ABUJA INTL’ AIRPORT (The T.A. Report) ― Nigeria’s highest-paid civil servant, Mohd Boo-Harry alias Bad Boy alias Kilokanmi (What is My Business?) alias E Choke (?), has again dipped hands into his employers’ purse for a “medical check-up” in London even after being handsomely paid to upgrade the country’s health facilities.
In fact, Bad Boy announced his plan to see his UK doctors the same day resident doctors in Nigeria said they would be embarking on an indefinite strike — an occurrence many think could not have been a coincidence.
“It is as if Boo-Harry is either God- or Devil-sent to punish Nigerians and remind them of their sins. He is here to push us to the wall and then taunt us by asking why our shirts are stained with paint,” one analyst told our correspondent. “It is certainly a ghetto whatchu-gonna-do-about-it moment.”
Kelechukwu Afolayan, an expert on Kleptocratic Policies in the Global South, gave a similitude: “It is like you employed chef for your family but rather than cook for himself too, he collects additional money from you to order food from Chicken Republic and Kilimanjaro. Is it not food poisoning that will kill you?”
Meanwhile, Bad Boy’s most passionate mouthpiece, Femo Ade-sinner, has said his boss never promised to fix Nigeria’s ailing hospitals.
“That was not part of his job description,” he said with a signature straight face during a Panels TV interview. “The claim is false, apocryphal, and must have been fabricated by enemies of the good governance to distract us from the administration’s core objectives. Baba only promised to work on the economy, security situation, and corruption. That’s all. If you have evidence to the contrary, you are free to share it.”
“Besides, how can Mr President fix the hospitals if they kill him first?” Femo asked. “Let’s be serious for a moment and really think about it.”
Sources at the statehouse said Bad Boy was excited to finally be able to see his preferred doctors, whom he had only been meeting through Zoom calls because of the COVID-19 pandemic.
It is estimated that the taxpayers’ money he and his aides will spend to during the two-week medical holiday in the UK is enough to pay the resident doctors working on empty stomachs and pockets back in Nigeria and also build at least two standard secondary healthcare facilities.
Caveat: Note that this piece is a fictional satire aimed purely at humour. The words above are nothing but products of a drunk writer’s imagination. We hereby refuse to accept responsibility for the results of anyone’s credulity or mischief. Do not take us seriously. We repeat; do not take us serious! … On second thought though, maybe you should do just that.