ABUJA (The T.A. Report) ― The restless heart of Nigeria’s Vice President, Professor Yemii Osibande (PYO), has again gone out for some fresh air in the light of the ongoing civil war declared by the government against its own people.

Osibande shared his heart’s movements minutes to midnight on Wednesday, perhaps hoping that gunshots (which now light up the Nigerian skies better than stars) would be enough to keep the Twitter TL awake.

“My heart goes out to all the victims of the Lekki shootings, and also the policemen and all other men and women who lost their lives in the past few days in different parts of Lagos and other states,” the professor, who famously doubles as the country’s Minister of Condolences, said. “We pray we will never see a repeat of these tragedies in Jesus name. God bless you all.”

He signed the statement as “YO”, apparently forgetting that he was also the Vice President and number two citizen.

Nigerians suggest that the condolence minister is likely not aware of how many people truly died during the tragic incident at Lekki because “there is no way his heart could have visited all of them in such a short period”.

“We don’t need his nomadic heart to go out to victims,” one Lekki protest survivor said. “That is what his feet are meant for. Besides, we are tired of having a Vice President whose heart is always bleeding. All we want is for our own to keep beating.”

Meanwhile, information reaching The T.A. Report is that Osibande’s speechwriter has nearly exhausted all available synonyms for “condolence” and may soon need to start recycling old press statements.

“I wish I were writing for Bad Boy instead,” he admitted to someone who then told our correspondent. “The pay is better and I hardly have to do anything. Gaskiya, all I need to write are birthday messages and speeches to commemorate a few public holidays.”

Caveat: Note that this piece is a fictional satire aimed purely at humour. The words above are nothing but products of a drunk writer’s imagination. We hereby refuse to accept responsibility for the results of anyone’s credulity or mischief. Do not take us seriously. We repeat; do not take us serious! … On second thought though, maybe you should do just that.

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