The Federal Government has reacted to a spate of attacks launched against websites and Twitter handles belonging to some of its agencies by Anonymous, an international hacktivist movement, and said the group is free to keep them. “It is not like we were using them before,” said presidential spokesperson Fem De-sin during an interview on Sunset Weekly.

“You know the only other protest to have received such international recognition is the #BringBackOurGirls movement. But the truth is we cannot scrap SARS now because we have not reached our revenue generation goals for the last quarter of 2020 so we are trying to fast-track things or at least attain 50 per cent completion. It is this money we still use to fund campaigns during election, buy fuel to sustain police stations, and pay for some of our unofficial trips abroad. Nigerians who have had encounters with SARS have no idea how important their contributions are to national development.”

Leading this assault on social media bandits is Brig. Gen. PamPam, more fondly known by his nickname Omo Iya Ologi. With an army of over 260,000 followers on Twitter, Iya Ologi’s son possesses the perfect qualities required for a project as important as ass-wiping the Nigerian Army’s reputation on the internet.

A former good-for-nothing devil, fondly known as Ba Sheggy, has become washed of his countless sins after he recently joined the political party of angels, The T.A. Report gathered.