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Country that cannot save its people plans to rescue people who don’t want to be saved

Country that cannot save its people plans to rescue people who don’t want to be saved

The government of Naijiriya, a country lodged in the armpit of Africa, has perfected plans to rescue people living in Nijey, a neighbouring country to the north. There’s only one problem: those people do not want to be saved.

Thousands of people have trooped to the street to protest Naijiriya’s proposal, going as far as calling Naijiriyan president Baller Tininbu, Ebola, one of the deadliest infections to have reared its head on the continent.

If you remember, in July, people in the Nijeyrian Army who were appointed to guard President Mohammed Zoomba got fed up and locked him up instead, hoping to get him to resign. Recently, soldiers in Burkina Faso, Mali, and Guinea also kicked out the democrats in government, who have chosen to be kissing the boots of Western countries instead of their own boots. 

The regional bloc, CEDEAO, is afraid the dark days of military rule from the 1960s will return, where soldiers would seize their source of income and refuse to let go after realising how profitable and intoxicating power can be in Africa. But Nijeyrians do not mind having khaki-wearing commandos formulate and implement policies. After all, they have had several decades of democracy but are still one of the world’s poorest countries — taking some of the stench away from Naijiriya.

“We are happy to be ruled by soldiers who have no regard for human rights,” said Moukaïla Bazouka, one of the protesters holding a placard that reads ‘Say No To Ebola Tininbu’.

“We are happy to cut ties with everyone, including France, which has supported us against terror groups, and Naijiriya, which supplies us with electricity. Only Russia understands us, so we are eloping with them. We will give them all our uranium and then become a member of BRICS and be as rich as South Africa.”

But Baller Tininbu, who just last month was elected chairman of CEDEAO, has turned a deaf ear to the insults and protests. “Let the people of Nijey breathe!” he declared at the press conference on Friday. “We owe them that responsibility and we will rescue them whether they like it or not.”

Tininbu has given the coup leaders in Nijey one week to vacate the throne and threatened fire and brimstone if they fail to comply. That ultimatum will expire soon and Naijiriyans are anxious.

Naijiriya has not really been a bastion of democracy and good governance either, with many people alleging that the election that skateboarded Tininbu into the state house was heavily rigged.

During the administration of former President Modu Bukhari, objects were refusing to fly, including things whose only mission is to take flight, such as pigeons and a national airline. But under the few months of Tininbu’s leadership, things have gotten so bad that objects are falling from the sky, including elevators and airplanes. Meanwhile, food and fuel prices have bought a permanent residence in the heavens.

The country is also notorious for being so insecure that it has exported some of its violence to the neighbouring countries of Nijey and Kamerun.

“If all our soldiers are sent to fight a war in Nijey, who will remain to protect us from Boko Haram, bandits, and separatist madmen?” asked Ejike Adamu, a human rights advocate and social commentator.

“Let us reason this thing well o. Not all of us have other countries we can run to when crisis breaks out. Don’t we already have enough things to worry about?”

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I am Tubosun, the first son of Ajanaku; and my forte lies in casting light upon the bottomless pits of societal ills through the pastiche of news and satire.

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