… where sa-tyres never go flat

The T.A. Report

Buari’s speech on Lekki Massacre still being edited

Buari’s speech on Lekki Massacre still being edited

ABUJA (The T.A. Report) ― The presidency has asked Nigerians to be patient for the part II of Mahmud Buari’s speech to the country on the End SARS campaign, explaining that the section containing his position on the Lekki Massacre and other key issues is still with the video editor.

“Let’s be honest, it will take some time before we can release a finished product,” said senior presidential spokesperson, Garuba Shior.

“The president just could not stop laughing when we presented the speech to him and he kept punctuating his condolence to the victims with unsavory giggles. We are sending the recording to Bollywood producers to see if they can work magic on it.”

Asked how long it will take, Shior replied that maybe a year, “or two — we have our fingers crossed”.

“We really did not plan for the president to give this many speeches this year. The logistics for producing one speech alone could take weeks. It’s been an absolute disaster. Just bear with us,” he pleaded.

A short footage of the session glimpsed by our Correspondent of Probable Fiction shows the president banging on the table in front of him as he burst into raucous laughter. He had just stuttered through the word “con—con—dol — lence”.

Other parts of the speech that elicited a similar response from Buari included those assuring there would not be repeat occurrence of the unfortunate killings of protesters at the Lekki toll-gate area and committing to the establishment of a Victim Support Fund for the families of the deceased.

“Why else do we have Tradermoni and the Youth Investment Fund?” he snickered.

Meanwhile, a close aide to the president informed The T.A. Report that the reason not a single person has so far resigned is because no provisions were made in the budget for resignation letters.

“This is something you plan for, you see. We don’t do things like that arbitrarily. We have been debating whether to slip about N2 billion in the 2021 budget for this purpose, but then again Vice President Osibande said God forbid,” the source said.

“I have prayed about it; there will be no reasons for resignation till 2023 in Jesus’ name,” he added, quoting the VP.

Caveat: Note that this piece is a fictional satire aimed purely at humour. The words above are nothing but products of a drunk writer’s imagination. We hereby refuse to accept responsibility for the results of anyone’s credulity or mischief. Do not take us seriously. We repeat; do not take us serious! … On second thought though, maybe you should do just that.

3.7 7 votes
Article Rating

Share this post

I am Tubosun, the first son of Ajanaku; and my forte lies in casting light upon the bottomless pits of societal ills through the pastiche of news and satire.

Wanna leave a reply?

Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x