‘Only cowards run from terrorists,’ says Nigeria’s minister of self-defence
Making his first public appearance in years, General Babachir ‘I-Once-Fought-A-Lion-With-My-Bare-Hands’ Magaji, on Wednesday, regaled journalists with stories of how he fought in the Nigerian Civil War with nothing but a table knife.
Guide to surviving as a child in an African home
Except members of your immediate family, the rest are witches and wizards. Their foods are forbidden for you, so are cash and material gifts from them. In the event that you are cornered and have no choice than to except gifts from them, make sure to give them to your mother for effective and thorough cleansing and safe-keeping, as the case may be.
How to think of Africa and Africans
As an African, if you don’t know already, the benchmark of global standards should always be the west. Looking for just and fair democracies? The west has it (never mind cracks in their institutions and racial segregations). Thinking of ways of how the world should progress in the areas of science, arts and technology? The west is the best bet (hey, shut that thought that African cultures, sciences and traditions are equally viable).
Five jobs that will make you an overnight millionaire in Nigeria
There are at least 21 million unemployed Nigerians, with a 30.7% underemployment rate in a country of 209 million people. The circumstances of many Nigerians have put them in morally precarious situations, forcing many Nigerians to either become criminals or take whatever the country has to offer them; in most cases, nothing.
Being a Nigerian house agent—in six simple codes
You must be able to convince your clients on why they must pay an inspection fee before you take them to a house – whether they would like it or not. If the rooms of the house are small, magnify them with your mouth. Tell them the rooms will get bigger as they live in it. If the toilets or bathroom is like a cubicle, tell them that’s the trend and, if it was any bigger, they might mistake it for a room.
Buharists surprisingly not exempted from govt’s harsh policies
“Since the Central Bank of Nigeria placed a ban on cryptocurrency transactions yesterday, we have read the letter and other documents countless times to see whether there is an exception for Buharists because, as well all know, Bubu is loyal to his loyalists. News splash! No one is exempted, not even Ogundesi.”
How to be a lecturer in Nigerian universities
First, you need to reserve the highest grade for immortals, like Jesus, Allah, Sango, Amadioha, or any deity you worship. Mortals shouldn’t get an A. It can be only over your dead body. You didn’t get A’s in some courses during your time, what makes the students think they are better than you?
Street 101: Five lessons from the (Lagos) city
My city has taught me that greatness demands sacrifice. Do not be scared, you don’t need blood and rituals. You sacrifice money! In the city, you (must) buy a bunch of bananas for a thousand naira. A plate of food for 50,000 naira, a bottle of water for half that price.
How to make easy money by promising giveaways
To those of you who have laid mat beside a new year giveaway post of iPhone 8 on social media — Instagram especially, I really commend your faith in the Nigerian God. Trust me he acknowledges your faith too. You know, as we all do, He rebukes every form of suffering for his children (Nigerians).
Local man with zero knowledge of vaccines speaks boldly about them
Even though Local Man is a graduate of The Performing Arts and has since worked as a party photographer, he has at least watched one YouTube video, read three blogposts, and forwarded four WhatsApp broadcast messages (after seeing the word vaccine and many exclamation marks in the first paragraph) on the subject of vaccination. Naturally, he now considers himself an expert.
Soro Sókè Werey! Reactions trail Parosident Sai Baba’s statement
“Sai Baba is quick to address the press and issue statements on events occurring thousands of miles away, but to address the one in his Iginmu, Sai Baba has turned ghost worker. Since he has time to be issuing statement for America, let him tell us who ordered the Lekki toll gate massacre!?? #SoroSoke Werey!”
Person of the Year Awards: Buhari, wife, Agent Fash, others win big
Many awards have been cancelled, some postponed like the Grammys, due to COVID-19. But not this. Our panelist said 2020 was a tough year for everyone, yet some Nigerians distinguished…
‘I hope they won’t notice.’ Cleric disguises normal events as prophecies
Local Nigerian pastor, Bishop E.A. “Ojuonitiwa” Joshua, has finally released a couple of prophecies for the infant year, 2021. Strangely, however, many of the events foretold are things with a 95 to 100 per cent chance of happening anyway.
“Democracy has been taken hostage in America,” says Sai Baba
In related news, the Nigerian ministry of Foreign Affairs in a travel advisory issued on its website has warned citizens of the country to reconsider traveling to the United States, particularly to the Washington DC area, due to post-election violence and the imminent fear of a break down in law and order.
A guide to becoming a quintessential Nigerian politician
You will build 30 schools in two weeks. You will feed every child three times a day plus supper at night. Poverty shall suffer. With you, Boko Haram shall all vanish. With you, there shall be no abduction of any sort. With you, nepotism and bribery and all other forms of corruption shall die by fire. Amen! Shout change. Preach change.
National Amnesia and Allied Matters Bill 2020
This is a bill for an Act to institutionalise National Amnesia, Official Corruption, Political Theatrics, and Insecurity in Nigeria. The Bill, herein referred to as NAAM, sets to cater for the peculiar mess of politicians and public officials, and also to stimulate and enhance pervasive docility among the masses.
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