As a Budding Yahoo Boy, Diezani is my Role Model and Future ‘Maga’
As Yahoo Boy — whether a newbie who just stumbled on the business or a learned scholar who just started practising but is committed and promising with lofty dreams —…
Nigeria’s grand ayatolla, Abba Kyari re-appoints self as chief of staff
ABUJA (The T.A. Report) ― Alternate reports reaching us say Abba Kyari has finally re-appointed himself as the federal government’s Chief of Staff. In a letter of notification to presidential…
Who needs a Canadian visa?
Start with the COZA thriller — the sub-plot of protest and counter-protest in Abuja. A group of ladies and men faithful to the randy daddy G.O, it was reported, had hit the COZA church to protest against the anti-rape protesters. Their argument? It is profane and blasphemous to drag the body of Krest…oh no, of Christ in the in petty and muddy allegation of rape. But while the Lord was busy attending celestial matters, the earthly foot soldiers had deemed it fit to come in defence of His anointed. ‘It is not the body of Christ we are dragging in the mud, it is a serial rapist we have come to drag to the prison,’ the other camp protested. Matter laid to rest.
It’s not rape… it’s consented rape
She dares to let her plus-size double D boobs jiggle freely like a pendulum, knowing full well how much you can’t resist boobs. Even if she doesn’t know about your lust for the mammary glands, it doesn’t matter. What matters is she dares come into your apartment looking hotter than Kylie Jenner and Kim K. put together, making your soldier salute her. She dares combine red and white — odindi valentine colours. My friend, the experts said I should tell you that, if you forcefully have penetrative sexual activity with her, there and then, while she’s trying to quickly reply her WhatsApp texts, it’s called consented rape.
Nigerians shocked as new study shows pastors aren’t really that different
The report launched in Abuja, on Saturday, by the Commonsensically Objective Scientists’ Association (COSA) has however been received with great suspicion by Nigerians. It has also generated heated controversy, with some accusing the researchers, many of whom are agnostics, of being biased against the house of God.
A traveller’s guide to enjoying Ekiti State; Nigeria’s yahoo yahoo capital.
“we do rituals a lot in this place, but they’ll ask you to donate yourself, before they use you, we don’t really force people to use them”. Local man reveals.
Senator Omo-Agege may have stolen INEC server, sources say
“Only this man has the skills and resources to pull off such a heist,” an official of the electoral commission told our correspondent on Saturday. “Don’t be surprised if the INEC server is found under a pedestrian bridge like the mace was, or maybe put up for sale as fairly used at the Computer Village in Lagos.”
How to celebrate Democracy Day
If you hold a position in government like being the President or the Governor, then know that you should give a speech on your hopes, plans, and aspiration for the country. Nigerians are waiting to see your face at a convention, parade, or something. Make sure you show up on TV and say something headline-worthy.
If Nigerians adopted Buhari’s odd approach to assets declaration…
In the news: President Buhari submits assets declaration forms President Muhammadu Buhari has, in compliance with the constitution of the Federal Republic of Nigeria, submitted his assets declaration forms to…
Dear newly sworn-in government officials …
After four years, you’ll be left with our doses of curses and prayers. We’ll forget the roads you built. The two-room block of classrooms you commissioned, the borehole you drilled with a manual pump. But we’ll never forget how the economy went down and how we battled recession. How the megawatts of electricity never increased. How you canvassed our votes by promising us our rights and how you never did more than wear agbada and pass bills about increasing your salaries. And yes! We will not forget how you raise your two fingers and shout democracy o!
Competence insists on remaining in exile as Buhari begins second term
Sources at the state house, who we admit were not very sober at the time, told the T.A. Report that someone called Loyalty has occupied the office previously used by Competence since May 2015. There are indications this office will be converted into a full-fledged agency in the coming months.
Tokunbo cars petition UN, lament ‘cruelty’ in Nigeria
Mr Volkswagen Jetta, the network’s public relations officer, lamented that it is only in Nigeria you find seven people sitting in a place clearly meant for two.
“One large buttock or two will now be dragging our gearshifts with the driver,” he said. “And, for our minibus-members, those ones called conductors even have one leg in the vehicle and one outside because of lack of space. Let us not even go into how one car is forced to carry loads meant for a lorry.”
How to be a Nigerian Scholar in the West—by James Yékú
You are “in the abroad” and your views must be seen by these irrational colleagues you have left in the dark as the absolute and irrefutable truths. After all, their research is a mere survivalist response to a parlous postcolonial state you are so generous to theorize in your peer-reviewed essays. Yours is the finest example of scholarship and your prestigious location is the desired Mecca those at home dream only about.
How to write about Africa—by Binyavanga Wainaina
In your text, treat Africa as if it were one country. It is hot and dusty with rolling grasslands and huge herds of animals and tall, thin people who are starving. Or it is hot and steamy with very short people who eat primates. Don’t get bogged down with precise descriptions. Africa is big: fifty-four countries, 900 million people who are too busy starving and dying and warring and emigrating to read your book.
Behind the scenes: Buhari’s prayers in Medina
Somewhere in the Arabian desert, two frames dressed in white ihram, one much taller than the second, are seen discussing in hushed tones and with a seriousness characteristic of Nigeria, one of the world’s very advanced nations. The Sun provides a natural filter for the faces of His Excellency, the president of the Federal Republic of Nigeria, and his most senior media adviser… but Bayo Omoboriowo, the president’s photographer, is not close-by to capture the unique scene.