ABUJA (The T.A. Report) ― Nigeria’s perplexed President, Mahmud Buharii, now fondly known as Bubu the Bad Boy, has asked why none of the government’s tactics in getting the #EndSARS protests to end seems to be working.

In a meeting with his kitchen cabinet on Sunday, Bad Boy complained bitterly about the stubbornness of the protesters, our Correspondent on Secret Meetings gathered.

“What have we not done in the past two weeks? We have released, what, about 10 press statements? I have met with several top government officials and shared stunning pictures of these high-level meetings to assure Nigerians of my personal involvement. We have in fact, you know, technically defeated SARS and replaced two of the letters. My wife’s solidarity tweet did not even have any effect; maybe I should ask her to go talk to BBC Hausa for more distraction since these protests are now spreading to the north,” he lamented.

“What else do these children want? We launched the Youth Investment Fund and Youth Empowerment Scheme to calm them down but it didn’t work. We even showed them photos of beautiful Keke NAPEP and motorcycles that we will give them but, erm, will still ban later.

“They want a 77-year-old man to start visiting the families of victims? Have we not agreed that Osibande should release a powerful condolence message? Have governors not paid visits to some of the families? Don’t they know there are bigger issues that need my attention in Abuja like meeting with Goodluck to discuss the crisis in Mali and expressing condolences to heads of state contracting COVID-19 across the world?”

Bad Boy added that it seems the only trick the government has not tried is unleashing the full force of the armed forces on the protesters.

“But those shiite people have refused to resign to fate despite all the intimidation from Burujai. These young protesters look even crazier! Imagine they are even bypassing our attempts to block their source of funding and are hiring their own security guards.”

“I still suspect that the FeDeFe have a hand in this,” he concluded. “Or Iran. Or America. They can’t be trusted.”

Following the meeting, Buharii asked Fem De-sin to again check “the situation in the UK” and confirm that his unrestrained access to quality healthcare facilities has not been diplomatically compromised as a result of the protests.

“I can’t wait to go for my routine check-up, but I’m afraid that Osibande will go and do something stupid in my absence,” he whispered to his loyal spokesperson before chuckling heartily, as he did when he heard about how seriously the Lagos State government was addressing this police brutality thing.

Caveat: Note that this piece is a fictional satire aimed purely at humour. The words above are nothing but products of a drunk writer’s imagination. We hereby refuse to accept responsibility for the results of anyone’s credulity or mischief. Do not take us seriously. We repeat; do not take us serious! … On second thought though, maybe you should do just that.

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