The Nigerian dream
If you intend to have one child, I am sorry to announce that you are falling short of the Nigerian dream. Or tell me, who are you planning to emulate in your family? Now, change that orientation, you must have at least three children: Doctor, Engineer and Lawyer. The advantages of having more than three far outweigh having less. SARS might kill one or two for dressing too fine in Lagos, remember? Kidnappers might abduct and kill one or two if they are in the north. And there’s the killer herdsmen, Boko Haram terrorists, and so on.
Exploits of the legendary John Wike
This is a man took it upon himself to relieve his law enforcement agencies of their duty so that he can monitor the compliance of the people of Rivers state to his stay-at-home orders. This is a man who abandoned the coveted pleasure of his home and family to embrace the cold heat of the PH streets just so he could flank down people to say, “Hi, how Corona be for your side?”
How to be a Nigerian woman
First off, I must thank you because you have decided to learn a few tricks about being a woman. Most Nigerian women are often loathe to topics such as this. Conversations that teach them how to be better are often met with disgust and a strong detest. They refuse to listen to the voice of reason and sound opinion, well, except you’re their father in the Lord or spiritual leader, as the case my be.
‘Have your President call my President’ | Sonala Olumhense
“Those are just rumours, Excellency. Many of them are our friends, and they have told us they never did any such thing. It is just like Sani Abacha; he never looted anyone, that is just a name. But believe me, if you send us the ventilators, we will soon be curving the flat all over Nigeria.”
The noble efforts to give almajiris a bright future
Even if they see a ray of hope or interest in something as Haram as Makarantan Boko, a thunder of “infidel” and soothing lashes of loving whips will never touch their backs. What do you need western education for? Without it, the commissioner rose to the top. He loitered the street, begged for money from passersby, almost got ran over by cars daily, ate crumbs from the plate of strangers and, when it was time, he was handpicked from the street and was sworn in as a commissioner the next day. You don’t have to strive; striving is rebellion.
How to become a prodigal son in Nigeria
Post false contents and out of context information at fragile moments and watch them rain curses on their leaders. You are saved na; you are not their leader anymore, you didn’t even pass through the gates of the national assembly. The day you were forced to do that, you broke your arm.
A compact list on how to be a Covidiot
To be a Covidiot in this Corona-maniac period is a smart and enviable thing to be. Trust me; it is what the who-is-who in the country are aiming for, so why don’t you beat them to the game?
A note to House of Representatives spokesperson: My apology | David Hundeyin
I would have liked to send you this apology privately, but I am constrained to do so here on the pages of a national daily because following our little exchange, you blocked me on Twitter. I hope you get to read this and understand that I am truly sorry about a lot of things, and I wish I could change them even though they were not all my fault.
Nigeria: A satire | John Chizoba Vincent
We are taking count of dead bodies in the streets. Those are the result of well-fed people. Those that saw a surplus of food and decided to kill themselves with it. Don’t mind them. Those dead bodies by our doorsteps are just fools who thought too much wine won’t harm them. The wine you brought for them to celebrate your already won 2019 election, they drank before the party started and killed themselves. Remember your Excellency that when a child that doesn’t know how to make money gets money from his father, he can’t control himself anymore.
Kano launches first Centre for Covidiocy and Intervirus Relations
It will be recalled that the state’s youth had earlier made a call to the Kano government to create a safe space for covidiots in Nigeria. They even went on to make online protests through videos where they washed their hands into bowls and drank the water to show their allegiance to covidiocy. The state government, as one that listens to its people and makes sure to satisfy their needs in every way and manner, finally decided to grant this special request.
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