” said presidential spokesperson Fem De-sin during an interview on Sunset Weekly.

“You know the only other protest to have received such international recognition is the #BringBackOurGirls movement. But the truth is we cannot scrap SARS now because we have not reached our revenue generation goals for the last quarter of 2020 so we are trying to fast-track things or at least attain 50 per cent completion. It is this money we still use to fund campaigns during election, buy fuel to sustain police stations, and pay for some of our unofficial trips abroad. Nigerians who have had encounters with SARS have no idea how important their contributions are to national development.”