How to think of Africa and Africans
As an African, if you don’t know already, the benchmark of global standards should always be the west. Looking for just and fair democracies? The west has it (never mind cracks in their institutions and racial segregations). Thinking of ways of how the world should progress in the areas of science, arts and technology? The west is the best bet (hey, shut that thought that African cultures, sciences and traditions are equally viable).
Being a Nigerian house agent—in six simple codes
You must be able to convince your clients on why they must pay an inspection fee before you take them to a house – whether they would like it or not. If the rooms of the house are small, magnify them with your mouth. Tell them the rooms will get bigger as they live in it. If the toilets or bathroom is like a cubicle, tell them that’s the trend and, if it was any bigger, they might mistake it for a room.
How to be a lecturer in Nigerian universities
First, you need to reserve the highest grade for immortals, like Jesus, Allah, Sango, Amadioha, or any deity you worship. Mortals shouldn’t get an A. It can be only over your dead body. You didn’t get A’s in some courses during your time, what makes the students think they are better than you?
Street 101: Five lessons from the (Lagos) city
My city has taught me that greatness demands sacrifice. Do not be scared, you don’t need blood and rituals. You sacrifice money! In the city, you (must) buy a bunch of bananas for a thousand naira. A plate of food for 50,000 naira, a bottle of water for half that price.
How to make easy money by promising giveaways
To those of you who have laid mat beside a new year giveaway post of iPhone 8 on social media — Instagram especially, I really commend your faith in the Nigerian God. Trust me he acknowledges your faith too. You know, as we all do, He rebukes every form of suffering for his children (Nigerians).
A guide to becoming a quintessential Nigerian politician
You will build 30 schools in two weeks. You will feed every child three times a day plus supper at night. Poverty shall suffer. With you, Boko Haram shall all vanish. With you, there shall be no abduction of any sort. With you, nepotism and bribery and all other forms of corruption shall die by fire. Amen! Shout change. Preach change.
National Amnesia and Allied Matters Bill 2020
This is a bill for an Act to institutionalise National Amnesia, Official Corruption, Political Theatrics, and Insecurity in Nigeria. The Bill, herein referred to as NAAM, sets to cater for the peculiar mess of politicians and public officials, and also to stimulate and enhance pervasive docility among the masses.
Re: Notification of upcoming robbery exercise
Maybe we can help you from the nothing we have sha. As the chairman of this community, I’ll ask everybody to contribute twenty naira for you — ha! It’s a big money to us o — so we can transport you to Abuja to start your profession properly.
Angel Buhari at 78
Ever since your angelic visitation cum intervention to Nigeria’s political scene, it has been heaven on earth. Integrity, character, and honor mean the same thing all over the world except in Nigeria because you redefined it, in words and action. Not a single guile has been found in you because you’ve over-delivered on all your campaign promises.
I stand with Buari and his government
Haba! This FG has really suffered in your hands o! If you’re not accusing them of Lekki shootings, then you’re accusing them of silence over Bornu rice farmers killings. Is it everything the Government will always be addressing? Must you always call them out on every occasion? Are they the only Government to be corrupt and at the same time disguise to be warring against corruption?