#BoJexit: Blood of Jesus flees Nigeria, relocates to Canada
“I have been enduring this for decades and I have honestly been trying to cope, when Nigerians buy a new car, they cover it with the blood of Jesus, when they build a new house, they cover it with the blood of Jesus, when they start a business, they cover it with the blood of Jesus, when they are going on a Journey they cover it with the blood of Jesus, when they are investing in a Ponzi Scheme, they cover it with the blood of Jesus, even their lives are covered with the blood of Jesus!
Dictator(ship) dey disguise: On Buhari’s address to Nigerians
The past four days have been trying times. The country has been visibly shaken by the deliberate shooting of peaceful protesters in Lekki. This calculated malevolence has brought tears to many eyes, birthed fear, and squeezed sympathy from more foreigners. Even Beyonce finally donated food, what we needed the most. A silver lining may have been the discovery of a CA-COVID warehouse and the distribution of the hoarded resources on behalf of the government.
Buari’s speech on Lekki Massacre still being edited
The presidency has asked Nigerians to be patient for the part II of Mahmud Buari’s speech to the country on the End SARS campaign, explaining that the section containing his position on the Lekki Massacre and other key issues is still with the video editor.
Again, VP’s heart ‘goes out’ for some fresh air
The restless heart of Nigeria’s Vice President, Professor Yemii Osibande (PYO) has again gone out for some fresh air in the light of the ongoing civil war declared by the Nigerian government against her people.
Of Lekki Massacre and Nigeria’s dangerous anthem | Chuma Nwokolo
Following years of military disgrace by Boko Haram teens, our soldiers (fondly called Zombi-o by Fela) last night restored the Army’s glory in a battle against flag-waving #EndSARS protesters who had attacked first with verses of Nigeria’s dangerous National Anthem.
Buharii wonders why Nigerians are still protesting despite high-level meetings
“What have we not done in the past two weeks? We have released what, about 10, press statements? I have met with several government officials and shared clear pictures of these high-level meetings to assure Nigerians of my personal involvement. We have in fact, you know, technically defeated SARS and replaced two of the letters. My wife’s solidarity tweet did not even have any effect,” he lamented.
How to be a sane Nigerian
Vera Nazarian once said that if you are faced with a mountain, you have several options. You can climb it and cross to the other side. You can go around it. You can dig under it. You can fly over it. You can blow it up. You can ignore it and pretend it’s not there. You can turn around and go back the way you came. Or you can stay on the mountain and make it your home. Nigeria is that wonderful mountain Vera is talking about. You are free to do whatsoever suits you here.
‘Not like we were using them before’: FG to Anonymous on hacked sites
The Federal Government has reacted to a spate of attacks launched against websites and Twitter handles belonging to some of its agencies by Anonymous, an international hacktivist movement, and said the group is free to keep them. “It is not like we were using them before,” said presidential spokesperson Fem De-sin during an interview on Sunset Weekly.
How to gossip about the good government of Nigeria
Whenever you see men seated in a bar, they are gossiping about how good this country has been to them from time immemorial. They are gossiping about how everywhere and everything in Nigeria is secured and protected. You can walk to any Nigerian police in the street when in trouble and he would lay down his life to protect you. Police is our friend, isn’t what we were told?
Why we cannot #EndSARS
Fine, we know we keep quiet when you young people cry, bleed and die every day. But does that make us bad leaders? Are you not aware that every blessed day, we pray for you? And that we always have you in our minds? Why then have you decided to profess such abomination as #EndSARS? Why so ungrateful?
Odueso, Olajide, Nzere clinch top spots in 2020 satire prize contest
Oluwatimilehin Odueso, Favour Olajide, and Solomon Nzere have emerged the top entrants in this year’s prize for satire competition organised by Punocracy. Odueso’s How to raise a true believer was adjudged the overall best entry by the judges, followed by Olajide’s The Next Nigerian Leader: A reality TV show, and Nzere’s The Gospelpreneur — Letter to David.
Dictionary entry: SARS
(of the police, ‘special’ enforcement agents, etc.) to pre-design (a) crime(s) in ambush for sb., especially when they are presumed to own a smartphone or a laptop; or wear flashy hairdo and/or dress flamboyantly: The police has just SARSed Dele for wearing Gucci | Put on your slippers instead of those Adidas, or do you want to be SARSed?
Marlians don’t follow instructions: A report on Thursday’s #EndSARS protests
“If you’re not an armed robber why will you be afraid of SARS, I have lived in Lagos for over 30 years and SARS has not harassed me one day, why will they be moving around with big big phones as young as they are; where did they get the money?”
Police brutalise protesters protesting police brutality
“You know the only other protest to have received such international recognition is the #BringBackOurGirls movement. But the truth is we cannot scrap SARS now because we have not reached our revenue generation goals for the last quarter of 2020 so we are trying to fast-track things or at least attain 50 per cent completion. It is this money we still use to fund campaigns during election, buy fuel to sustain police stations, and pay for some of our unofficial trips abroad. Nigerians who have had encounters with SARS have no idea how important their contributions are to national development.”
Shortlist: 2020 Punocracy Prize for Satire
Winners of the prize for the literature category will be announced a week from now and will be awarded, alongside the honorably mentioned contestants, at the World Satire Day event scheduled to take place in November.