‘Who am I kidding?’ … Local man postpones new year resolutions to 2023
“Perhaps 2022 is not my year after all,” he admitted to our correspondent, as he sipped a bottle of alcohol with a wry smile. “Initially, I thought maybe I’d start over in February. But it doesn’t have the same kick to it, you know.”
On the subject of x and y (chromosomes)
There are several ways that a man can prove himself useless. He can love Nicki Minaj, think pink is cute, enjoy k-drama, love cooking or (this disgusts me to even mention) be capable of tears. God forbid that you ever get entangled with a man who is capable of tears. The men in the above list are useless but the most useless of them all should be a man with female children. Weak men with weak spermicide who marry women with weak eggs to birth a weak shame. Tueh! I spit on them.
Go big or go home: A tribute to the Nigerian sense of justice
I have never been as proud of my country as I am these days. This country just makes my heart puff with pride every bloody time. You know, when religious people say, “actions are judged according to intentions,” I did not know it affected the judicial system too.
Gov. Obiano, listen to the voice of unreason
I am a 27-year-old businessman with a total net worth the average yahoo boy would blow without flinching, yet I believe I can hit the $1trillion mark before Elon Musk. You can call it wishful thinking but I call it Thinking Big — exactly what Governor Obiano should be doing with his political career.
Dear Doubting Thomas, it is true; no one was killed at Lekki tollgate
It’s been one year and one month since your last public rebuttal of the fabricated reportage of the October 20 2020 shooting at the Lekki toll-gate. And you were right, my dear countryman. No one was killed on that colourful night.
5 ‘scopes’ you fit apply if you wan deny Lekki Massacre
As Lagos State Panel of Inquiry, wey Governor Babajide Sanwo-Olu set up, don release report wey dey confirm say Lekki Massacre be real tin, I don quickly code the wahala dis pipu don box inside carton. You be realist and patriot, you no see any dead bodi, so e be your right to deny anytin and everytin.
Behold a new Jerusalem!
It pays to have visionary person as a leader. It really does. Of course that is one of the qualities of leadership. One cannot assume an office with blurry sight, else such will mislead the mass. There are states with blind leaders but such is not the case of Akwa Ibom. We have a leader with foresight.
Say bye-bye to NARD strike forever
NARD strike or threat to strike is frequent as it is certain. ASUU can only dream of matching up. Even though the strike has been suspended, we can bet on these doctors to withhold their services again because they clearly did not inherit the silence of their predecessors. With bills to pay, mouths to feed, and Toyota Corollas to purchase, it seems passion and love for humanity are simply not enough.
Married women should mind their homes (not their husbands)
You must curl your legs together in feminine modesty while sitting, and bow your head while talking to your husband.
How to be a successful SU(G) president
To focus on being a good executive, the first thing you have to do is destroy your manifesto or delete all copies of it. You won’t be needing it. It didn’t help you win the election and it won’t be a yardstick in determining your success.
Job creation: Udom’s weapon for poverty alleviation in Akwa Ibom since 2015
If you like be a graduate, if you’re not highly qualified for a job, you’ll remain at home. This government is not ready for any form of unprofessionalism. Ask those who took the examinations for teaching work. Most of them scored high but weren’t employed. Why?! They weren’t professional enough to be interviewed. Things like this cannot be known by flesh.
UPDATE: Hottest place in Hell now reserved for Lekki Massacre deniers
The guest/inmates list for a VIP section in the hottest part of Hellfire has recently been updated, making it the exclusive reserve of people who deny that extrajudicial killings happened on October 20, 2020, during the End SARS demonstration.
My state is God’s dwelling place
One may ask why I do not write satires about Akwa Ibom state. You may wonder if my avoidance to do so is for my safety. It’s simple. I don’t do so because Akwa Ibom is a perfect state. Perfect in all ways.
Dear Police, thank you for being our friend!
What is friendship without a cordial relationship and a mutual feeling of love between both parties? Ever since the Nigeria Police Force was established in 1930, they have been the best friends of every Nigerian. Just like an apple a day keeps the doctor away, seeing a police officer sends the fright away.
And thy Lord hath revealed a new thing about full house husbands
Brethren, divorces are on the high rise in this House. Husbands now show their strength by beating their wives to demonstrate their superiority. This is against the order of the world. Look at Delilah who used her wisdom to conquer the strength of Samson. We should not incur the wrath of the daughters of Eve. We should dedicate our to the Lord’s work by fulfilling their wishes in servitude. Amen?