‘Daddy Magu, we are sorry!’
First, your groundbreaking discovery on ‘kovid-one-nine’ is, no doubts, compelling and indelibly etched into the sands of time. All thanks to you, we now know that corruption is the cause of the pandemic. You needn’t be adorned with a lab coat, neither did you go through the troubles of conventional scientific research, you solved a global mystery before anyone could say Jack; a feat deserving of a Nobel prize.
The 10% of zero naira
PASTOR AJAYI: Calm down, let me talk. Since the beginning of lockdown, these people have refused to send their tithe. The church has not been receiving the alert of their 10%. Even when the church, in its magnanimity, sent bulk SMS to them to remind them, they refused to wire the money. The message even contained the church’s account details o. Still, they refused to send it. Parrot, I am angry.
Truth to God, elections in Nigeria are more orderly than examinations
Orderly elections are not alien to us in Nigeria. We’ve seen it happen over and over again. We’re even tired of seeing it — so tired that we have a steady decline in PVC collection rates and voter turnouts in every election year. One can even assess — in advance — the level of peace by giving attention to the words of the Umbrella and Broom people. They have been exchanging words of peace with each other as the elections beckons.
Hushdaddy Magu, don’t leave us, sir.
Amidst other questions their naive officers need answers to, the DSS also needs some advice on how he was able to transfer funds abroad via a third party. For only he can do these things, and there is no one like him. No. Don’t say the bush meat has caught the hunter. Say the bush meat volunteered to enter the hunter’s pot.
A new instalment of The Number Games film series premiers in Nigeria
Starting with the ongoing N-Power registration, reliable news outlets have it that over 3 million Nigerians have applied for the scheme within a week. In my considered view, this high number underscores the fact that this regime is doing enough to provide for its unemployed population. This number could have easily been in the range of a figure with two numbers preceding six “zeros” if not for the unprecedented efforts of the committed and fatherly president that we are highly privileged to have.
10 new words Covid-19 taught us
Front-line Health Workers: n, 1. People with a special type of face mask, sitting (or standing) in the same position everyday, while giving updates of things going on at the isolation centres. 2. A group of medical personnel treating infected persons for free as part of their service to humanity.
The cry of a baby police
Why did you decide to stop our only way of making personal money? This Covik 1-9 is brought by the gods to repay us of our good deeds. But you have chosen to punish us. You decided to lift the inter-state travel ban; for us the most profitable way of earning money ever.
LAW 101: Introduction to being an ideal law student
The first thing you should learn in the faculty are legal maxims. Maxims are usually in Latin. An example is ‘Nemo dat quod non habet’. In law, maxims can be likened to the proverbial palm oil with which words are eaten. You need not understand nor know the meaning of the maxims. Spice your words with them, especially when you are in the midst of non-law students. Make sure to keep them in the dark during conversations with them. This is to guarantee and increase their respects for you.
Another open letter
“This is power. The trust of the gazelles is in me. Leader go, leader come, I, Ajagbe am the leader’s leader, and I will enjoy this power till the end.” Ajagbe dug his already sticky chubby fingers into a bowl of dates as he relaxed in his chair which would soon need replacement if he kept filling his fat belly with dates.
Nigerians using jawmasks ask why ‘the damn thing’ isn’t working
ABUJA (The T.A. Report) ― Nigerians who have been adhering strictly to the use of jawmasks, among other safety measures to protect themselves from COVID-19, are starting to wonder why they…
‘I love my country I no go lie’
A country blessed and filled with milk and honey, a paradise for its citizens, a resort for those in need of luxury, and the greatest country in the world, with no sense of doubt. Well-meaning individuals from all walks of life, who are desirous of living a comfortable life, all seek to make my country their place of abode.
Barka da aiki, Madam First Lady!
Nigerians have taken to the media to make jest of the kind gesture of a First Lady who was magnanimous enough to empower the women of her state with a weighty ten bags of pure water each. Why are Nigerians behaving as if they are lacking in the manners and gratitude on social media? What have those ridiculing the first lady done for their village people? In fact, what good has any one in their lineage done for a fellow man?
Satire 404: Navigating the Twitterverse
Post stuff like “I’m new here. Show me around” or “Twitter do your thing” to gain new followers. Share your handle on influencers’ posts. Join ‘follow trains’. Have a crazily-weird crafted bio on your profile. Buy followers if you must. The veracity of your opinions and the credibility of your personality are now measured by the number of followers you have on Twitter.
Why rapists aren’t so bad
A lot has been going on lately on social media; everywhere has been tense. A girl was raped in a church and almost everyone got angry and started making absurd comments. Anger is a very valid emotion to feel, but the thing about anger is it removes one’s ability to think and make valid decisions. There is another perspective to this rape thing people aren’t looking at.
In defence of Sai Baba
For a 77-year-old man who had risked his life to partake in three major military coups; led the country as Head of State; ditched the khaki for the civilian garb; ran for Presidency three consecutive times before his triumph at the fourth attempt, this is undeserving. It is undeniable that the tall and suave Sai Baba is truly committed to Nigeria’s development. Come on, he could have retired to stay home and play with his grandkids but he didn’t, because of his undying love for the country.