They toggle the power on and off as if it were a toy they were given to play with as children. At the NEPA office, they chant their slogan before restoring power, “You foolish people, we are about to turn on the light for you,” and when they shut it off again, another slogan resounds, “Back to sender, all your curses are not for us.”
When some lawyers start to behave recklessly and executives exchange dirty laundry in public, and we don’t see any decisive step to correct it, you will realise why Portable is a good fit for their conference. It’s the open season. Let Portable celebrate with the silks. Let Ìdààmú àdúgbò dance with ìdààmú àgbejoro. It’s the clown meeting the gown.
Now, we will open the line for callers to contribute. The topic we have been discussing is: Ahead of the election tribunal judgement, what is your opinion? You already know the rules. Move away from your radio set. Do not use swear words. Remember, we are in the state of the ọmọlúàbí. And mention your name and where you are calling from. Hello, good morning.
The Oh-Hey-You management has debunked the viral dress code circular, which sprouted several reactions on the social media space in the late hours of Sunday, adding that even though it has no idea where it came from, it is working on the official version — which sources say may be just as bad.
At about 3:00 a.m., just before dawn on Wednesday, 15th of March, 2023, a chocolate-coloured old man, with a bald head, deserted beard and moustache, baggy face and fading eyes, stretches on his bed made of gold in his well-furnished master bedroom and begins a sleep talk that lasts for two hours. The white blanket that shields half of his body before now folds out over his uncontrolled stretch.
Nigeria is a vast land full of gullible people with no faith. It is where you are told salvation is free but you need to buy anointing oil and holy water, pastor’s stickers and even pay for your miracles. Yes, you have to pay for all of these because the Nigerian god blesses based on the measure you give.
Nigerians will accord you some respect when you go about with your bottle, sipping the water in bits. Never be in a hurry to drink everything at once, no matter how thirsty you are. When you are about to talk to a friend, open up and have a sip. Make sure there’s always at least a quarter of the contents left, at which point you can drop it inside your car. That is more honourable.
There is nothing more exhilarating than pitching for international opportunities, right? Well, hold on to your press passes and grab a pen because I’m about to lay out the hurdles that’ll make you question everything you thought you knew about the glamorous wanderlust-filled life of a reporter.
The regional bloc, CEDEAO, is afraid the dark days of military rule from the 1960s will return, where soldiers would seize their source of income and refuse to let go after realising how profitable and intoxicating power can be in Africa. But Nijeyrians do not mind having khaki-wearing commandos formulate and implement policies. After all, they have had several decades of democracy but are still one of the world’s poorest countries — taking some of the stench away from Naijiriya.
Even our prominent president reportedly set the pace in sign-a-thon. Apparently, to prove a point, Mr President hit the ground running by signing four bills in two weeks! The president deserves an accolade and a certificate of excellence as, perhaps, the first number one citizen to achieve this feat. Though a critic ridiculed the achievement by saying the bills are low-hanging fruits, I think it is deserving of a medal from no less than the GWR headquarters.