Becoming a Nigerian politician: The ‘Wadume’ Model
Brandish your new identity as a politician. It explains the source of your wealth. It qualifies you for chieftaincy titles and juicy political appointments. Should those untrustworthy policemen betray you and kidnap you, your boyz and big boyz will alert your friends in the army who will annihilate the Police Kidnap Squad.
Olayinka restores UI Students’ Union after T-warm’s wedding
— Says Smart ID cards production has started in his dream. The Vice Chancellor General (VC-G) of the University of Ibadan, Prof. Idowu Olayinka Able has finally restored the university’s…
Prayer is the key, Prayer is the master key.
Are you a Nigerian? Are you a Christian, Muslim, traditional worshiper ati be be lo? Do you believe in the power of prayers? Do you believe in the power of…
Shortlist: 2019 Punocracy Prize for Satire
The jury is still out on the question of who the top three entrants are. But having published all longlisted entries for the prize, we’re glad to finally announce those submissions that made the shortlist.
The apostle’s letter to Nigerians in SA
We never saw this coming. You know this has never happened until days ago. No Nigerian has ever been beaten, molested or robbed in SA — this is the first time. That’s why we are slow at reacting. All those former news we heard of the inhumane acts towards you in SA is mere talk. It wasn’t real, that’s why it’s taken us so long.
Macpherson Farm
By: Tekena Charles Banigo IV (A story from the lost books of George Orwell) Of all the farms whose animals had rebelled against their oppressive human owners (just as Old…
Where justice thrives
By: Halima Abishola Abdullahi Keep the scribed bribe for the bench; Let them have every penny of the meager money. Lavish their souls with the pauper’s luxury And you will…
When you speak of Africa
By: Jesuferanmi Igbinigie It is not pronounced lay-gus, it is lah-ghos. To learn the accurate pronunciation, watch the first twenty or so minutes of Captain America: Civil War—a movie which…
Putting an end to xenophobic attacks—Nigerian style!
First, have shitty embassies. You know, embassies that don’t make noise; embassies that like keeping things lowkey, especially when the ordinary Nigerian is under threat. What is a travel advisory? That strange concept should have no place in your dictionary. Your country already has one of the world’s largest populations and your citizens are everywhere, strutting like they own the planet together with all its continents and crannies. Of course, the last thing you want to do is further amplify your presence with some embassy or high commission that promptly speaks out for its people.
To my friend coming from abroad
By: Ahmad Adedimeji Amobi Dear O. The last time I was able to send you a letter was five months ago when I got shortlisted for a writing prize I…
Ticket
By: Ukange Doose Diana All line up for the ticket, Coloured to the left, Pure white to the right. Identification in hand. “Thou in black; the dark black On the…
Kudos to our Yahoo boys
And then, they get down to the real work of pressing ‘lapi’ all night. Prapapapa papapa. No stopping. Thanks to the seemingly strong internet connectivity our nights afford in Nigeria. These boys don’t just sleep at all; they stay up grinding and hustling hard, with deft fingers. The business is not a walk in the park at all. And that’s what we are talking about — being hard-working without working hard for money. That’s just the Nigerian way.
This is Diejiria
By: Justin Clement “Welcome to Diejiria PLC! I’m Nkechi, and I’ll be showing you around!” she squeaked, shaking my arm quickly, furiously, making my entire body quiver in the process….
The Nigerian intellectual guide: 5 random principles
By: Favour Olajide Disclaimer: Random Noun ‘A roving motion; course without definite direction; lack of rule or method; chance.’ 1. As an intellectual, you need to always be armed with dozens…
Immorality now Nigeria’s greatest security challenge, say police after ‘Operation Risky Bob’
“Yesterday’s invasion, which is the first phase of what we’ve tagged ‘Operation Risky Bob’, was no doubt successful as we prevented the commission of ungodly atrocities on our soil. I mean, what insecurity could be greater than not feeling secure with the gender your wise parents gave you?” the PPRO asked, as some policemen and journalists nodded in approval.
The lord’s prayer
By: Abraham Isaac Oluwatimilehin The structure was cramped for living and breathing space. Fumes of frankincense rose into the atmosphere, gallantly subduing the natural air and suffocating everyone and everything…
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