The T.A. Report

Nigeria’s tear-rubber president, Baller Ahmeth Tininbu, known fondly as BAT, says he stands by his statement regarding the right of poor people to inhale oxygen into their lungs, but now adds that this should not be misinterpreted to mean the air would be subsidised.

The government of Nigeria has shocked the rest of the world by employing professional architects and photographers in the hopes of finally nailing the problem of food insecurity.

What’s more, he continued, all you need to be elected into office is some tangible business or political capital, a secondary school leaving certificate (genuine or not), and to have been born at least 35 years prior to the time of election (a fact which anyone hardly bothers to confirm).

The guest/inmates list for a VIP section in the hottest part of Hellfire has recently been updated, making it the exclusive reserve of people who deny that extrajudicial killings happened on October 20, 2020, during the End SARS demonstration.

Nigeria’s highest-paid civil servant, Mohd Boo-Harry alias Bad Boy alias Kilokanmi (What is My Business?) alias E Choke (?), has again dipped hands into his employers’ purse for a “medical check-up” in London even after being handsomely paid to upgrade the country’s health facilities.

“Think about it for a moment,” said the country’s defence minister Babachir Magaji during a press briefing on Monday. “We have to be prepared. Getting kidnapped is not a matter of ‘if’ anymore, it is about ‘when’. And it is not something that affects just one social class or ethnic group. Everybody is eating the breakfast.”

Making his first public appearance in years, General Babachir ‘I-Once-Fought-A-Lion-With-My-Bare-Hands’ Magaji, on Wednesday, regaled journalists with stories of how he fought in the Nigerian Civil War with nothing but a table knife.