Nigeria hires architects, photographers in bold move to address food scarcity
The government of Nigeria has shocked the rest of the world by employing professional architects and photographers in the hopes of finally nailing the problem of food insecurity.
‘Nigerian senator’ world’s best job, says study … ‘you don’t even have to do jack’
What’s more, he continued, all you need to be elected into office is some tangible business or political capital, a secondary school leaving certificate (genuine or not), and to have been born at least 35 years prior to the time of election (a fact which anyone hardly bothers to confirm).
UPDATE: Hottest place in Hell now reserved for Lekki Massacre deniers
The guest/inmates list for a VIP section in the hottest part of Hellfire has recently been updated, making it the exclusive reserve of people who deny that extrajudicial killings happened on October 20, 2020, during the End SARS demonstration.
Nigerian man paid to fix local hospitals again runs abroad to treat himself
Nigeria’s highest-paid civil servant, Mohd Boo-Harry alias Bad Boy alias Kilokanmi (What is My Business?) alias E Choke (?), has again dipped hands into his employers’ purse for a “medical check-up” in London even after being handsomely paid to upgrade the country’s health facilities.
Nigeria to set up insurance scheme for kidnap victims
“Think about it for a moment,” said the country’s defence minister Babachir Magaji during a press briefing on Monday. “We have to be prepared. Getting kidnapped is not a matter of ‘if’ anymore, it is about ‘when’. And it is not something that affects just one social class or ethnic group. Everybody is eating the breakfast.”
‘Only cowards run from terrorists,’ says Nigeria’s minister of self-defence
Making his first public appearance in years, General Babachir ‘I-Once-Fought-A-Lion-With-My-Bare-Hands’ Magaji, on Wednesday, regaled journalists with stories of how he fought in the Nigerian Civil War with nothing but a table knife.
Buharists surprisingly not exempted from govt’s harsh policies
“Since the Central Bank of Nigeria placed a ban on cryptocurrency transactions yesterday, we have read the letter and other documents countless times to see whether there is an exception for Buharists because, as well all know, Bubu is loyal to his loyalists. News splash! No one is exempted, not even Ogundesi.”
Local man with zero knowledge of vaccines speaks boldly about them
Even though Local Man is a graduate of The Performing Arts and has since worked as a party photographer, he has at least watched one YouTube video, read three blogposts, and forwarded four WhatsApp broadcast messages (after seeing the word vaccine and many exclamation marks in the first paragraph) on the subject of vaccination. Naturally, he now considers himself an expert.
‘I hope they won’t notice.’ Cleric disguises normal events as prophecies
Local Nigerian pastor, Bishop E.A. “Ojuonitiwa” Joshua, has finally released a couple of prophecies for the infant year, 2021. Strangely, however, many of the events foretold are things with a 95 to 100 per cent chance of happening anyway.
Nigerian gets kidnapped abroad. Nigerians react on behalf of govt.
From setting up a committee to blaming the victim for being reckless, Nigerians have predicted with hilariously sorrowful accuracy how their government would likely react to one of the country’s citizens getting abducted by criminals in a foreign country, say Libya.