Nigeria: People’s Republic of China, Phase II
We gained independence in 1960 from the British, but we’re about to be recolonised by the Chinese. It’s only a matter of time before we’ll all become Nigeria-born Chinese because of the unquenchable love of our hardworking leaders for Chinese loans. After squandering what benevolence has brought to our domain, they resort to borrowing.
How to make policies in Nigeria
Start the process with your fellow policy makers in the ministry. You have to be crafty and be proactive to stand your opinion here, the meeting is where you prove your expertise in decision-making for the masses. Remember, what Elnathan John taught about lateness to meeting, don’t forget that; it’s a necessity.
The fall of the Nigerian comedy industry
Professional comedians should start watching their backs. I pray that the extinction of that industry isn’t imminent. A new class of comedians is emerging with great comic capacity more than anything we’ve ever seen. They don’t require anything to launch their profession other than a public office or an opportunity to serve the people. The only due they pay to remain in the industry is required every four years.
Nollywood should partner with housemates in the hollowed chamber
Prior to the time they found a seat in the corridor of power, they understood everything about governance and meeting the needs of people. In fact, they considered the usual fight in the House over who gets what share of the National Cake as demeaning to the entire nation. Therefore, they sold an anti-corruption story to us. We bought it with our sweat. Some did with their blood. But we have not received our change. They said we will receive it. Its fruits will come like a thief in the night. Pending the time, let us enjoy the rice in Kano and the 24h/7 electricity we read about in the news.
Becoming a politician in Nigeria: A starter pack
First, you must learn to shed tears in your aspiration to be voted into power; buy underprivileged citizens’ sympathy through live telecast. You should learn to have photo ops of you having a great meal of garri, sachet Milo or pap.
All you need to face a panel as a senior public servant in Nigeria
You really need to know that facing a panel can be embarrassing and frustrating. Hence, a holistic preparation is a necessity most especially when you are trying to sweep things under the carpet. This is because reporters and rumour-carriers are on the lookout for your poor presentation which might eventually unveil your ass to the world. Follow me on this short trip as I show you how it’s been done here in this place called Nigeria.
‘In addendum to my public theatrical display’
I have finally been revived by the amazing intervention of two Pepsi bottles passed into my body through drip at the Maitama Hospital. And I know it is high time I came forth to comment on all that happened before the investigative committee on the 20th of this month.
Big Brother Naija: A timely palliative for restless Nigerian youth
Mr President sir, it is because of this that we believe that distracting them will be the best option to douse the tensed atmosphere of the nation. You know Nigerian youth, sir, when you called them lazy, you were right and only being factual sir; they will forget their clamours and agitations as soon as there is something to entertain them. They will forget their pitiable conditions and get so absorbed in the ecstasy of their temporary eldorado.
‘Daddy Magu, we are sorry!’
First, your groundbreaking discovery on ‘kovid-one-nine’ is, no doubts, compelling and indelibly etched into the sands of time. All thanks to you, we now know that corruption is the cause of the pandemic. You needn’t be adorned with a lab coat, neither did you go through the troubles of conventional scientific research, you solved a global mystery before anyone could say Jack; a feat deserving of a Nobel prize.
Truth to God, elections in Nigeria are more orderly than examinations
Orderly elections are not alien to us in Nigeria. We’ve seen it happen over and over again. We’re even tired of seeing it — so tired that we have a steady decline in PVC collection rates and voter turnouts in every election year. One can even assess — in advance — the level of peace by giving attention to the words of the Umbrella and Broom people. They have been exchanging words of peace with each other as the elections beckons.