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The T.A. Report

DSS arrest geography teacher for teaching solar revolution 

He added that the curriculum revision recently done by the federal government has suggested alternatives for topics or theories that may be considered (t)reasonably unfair to the administration. “Solar revolution” is now to be known as “solar gyration” and all historical revolutions, such as the 1917 Russian revolution or the 1959 Cuban revolution, are now to be referred to simply as unrests—but must not be taught in classes.

From Our Allies

Nigeria Air’s death anniversary and why Gbajabiamila needs 361 aides—by Oladeinde Olawoyin 

So, as things stand, Mr Gbajabiamila’s decision to appoint just 33 aides is a disaster waiting to happen. He needs more and more aides—-at least 360, a number that matches the gigantic structure of his dreams and of course the number of members he has to deal with in the House, especially those recalcitrant opposition figures. And as he has shown commendable espirit de corps by appointing former members of the House as aides, there are still more people from where those ones came. He could go back to the archive and check through names of House members who lost re-election bids since 1999 and he would have more than enough. Of course, no number would be enough for this kind of dream, anyway.

From Our Allies, Prize for Satire

Dear Baba… an open letter to President Buhari 

Permit me to also inform you to disregard requests from Iranian government telling you to send El-Zakzaky to their country for medical attention. Like who does that? With the best of medical facilities we have in the country? Who goes abroad for medical attention⸺well, if not you? We that have more than enough medical doctors, and we don’t even mind lending them to the UK or Canada to practice? Don’t mind Iran; their leaders must be jokers. Our medical facility is superior to that of any nation in the world, and the Shiite leader is receiving the best treatment anyone can get.

Unseriously Serious

Why obey a court order when… 

Why obey a court order when there’s Twitter? Even if lots of innocent, precious lives are lost during a protest over the continued detention of someone despite court orders, all you need is a thread that starts with you “most deeply commiserating with the families” of the victims, continues with a threat to the protesters, and ends with a prayer to God—you know, because Nigerians don’t just love prayers, they also love (authoritarian) leaders who pray.

Cartoon of a scene from the Biafran war © Tayo Fatunla
From Our Allies

There is a war coming, but not to worry… 

There is a war coming, and it’s filled with lots of jokes; comedian number one⸺Miyetti Allah. Let’s start with what’s not funny, Miyetti Allah getting pissed. You don’t want a pissed Miyetti on your hands, nahhh. When Miyetti gets pissed, monkeys get socked in blood and we don’t want that either, especially seeing as our monkey’s hate the sight of blood. We must do everything to keep Miyetti Allah happy, even if it means giving out our ancestral lands. After all, Fulanis own all the land in Nigeria; they just leased some out to our forefathers. You didn’t know? Then your ancestors are the ones at fault for not giving you the memo.

From Our Allies

Who needs traditional protests when we have social media! 

In the last month, we have recorded enormous success, starting with Pastor Biodun stepping down from his position as Head of COZA. Nigerians took it from the streets of Social Media to the streets of Abuja, right in front of his church building, dragged not only the image of this “Man Of God” but also took it a step further by shaming his churchgoers as well since they must have had a hand in his promiscuity and alleged sexual predation. Shaming Sunday churchgoers was just the right thing to do. Anyway, Pastor Biodun stepped down. Nigerians won.

From Our Allies

A Modest Proposal—on Ruga, Buhari’s overdue foreign travel, and other matters 

Lastly, Senator Ademola Adeleke — the legendary dancing senator — has lost his election petition case at the apex court. Too bad. In spite of the many shreds of evidence informing the court of the ruling party’s unwholesome activities in the Osun election, Adeleke lost. The presiding judge premised verdict on ‘legal technicality’, a term that has since thrown the literate and the unlettered among Nigerians into the puddle of befuddlement.