Nigeria: A satire | John Chizoba Vincent
We are taking count of dead bodies in the streets. Those are the result of well-fed people. Those that saw a surplus of food and decided to kill themselves with it. Don’t mind them. Those dead bodies by our doorsteps are just fools who thought too much wine won’t harm them. The wine you brought for them to celebrate your already won 2019 election, they drank before the party started and killed themselves. Remember your Excellency that when a child that doesn’t know how to make money gets money from his father, he can’t control himself anymore.
Kano launches first Centre for Covidiocy and Intervirus Relations
It will be recalled that the state’s youth had earlier made a call to the Kano government to create a safe space for covidiots in Nigeria. They even went on to make online protests through videos where they washed their hands into bowls and drank the water to show their allegiance to covidiocy. The state government, as one that listens to its people and makes sure to satisfy their needs in every way and manner, finally decided to grant this special request.
Dear single ladies | Bibian Chinenye Pius-Urum
If you’re visiting a place, do not stay in a hotel. Look for anybody there, preferably a fellow girl, that you can stay in her house. Don’t spend your money in such immoral places. Do you even know what the bed you want to sleep on was used for?
Open letter: A courageous Almajiri queries President Buhari
I am sure that you are aware that your state governors have found us a nuisance to be decisively dealt with. We have suddenly become unfit to remain in those states. Since cattle business no longer thrives at the moment, trailers used in conveying cattle are now being used to farm us out of the respective states. After all, we are regarded as being only a bit better than maalu.
Deaths in the city: What’s gwan inna this our Kano?
When COVID-19 stepped on the much-chronicled city of Kano, inhabitants treated it like any other Chinese export or visitor. A troupe of traditional singers and dancers was sent to welcome it amidst jubilation and fanfare. No kobo was spent from the state’s coffers; they have Gandollar’s dollars to thank for that. A novelty football game tagged “Corona Match” was held in honour of the guest of honour. There, Social-Distancing and Stay-Home orders were defiled before, during, and after the game.
Good lawd, how should we mourn our leaders?
The Holy Book, The Glorious Book and the divine inscriptions indelibly etched in the minds of our elders have unanimously called us to mourn the dead alongside their families and to give them befitting burials. But what if the said leader is a Nigerian (leader)? – A name more corrupt than corruption itself. How should we mourn them?
Bring Back Our Mondays (#BBOM)!
Gradually, we have lost our sense of days. Today, like yesterday, is another Saturday. We shall eat rice, surf the Internet, talk with a few friends, and sleep like we did in previous Saturdays. The regular Saturday aura isn’t even appropriate anymore to describe our mood these days. We will just continue to live and pay no attention to the calendar on the wall.
How to get the Kogi COVID-19 app
A few days ago, Gov. Yahaya Bello told us of his incredible effort and first-of-its-kind approach to ensure the people of Kogi are marked safe from COVID-19. The most interesting thing in that interview with Channels television was the announcement of a software application that will help Kogi people monitor their COVID-19 status by themselves. This is highly commendable.
Sinzu Money finally writes to Imam of Pieces
My name is Sinzu Money as you have rightfully guessed and I’m the president of the rotten giant of Africa. Google that, beesh! For weeks now, since the break out of COVIK-1-9, you’ve turned me, my able office and country into a Twitter punching bag, hitting us from both sides. I don’t know if it was boredom or, as my wife has said, it was the hole in your brain.
‘Why do good people die young?’… Heartbroken Nigerians mourn Kyari’s death on Twitter
It all started with Tife (@tife_fabunmi) who said he still cannot believe the great man is no more and has not been able to close the tap of his tears. “Why do good people die young?” the young man asked, overwhelmed with grief and extreme love for his country.
BREAKING: Nigeria loses Mr Social Distancing
Few hours after the demise of one of the most powerful Nigerians, Abba Kyari, Nigeria again loses another powerful statesman, Mr Social Distancing, also known as Mr SD, who had been helping the country to curtail the spread of the novel coronavirus, otherwise called COVID-19.
How to die well in Nigeria
To die well in Nigeria, you need to have lived an infamous life. And, to achieve this, first be a politician or hold a public office. Do not be a public or civil servant as the office may imply but endeavour to rule rather than serve. For rulership is for the strong, while service is for the weak and gullible. Make sure abuse sets in, trample on the poor, and lie to them.
Nigeria records new case of COVIDIOT, total now 11
A former presidential hopeful, Garba Adamu, has been added to the list of COVIDIOTS in the country. Mr Adamu has now joined ten others, mostly political and religious leaders, who…
How to sell Nigeria
You’ve probably thought about how to sell this country a couple of times. Well, you’re not alone. Rest assured that thousands of other people have been waiting for advice on how to go about this transaction.
Gatekeepers, Wrinkled Paper, and Littlefinger
Brevity, they say, is the soul of wit. Coynobi, however, made a joke that got all of us laughing, and it wasn’t short. It was a circus performance. Since the lockdown started, everyone has been starved of entertainment; moving from one challenge to the other, one movie to the next, twitter turf wars, and on this day, the baton fell on the writing community.
Two thousand and twenty proverbs for a governor’s son
An alagba once admonished that “the masquerade that tries too hard to usurp his master by showing off his dance steps on the express shall be jammed by a Dangote trailer.” Our people say that “it is the desires of every father to have his son better him in life and accomplishments”. Without any iota of doubt, the governor wants his son to be better than he could ever be.
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