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The T.A. Report

UPDATE: Hottest place in Hell now reserved for Lekki Massacre deniers

UPDATE: Hottest place in Hell now reserved for Lekki Massacre deniers

INFERNO HQ (The T.A. Report) ― The guest/inmates list for a VIP section in the hottest part of Hellfire has recently been updated, making it the exclusive reserve of people who deny that extrajudicial killings happened on October 20, 2020, during the End SARS demonstration.

According to a leaked document obtained by The T.A. Report’s afterlife correspondent, denying that peaceful protesters were killed despite clear evidence to the contrary is not only a sin of sycophancy, secondary murder, and stupidity, it is pure evil.

This paper believes the Lekki Massacre deniers will be sharing the burning block with holocaust deniers, top Nazi commanders, Grade A serial killers, Olympic looters of public funds, and those involved in the extra-judicial murders themselves.

“We have always wondered what we would do with this special section. But with news coming in from Nigeria, the answer just came right at us,” a Hellfire spokesperson, who asked not to be named because he wasn’t authorised to speak, told us. “It is funny because we already consider Nigeria one of our major outposts. Like, have those people not suffered enough?”

We understand that one of the features that distinguishes this section of Hell from others is that experimental punishments for some of the other inmates are first beta-tested here.

When we reached out to Nigeria’s propaganda minister, Uncle Laye Mohammed, with our findings, he did not hesitate to dismiss them as fake news.

“It is as fake as claims that there was any massacre in Lekki on that day,” he insisted. “Not a single live round was fired. Those red stains were from paintballs and the startling sounds were from special drums beaten by members of the Nigerian Army Band. Not a single soul was killed, I tell you.”

Uncle Laye added that the only thing that would make him shift his position is if someone were to show him a 360 degree virtual reality footage of the event while also providing the permanent NIMC cards of the victims or if there was proof that any important person was accidentally killed, “such as a politician’s child”.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Hell:

Caveat: Note that this piece is a fictional satire aimed purely at humour. The words above are nothing but products of a drunk writer’s imagination. We hereby refuse to accept responsibility for the results of anyone’s credulity or mischief. Do not take us seriously. We repeat; do not take us serious! … On second thought though, maybe you should do just that.

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I am Tubosun, the first son of Ajanaku; and my forte lies in casting light upon the bottomless pits of societal ills through the pastiche of news and satire.

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