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The T.A. Report

‘I hope they won’t notice.’ Cleric disguises normal events as prophecies

‘I hope they won’t notice.’ Cleric disguises normal events as prophecies

WORLD RELIGIOUS CAPITAL (The T.A. Report) ―  Local Nigerian pastor, Bishop E.A. “Ojuonitiwa” Joshua, has finally released a couple of prophecies for the infant year, 2021. Strangely, however, many of the events foretold are things with a 95 to 100 per cent chance of happening anyway.

“We certainly hope they won’t notice,” Ojuonitiwa (which translates to “God no go shame us”) confided in our correspondent.

He is the founder of Nigeria’s biggest healing and motivational centre and has a reputation for giving vaguely spot-on “divine prophecies” — at least a third of the time, which is one of the best performances in the industry.

But, he says, 2020 was a disaster for many top players, including himself, because of the rude shock of the coronavirus pandemic, “so I have decided to play it safe this time.”

One of the clergyman’s best-kept secrets is his Standing Committee on Predictions and Prophecies, with members who have advanced qualifications in Social Psychology, Political Strategy, Data Analysis, International Relations, and so on.

“Our leading prophecy was that some of the things that happened in 2020 will spill over into 2021,” he chuckled as he almost spilled his cup of tea.

“We also said that God will begin to deal with nations individually and heal those whose people are humble and prayerful — but, ahem, we all know Nigeria that has the world’s largest population of prayer warriors is still begging for vaccines,” he added, now laughing uncontrollably.

“God told us, you see, that the COVID-19 pandemic will become clearer this year, that the vaccines will work effectively, and that the year will be full of surprises. He told us Nigeria will continue to borrow money locally and internationally and that people should pray fervently to avert the death of someone at Aso Villa.”

Ojuonitiwa said all he has to do now is explain that the pre-handing-over chaos going on in the United States is part of those surprises God was trying to inform him of.

“I really should have been more specific with that because the signs were too glaring. It is what my children like to call a sure bet… I guess I need to get a new political analyst.”

Caveat: Note that this piece is a fictional satire aimed purely at humour. The words above are nothing but products of a drunk writer’s imagination. We hereby refuse to accept responsibility for the results of anyone’s credulity or mischief. Do not take us seriously. We repeat; do not take us serious! … On second thought though, maybe you should do just that.

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I am Tubosun, the first son of Ajanaku; and my forte lies in casting light upon the bottomless pits of societal ills through the pastiche of news and satire.

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