Graduate devastated he has to pay to afford his career
“We need to build our country into a global force. But we can’t do that when our youths are bitching about pay and welfare. They need to tighten their belt and work hard.”
Who said that, racist or misogynist?
The misogyny of privileged people can be understood in a way – it’s awful, of course – since they’re not often discriminated against, they’ve never had to apply their whole lives to proving themselves competent in a way other groups are made to do, and they’ve never experienced the look when someone sees you in a position of power and squeezes their face in disbelief. Black men, on the other hand, have experienced all these. So, why are we not conscious enough to recognise it when we do it to women?
On a rainy day in Lagos
What seemed to be a sad and tense night for some people was a shower of blessings for other neighbourhoods. In fact, some residents saw the torrential rain as a heavenly call for waste collection.
‘We are not ordinary bandits,’ Nigerian terrorists insist
A coalition of Nigerian terrorist organisations operating under the umbrella of the Supreme International Terrorism Confederation has condemned attempts by government officials and members of the public to classify them as bandits, insisting that such descriptions diminish the professionalism of their work.
The giant sleeps, the bandits eat, the rice arrives
Well, I think the master strategist, the kingmaker, now king, does not have to care about his subjects or what becomes of them. That is not his cup of tea. His concern was always fulfilling his long-held dream of becoming king and changing the national anthem. He has achieved both. It is time to call it an administration.
The house always wins
My own ticket burns in my pocket. Five matches, all carefully selected. I’ve done the math, checked the form, analysed the statistics. But I know it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters in this fluorescent-lit tomb where hope comes to die.
‘Don’t blame me so much’ — WAEC’s secret diary entry
In the last few weeks, slanders have been hurled at me. I released the results of 1,969,313 candidates, and only 753,642 (38.32%) obtained credits and above in at least five compulsory subjects, including Mathematics and English Language. Shouldn’t I be commended for this amazing feat? It might be lower than last year’s figures, but to me, it is progress. Our efficient systems are only providing evidence for what we already instinctively know: the children are getting dumber.
You be nepo, we be lapo
If we chop once a day,
Na privilege.
If you do the same thing,
Na intermittent fasting.
How to have it all in your 20s
It starts immediately after university graduation. You are not allowed to be confused because confusion is for unserious people. You must find a high-paying job, even if the only work experience you have is editing your friends’ CVs and making Canva flyers for your cousin’s catering business.
We have a miracle here
We are not like those places where a father rules from his thirties till his death and then hands over to his son. Our dictators here fuck you up nicely; they would put on a smile that would make you disbelieve the evils they do in secret.