One may ask why I do not write satires about Akwa Ibom state. You may wonder if my avoidance to do so is for my safety. It’s simple. I don’t do so because Akwa Ibom is a perfect state. Perfect in all ways.

What is friendship without a cordial relationship and a mutual feeling of love between both parties? Ever since the Nigeria Police Force was established in 1930, they have been the best friends of every Nigerian. Just like an apple a day keeps the doctor away, seeing a police officer sends the fright away.

Brethren, divorces are on the high rise in this House. Husbands now show their strength by beating their wives to demonstrate their superiority. This is against the order of the world. Look at Delilah who used her wisdom to conquer the strength of Samson. We should not incur the wrath of the daughters of Eve. We should dedicate our to the Lord’s work by fulfilling their wishes in servitude. Amen?

It is a well-known fact that your creative business is the most lucrative — from how you think of the best ways to hold people without their consent to how you demand that their people pay outrageous amounts of money. What a genius you are.

I have come to force myself to believe that after God, you should be the next person to be worshipped. If truly you hacked Zuckerberg’s services, he himself should make sure he finds you and implore you to manage a very important role at Facebook.

In life, things begin to make sense when you put it in perspective. As a child, you must have heard and read a lot of stories about Nigeria, stories from third parties, stories from biased people, cooked up stories from the pit of hell. So here’s Nigeria, giving you a chance to hear about her, from her.

Here is a great opportunity for IPOB and Sunday Igboho, as the chief, their major spokesperson, has met with the president and stated their agitations and what solutions to proffer. Don’t be surprised that the issues will be addressed in no time. Our Man of the Year deserves more credit that he is getting from Nigerians.

Historically, the fear of women has often been overlooked, and so great a downfall befell those who underestimated the powers a woman wields.

Aunty, Uncle, I know you might have forgotten those promises and those things you and your first lover promised each other as undergraduates. We are here to remind you.

I write this address with utmost sincerity and I plead with every Nigerian to reason with me. Nigeria remains our own. We are working tirelessly. Shun critics — they will feed on their shame soon.