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Prize for Satire

Becoming a Nigerian parent 

The first rule on how to be a good parent in Nigeria is to marry as many men/women as possible in noble poverty. No one will question you. You don’t even need to cut your clothing according to your size. Your minimum wage monthly salary will rise, like ‘garri ijebu’, as you forcefully bring the innocent children to this earth to enjoy the ever-flourishing life in Nigeria with you.

Prize for Satire

Dear misogynists (and the closet ones too) 

It is so unfair that there is an advocacy for the equality of both genders—particularly the female gender—in all areas of life. Why should women who have long been given the highest honour of being in charge of certain important matters pertaining to the kitchen and childbearing suddenly want more from life? How dare they demand the right to be seen and treated as equals? Such an ungrateful lot!

Prize for Satire

The committee 

“Clearly, you gentlemen representing your districts on this issue are full of impassioned grit and steely determination. I can see all of us are ready to truly solve this err…..err…..thing. Very commendable. Although I would love nothing more but to listen to you all, our one hour is however almost up. If there is no other issue err… Shall we adjourn?”

Prize for Satire

How to be a Nigerian parent 

Now that you are a parent, discard every pet name you called your spouse before the arrival of your first child. How can you be calling your husband by his first name after you have made him a father? Do you want people to question the paternity of the child? Daddy Bola would be better.

Prize for Satire

Danfo: What it is 

A Danfo is a clumsy tailored commercial shuttle popularly identified by its yellow Colour and black stripes. It is widely associated with Lagos, a cosmopolitan city and it ranges from four seaters to six seaters depending on the size of the bus.

Prize for Satire

Being a virtuous lady 

“A woman must have a thorough knowledge of music, singing, drawing, dancing, and the modern languages, to deserve the word [“accomplished”]; and besides all this, she must possess a certain something in her air and manner of walking, the tone of her voice, her address and expressions or the word will be but half-deserved.”

Prize for Satire

The legal way to do yahoo yahoo in Nigeria 

Before you start jotting things down, understand that when I am talking about Yahoo Yahoo in Nigeria, I am not talking about the riff-raffs who depend on $25 iTunes or Amazon gift cards from one John Doe in Casablanca or those who use $1 million to buy a Morris Minor – one car like that from the future. I am also not talking about the ones who end up in the garden of SARS and bribe their way out with N10,000. Never, not those small fishes wriggling in the ocean.

Prize for Satire

Achieving success as a Nigerian musician: A practical guide on how to blow 

Before we begin, I will like to congratulate you for being a man; be thankful to nature for this blessing. If you aren’t a man, either gear up for constant sidelining or check your dreams for Plan B — unless you don’t mind wearing gold chains, sunshades, do-rags and denim every day. You know, fake it till you make it. Even then, you’d still have a slim chance, because Nigerians made a groundbreaking discovery that having tiny bonus brains lodged within each testicle improves creativity.

Prize for Satire

Nigerian parenting: A small handbook 

The first thing you need to know is that you have to give birth to many children. Omo ni ade; they are your wealth, they carry on the family name, they take care of you when you are old. If you decide to have one and that one dies when he is twenty – remember that story of that boy that died during his graduation? – what will happen then?