SOMEWHERE SAFE (The T.A. Report) ― One of Nigeria’s lesser-known Federal Executive Cabinet members, the Minister of Self-Defence, has called on residents of communities ravaged by bandits to take their destinies into their own hands.

Making his first public appearance in years, General Babachir ‘I-Once-Killed-A-Lion-With-My-Bare-Hands’ Magaji, on Wednesday, regaled journalists with stories of how he fought in the Nigerian Civil War with nothing but a table knife.

“Who is a bandit, or even Boko Haram, that we are now making a big deal out of?” he asked as the pressmen looked on in deep admiration.

“Back in my village, everyone from the toddlers to old people on deathbed were part of the community vigilante. No one was exempted. We fought wild animals, fought armed robbers, and even demons from the evil forest.”

“But today,” he continued, “everyone is waiting for the government to rescue them. If you did not know, only the living can be rescued by the government. It is your job to stay alive, then our soldiers can take it from there. The government will play its part by evacuating your village, burning it to the ground, and transporting you to a safe displacement camp.”

He urged all Nigerians to shun cowardice, stressing that it is one of the reasons the National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) programme has been sustained.

“Change beings with you, and so does security.”

General Magaji, however, said he does not support the call for people to carry guns to defend themselves.

“Do you see Sunday Igboho holding guns? Yet he can single-handedly conquer Boko Haram fighters. Do you see Aisha Yesufu or Omoyele Sowore holding guns? Yet they confront armed men all the time. There are other means of protection, friends, and I will discuss with the education minister to make sure we soon include this in our basic curriculum,” he said.

“Even as the minister of self-defence and a retired general, I personally do not use guns and I have lived this long.”

After the press briefing, the minister swaggerly hopped into a black SUV and zoomed off — in the company of 10 other vehicles filled with at least three secret service operatives and soldiers each.

Caveat: Note that this piece is a fictional satire aimed purely at humour. The words above are nothing but products of a drunk writer’s imagination. We hereby refuse to accept responsibility for the results of anyone’s credulity or mischief. Do not take us seriously. We repeat; do not take us serious! … On second thought though, maybe you should do just that.

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