From Our Allies

How to be a sane Nigerian 

Vera Nazarian once said that if you are faced with a mountain, you have several options. You can climb it and cross to the other side. You can go around it. You can dig under it. You can fly over it. You can blow it up. You can ignore it and pretend it’s not there. You can turn around and go back the way you came. Or you can stay on the mountain and make it your home. Nigeria is that wonderful mountain Vera is talking about. You are free to do whatsoever suits you here.

From Our Allies

Why we cannot #EndSARS 

Fine, we know we keep quiet when you young people cry, bleed and die every day. But does that make us bad leaders? Are you not aware that every blessed day, we pray for you? And that we always have you in our minds? Why then have you decided to profess such abomination as #EndSARS? Why so ungrateful?

From Our Allies

Dictionary entry: SARS 

(of the police, ‘special’ enforcement agents, etc.) to pre-design (a) crime(s) in ambush for sb., especially when they are presumed to own a smartphone or a laptop; or wear flashy hairdo and/or dress flamboyantly: The police has just SARSed Dele for wearing Gucci | Put on your slippers instead of those Adidas, or do you want to be SARSed?

From Our Allies

We have your best interests in mind 

My dearest friends and countrymen, words have reached me that a lot of you are planning to support a mass rally against we the politicos and Messiah of our beloved country. Haba! Is this right for us? Aren’t you aware that there are a lot of good plans we have in stock for you? Ahn Ahn! Instead of you to walk down to our offices or call our phone numbers which we always pick when it rings, you are…you are busy cooking up revolutions here and here.

From Our Allies

Nigeria: Sixty but [not] faulty 

Only an ingrate will have no justification to give thanks on behalf of our dear country. I mean, since our fiftieth anniversary in 2010, God has preserved your life and eyes to see six ASUU strikes, three NLC strikes, devaluation of the naira from 156/$, a surge in importation of talents from Nigeria to oversea, a mushrooming population of poor people, thus, making us the world’s poverty capital, a proliferated unemployment rate, a surge in mortality rates due to insecurity, a country as united as the blades of a ceiling fan, and many undeniable glories of selfish and poor leadership.

From Our Allies

“I have never received bribe all my life” — Ameshi to sue Magun for plagiarism 

From my sources close to the Honorable Minister, I can authoritatively tell you that when news broke out Wednesday that Mr. Magun uttered words during a meeting with the press on never receiving a bribe in his life, the honorable minister was left flabbergasted, utterly astonished, and vowed to fight like every struggling Nigerian out there to protect his verbal properties.

From Our Allies

Nigerians’ letter to daddy and mummy 

On behalf of every Nigerian, we want to say thank you to our Daddy and Mummy—UK and US—on whose shoulder we will always stand until we’re old enough to be truly independent. It’s not that we’re that reckless to get out acts together, we are just being subservient to our father and mother. Only a bastard child will not heed to his parents’ instructions. Nigeria will never be one.