Once upon a (great) country
In another state, the governor reiterated that the king’s welfare is paramount to the workers’ survival because who are the workers without the king. So he went on to buy a Rolls Royce with a few billions of Naira for the king of one village without paying the workers’ salary. Of course, the workers did not move a finger in protest since they understood the importance of a new car purchase for the king, whose old cars were unbefitting of his status in the league of powerful kings.
The seven commandments of surviving in Nigerian politics
Politics in Nigeria is so fickle and vacillating. No one can be so sure of what comes next. One minute, the masses are singing your praises and the next moment you are struggling to get them to vote for you. This might be because of a single action or inaction which you consider insignificant but turns out to be significant enough to pull you down. So always have a backup plan.
Kogi elections: Was democracy raped?
Because the Presidency holds the lives of the citizens in high esteem, they have to, first of all, congratulate whoever wins in Kogi, applaud INEC for a job well done and shower encomium on security operatives before they — if they will — count the number of lost lives, rough-handled citizens, injured voters, and traumatised individuals. Meanwhile, it is an offence to mentally or physically endanger any kind of animal in the UK.
Democracy files for divorce. ‘I’m leaving Nigeria for Dubai,’ she says.
Democracy said she can no longer tolerate Nigeria’s abusive behaviour. Almost consistently, he hits her with the rattan cane of electoral malpractice, the bullwhip of press censorship, as well as the leather belts of indiscriminate arrests and illegal detentions. According to her, the injuries she sustained from the gubernatorial elections in Kogi and Bayelsa states, where both electoral materials and electoral officials went missing, nearly killed her.
We rice by closing borders
There might be too much sand in the local rice, but how does the average Nigerian youth who is lazy learn the importance of hard work if we keep feeding them with the type of rice they get to wash once and cook, without hassles? Can you believe there are brands of foreign rice you can cook right away without even washing first? God forbid that our government of ostentatiously high integrity continues to indulge that kind of laxity.
Politician who hopes people are ‘that stupid’ goes on his knees to get his failed colleague re-elected
The combination of a few thousand nairas, some derica of local rice, and El-Rufus’s touching apology for his blood-sucking political ally, a new poll revealed, has significantly swayed the electorate in favour of Bail-Low.
You-High authorities endorse SU presidential candidate, VC explains why
“I see nothing bad in damaging banners so far it’s not the school’s properties,” he said. “The aspirants should feel free to do what they like, but what they don’t know is that the results of the elections are ready. So they would only be foolish to keep antagonising themselves. Our preferred candidate for President is from Law.”
Nigerians and the so-called African time
Nigerians’ great respect for time is shown in their creation of another form of time that best suits their demands, known as the “African time.” So when a Nigerian fixes time for some important event, don’t be surprised when the event starts at the allocated time, the next day. That’s among the wonders of the African Time.
UI VC sets SU electoral rules, warns against allowing beardless contestants for presidency
“As part of your duties, you must diligently scrutinise all candidates and ensure that only those whose beards are naturally grown contest for president. This is a non-negotiable criterion. Any contestant with artificial beards must be screened out outright and his name forwarded to the Student Disciplinary Committee (SDC) for betrayal of nature and impersonation.”
Punocracy holds first Prize for Satire award ceremony, declares Nov. 9 World Satire Day
“We could easily tell you that according to history books, November 9, 1989, was when East Germany denounced the Berlin Wall after which German citizens tore it down, and how we want the day to fit into this narrative of freedom and absence of censorship. Or we could tell you that November 9 (11/9) is actually an inversion of 9/11 and tie this to how there are always alternative, civilised ways of venting grievances … But the truth is it is just a convenient date for us.”
An introduction to Fundamental Human Rights: the Nigerian sub-species
Just like any other progressive government in today’s world, the Nigerian government holds the subject of “human rights” to be of paramount importance. Fundamental human rights are so important they…
Ganduje monopolises corruption in Kano, brags of PhD in Pocketing Dollars
“Let me state clearly without any equivocation that anyone of you who engages in corrupt practices will be thrown out of office. There can’t be two kings in a kingdom. I have made frantic efforts to reach the zenith in corrupt and shady dealings; particularly, in pocketing dollars. Therefore, I urge you all to accord me the exclusive right as the Sarkin Dollars of Nigeria,” he said.
Fake news, fake legislators, fake government
Fake news on social media is an idiot. It is responsible for the hunger in the land, the slow growth rate of our economy, the increase in impoverished people, the poor power sector, the constant diminishing of our educational standards, and the mammoth crowd of Nigerians seeking to run out of the country. We’ve even closed our borders to avoid entrance of foreign fake news.
Satire 0-1 News: Flood destroys Nigerian prison as inmates escape, praying for BH, and other stories
Facts are oftentimes stranger than fiction just as news is oftentimes more hilarious than satire. We live in a world (or country?) where journalists have, without intending it, become greater…
The VP’s Dictionary: Animal rights, businessman, CEO, and 20 other words
17. Prayer: (n) The solution to every problem imaginable, including bad roads, bad leadership, and a lack of preparedness for examinations. If it doesn’t work, experts suggest that the soul must be troubled or that the dose is doubled.