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The T.A. Report

Police brutalise protesters protesting police brutality

Police brutalise protesters protesting police brutality

NIGERIA (The T.A. Report) ― Police officers in Nigeria, famously ranked as the worst all over the world, have thrown decency to the wind as they descend on protesters across the country who are calling for an end to police brutality.

Protesters calling for an end to the Special Advanced Robbery Squad (SARS) of the Nigeria Police have continually trooped to the streets since Thursday. But, feeling threatened by the wave of demonstration, members of the force spared no rod (or cartridge) in re-establishing their dominance.

The police spokesperson, Francis Ndo, acting against the better judgment of his long line of lecturers, justified this reaction by suggesting confidently but without a shred of proof that many of the protesters are themselves crooks and clout-chasers.

The president and the Inspector General of Police, Muhammed Aaniridamu, have been taking HD pictures at the state house and sharing them via Twitter to show their concern. They have, in fact, also released statements emphasising that they are on top of the situation and SARS will soon be reformed and everything will be right and, most importantly, everyone can go home.

Insiders, however, informed The T.A. Report that the government is dragging its feet in order to make extra revenue through the police tactical squad before something tangible is done.

“This protest is making everybody to panic o,” one source at the presidential villa said.

“You know the only other protest to have received such international recognition is the #BringBackOurGirls movement. But the truth is we cannot scrap SARS now because we have not reached our revenue generation goals for the last quarter of 2020 so we are trying to fast-track things or at least attain 50 per cent completion. It is this money we still use to fund campaigns during election, buy fuel to sustain police stations, and pay for some of our unofficial trips abroad. Nigerians who have had encounters with SARS have no idea how important their contributions are to national development.”

Meanwhile, rumours have it that many local media organisations are so dumbfounded by this strange turn of events they are still at wits’ end on how to go about reporting them. For now, silence remains the best answer, the executives have hammered (into the heads of reporters who still want their jobs).

Caveat: Note that this piece is a fictional satire aimed purely at humour. The words above are nothing but products of a drunk writer’s imagination. We hereby refuse to accept responsibility for the results of anyone’s credulity or mischief. Do not take us seriously. We repeat; do not take us serious! … On second thought though, maybe you should do just that.

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I am Tubosun, the first son of Ajanaku; and my forte lies in casting light upon the bottomless pits of societal ills through the pastiche of news and satire.

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