From Our Allies

UI VC sets SU electoral rules, warns against allowing beardless contestants for presidency 

“As part of your duties, you must diligently scrutinise all candidates and ensure that only those whose beards are naturally grown contest for president. This is a non-negotiable criterion. Any contestant with artificial beards must be screened out outright and his name forwarded to the Student Disciplinary Committee (SDC) for betrayal of nature and impersonation.”

From Our Allies

Ganduje monopolises corruption in Kano, brags of PhD in Pocketing Dollars 

“Let me state clearly without any equivocation that anyone of you who engages in corrupt practices will be thrown out of office. There can’t be two kings in a kingdom. I have made frantic efforts to reach the zenith in corrupt and shady dealings; particularly, in pocketing dollars. Therefore, I urge you all to accord me the exclusive right as the Sarkin Dollars of Nigeria,” he said.

From Our Allies

Fake news, fake legislators, fake government 

Fake news on social media is an idiot. It is responsible for the hunger in the land, the slow growth rate of our economy, the increase in impoverished people, the poor power sector, the constant diminishing of our educational standards, and the mammoth crowd of Nigerians seeking to run out of the country. We’ve even closed our borders to avoid entrance of foreign fake news.

From Our Allies

Satire ≠ Fake News 

Satire matters because it subverts and questions people in authority. Comedy and satire provide a social check on the government. It encourages observers to challenge and question policy. Conflating the proclaimed post-truth era with mainstream news outlets and satire runs the risk of depriving journalism of perspective.

From Our Allies

The parable of the pothole 

As the driver approached it, the pothole cried out with a loud voice, “Who are you, driver?” Our driver responded as fast as the economic growth rate of Nigeria with, “I am Muhammed from Bornu state.” To my amazement, the pothole closed up leaving us with a smooth road to drive through. I asked the driver what just happened, he said, “Walahi, it’s because I’m from Bornu. What affects other Nigerians doesn’t affect us. Some basic problems other people encounter don’t come near us.”

From Our Allies

One Lagos, many troubles 

Hope it didn’t move your office from CMS to V.I? If you don’t know, please confirm before you head out to work. In these times, we have to sympathise with Lagos people. One governor was removed because he didn’t carry people along in line with the master’s masterplan. Thank God, flood will carry everyone along now. Or should we say Lagosians got what they deserve? –— a man of the people.

From Our Allies

When courts become degree-awarding institutions… (II) 

That decision of the Presidential Election Petition Tribunal will surely reduce perjury, forgery, corruption, false results being tendered. It will increase the number of degree holders in Nigeria. It will increase the number of “graduates ”. It will increase Nigeria’s “literacy” level. It will make getting degrees very easy. It will ease Nigerians of the stress of sitting for useless exams –WASSCE, SSCE, UTME etc. It will help to depopulate the already populated tertiary institutions. And it will help put Nigeria on the world map in terms of education.

From Our Allies

September to remember 

Diary, did you know it’s treason to yarb Mr President too? Mr Sowore’s mosquito has landed on PMB’s scrotum — he is the latest victim. But who is a treasonable felon? The person who toppled Shagari’s civilian govt. through a military coup or the one who complained of the decadence in the system?