T.B. Josh blames unfulfilled prophecy on shutdown, self-isolating angels
“Also, you have to understand that the few supplications that were made could not be delivered to Heaven’s post office for two reasons. One, the airports are on partial shutdown and only medical supplies are currently being admitted up there. Second, I’ve been told most of the Angels are currently self-isolating. Only those performing essential services such as carrying the Almighty’s throne and singing his praises are still working.”
Covid-19: Nigerians hoard empathy, urge infected politicians to locate ‘nearest transformers’
“We, in fact, urge all Nigerian politicians whom the universe has favoured in the ongoing matchmaking with coronavirus to locate the nearest transformers for their empathy,” he concluded, adding that they should remember not to touch anyone on their way to the deadly electrical devices.
May Nigeria never happen to you: The Kopid One-Nine chapter
But the urgency of the matters at hand won’t allow me to dive into how the name ‘Nigeria’ was painfully coined because we are now at that point where we can’t establish who is presiding over the country between President Naira Marley – the ever-active Twitter tormentor, Abba Kyari – the Irunmole that eats kilishi and signs presidential letters, and General Muhammadu Buhari – the ever-smiling gentleman who introduced Kopid One-Nine Pirus without talking.
COVID-19: Nigerians’ refusal to say please, the genesis of Buhari’s silence
The Parosident has refused to speak, unlike his counterparts in many other countries battling the virus because he hates Showoff and cheap politics. If not, what’s the big deal in setting up a press conference and having him read a prepared address to Nigerians? Even if the speech gets mixed up and does not really relate to the issue at hand. It’s not like Nigerians have choices. They can only shout and talk, nothing more.
A blind date with coronavirus | Jude Idada
There is a vague feeling of apprehension, but not fear, so you soldier on because there is also hope. Hope that it will all blow over soon. After all, they said, it doesn’t affect black people. They also said Africa is too hot for the virus. They also said something about chloroquine being the magic drug for it.
The first citizen | ‘Kunmi Olamiju
Speaking of gold, I apologise for the delay in the latest shipment. That rodent—you see how he keeps coming up?—has been attacking the mines. You’d think the country with the largest reserve of minerals in the world would be able to shrug off disruptions caused by a ragtag band? I’m surrounded by incompetents. I might take your daughter’s suggestion and insist appointed ministers are vetted first. But we would need a legislature in place for that.
Coronavirus: Groups of immune Nigerians set to assemble in mosques, churches for prayer sessions
Some Muslims, obtained WhatsApp chats have revealed, also believe the virus outbreak is God’s way of punishing disbelieving nations and bad people in general. Dr Abubakr Imam Aliagan, a “renowned Islamic scholar”, has in fact encouraged Muslims to continue visiting mosques for prayers in their numbers since they are spiritually fortified against the plague.
You-high authorities launch AWO 234 to teach female students punctuality
Information reaching our correspondent from credible sources is that You-high authorities have added a new course, titled AWO 234, in the university curriculum basically to address the issues of lack of punctuality among female students.
Coronavirus: Critics ask why Nigeria ranks behind 80 other countries, blame Buhari
“There is a reason some diseases are called diseases of affluence,” he said. “Nigerians deserve better than diseases of poverty like Lassa fever and Malaria. We should be quick to replace them with Western afflictions like coronavirus, cancer, obesity, and hypertension. That’s not too much to ask, is it?”
Satire 0-1 News: Corruption-induced corona, UI’s blind auditor, and other stories
Facts are oftentimes stranger than fiction just as news is oftentimes more hilarious than satire. We live in a world (or country?) where journalists have, without intending it, become greater…
People booing Buhari in Maiduguri ‘not even up to 100,000’, says Odesina
ABUJA (The T.A. Report) ― Nigerians are giving too much credit to the incident in Maiduguri where President Muhammadu Boohari was jeered at by residents, Special Adviser on Media Femii Odesina…