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The T.A. Report

Local man with zero knowledge of vaccines speaks boldly about them

Local man with zero knowledge of vaccines speaks boldly about them

SOME LOCALITY (The T.A. Report) ― A local man, Orubebe Confucius, who knows absolutely nothing about microbes, infectious diseases, and how vaccines work has been seen multiple times speaking confidently about COVID-19 vaccination–often taking the pleasure to discourage others from taking it.

“How come there is no vaccine yet for malaria, cancer, headache, and low sperm count after all these years? This COVID-19 vaccine was just created to kill all of us because the world does not like our face and wants to take our rich land,” he said in one of many videos posted on his Facebook page.

Even though Local Man is a graduate of The Performing Arts and has since worked as a party photographer, he has at least watched one YouTube video, read three blogposts, and forwarded four WhatsApp broadcast messages (after seeing the word vaccine and many exclamation marks in the first paragraph) on the subject of vaccination. Naturally, he now considers himself an expert.

Confucius did not believe COVID-19 was real until he lost five of his close friends and relatives to the disease. The fifth time, he had to insist on seeing the test result and the lifeless body.

Now that thousands of people have been confirmed to have died after contracting the virus, he has no doubt that the vaccines have only been taken seriously by many developed countries because they want to kill Africans, take people’s freedoms, and establish a <<read in thick, scary voice>> New. World. Order.

Local Man’s most hated man is Bill Gates, who he is sure could only have become the world’s richest man for so long after conniving with the Devil himself. Gates, Local Man believes, must have a sinister ulterior motive for everything he does. He has just learnt of the new Forbes favourites, Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos, and has started to read up (WhatsApp broadcasts) about those two as well.

Local man does not watch television or read newspapers because “the media only shares a bunch of lies” and when he does, it is to know the facts he must desist from believing.

“How dare you ask me for proof?” he burst out during a phone conversation with The T.A. Report. “Haven’t you seen the video of the Man of God who said the vaccines are part of the world domination plan of the Chinese? Even a state governor has told people not to take it. Not to talk of Dr Arushka Babushka from India who wrote a lengthy article that was shared on WhatsApp after resigning from Pfizer.”

“I will rather die than take any stupid vaccine,” he insisted before abruptly ending the call.

Caveat: Note that this piece is a fictional satire aimed purely at humour. The words above are nothing but products of a drunk writer’s imagination. We hereby refuse to accept responsibility for the results of anyone’s credulity or mischief. Do not take us seriously. We repeat; do not take us serious! … On second thought though, maybe you should do just that.

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I am Tubosun, the first son of Ajanaku; and my forte lies in casting light upon the bottomless pits of societal ills through the pastiche of news and satire.

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