By: Edwin Mamman
Congratulations! You ended 2023; it didn’t end you. Your village people called several times, but it went to voicemail.
A new year is always ripe with promises of new beginnings and renewed hopes. While most of that is true, something else holds true as well: Real and lasting change begins with you. Like the legend, Michael Jackson sang, “I’m looking at the man in the mirror/ I’m asking him to change his ways.”
If you want to eat from that ripe fruit this year, you must look at yourself in the mirror and face your bullshit. With that said, I will go full ghetto on you from here on and judge you on your bullshit from the past year.
In no particular order, here are some things you should leave in your past:
New Year New Me BS:
So you partied throughout 2023. On 31st December, you attended the New Year’s Eve party instead of the cross-over night in church. Then 7 a.m., the next day, you’re updating your WhatsApp status with ‘new year, new me’. Nigga, please! That update is fake as your girlfriend’s lashes and wig. Drop the act and do better this year. You can start by fixing the mindset that the new year is the only starting point for any life improvement, reinvention or implementation of change in your life.
Giving Politicians Your Mumu Button:
It is a universally accepted truth in this our land that if you give politicians your mumu button, they will press it until it’s broken. Yes, they are shameless like that. And you sef you need to have self-respect. They told you the poor would breathe, and you opened your lungs waah as if that promise itself was oxygen. Now look at you nine months later, suffocating. Our mumu no too much? Politicians are like that demon who will assure you you’re the only flower in his garden. News flash: One flower is not enough to make a garden; e no even reach to make bouquet sef. So this year and beyond, shine your eyes and hide your mumu button; otherwise, dem go press you, press your destiny.
Your ‘Twitter Warrior’ Title:
Oshey o, Elon’s strongest warriors! Twitter generals. Yes o, that hot take you posted in response to a tweet did more damage than the atomic blast in Hiroshima. Oppenheimer is most proud of you. I hope Elon has paid you in dollar bills. Anyway, it’s a new year. Carry that Twitter warrior trophy, put it in a box and stash it in a basement or that ugly wardrobe in your house where things enter and never see the light of day. Let your Twitter fingers rest this year; not every tweet requires your equal and opposing reaction. Yes, you are woke, we get it, and wisdom is plenty in your head. But sometimes you need to calm down. It’s not always that deep.
Religious Derision and Divisiveness:
“And on this sallah day, not a single sallah meat was given to me.” You posted that update with your full chest but forgot all the times you called your Muslim co-worker Aboki or called Alhaji dirty for performing ablution in front of his shop. And you wonder why nobody fucks with you on sallah day. Ehen, and you, that rubbish you posted on Christmas Eve in the wake of the killings in Jos. You also forgot how you spun a narrative on the ongoing Israeli-Palestine issues and tried to cast aspersions to push Christian-Muslim propaganda on your timeline. You even call Christmas a pagan celebration. Still, you’re beefing your Christian neighbour for not sending you chicken and chin-chin on Christmas day. Do better this year.
You want to japa, but you still think people in the north live in mud houses and move around in wooden carts peddled by cows. You that cannot tell an Australian accent from a British accent; you don’t even know any foreign currencies besides the dollar and pound. What you need is to first of all japa to another part of the country and acclimate to the environment. Learn the people, their cultures and traditions before you think of Canada. Expand your worldview first; abroad does not need you and your shallowness.
Aunty pelebe, we have watched from the mountains and we have seen the 1000 photos of you in front of your neighbour’s polished gate, posing with the same G-wagon. And we’ve about had enough of the pictures of the same food shot from 20 different angles. We are tired. Abeg change restaurants and try new cuisines. Better still, lock your phone in a bank vault and attend at least one book event without a camera following you. Surprise yourself even and ask the panellists an engaging question rather than filming Instagram livestreams while panel discussions are going on. Do better this year.
I have more to say, but my village people are calling again, and I have to hit decline. Peace. Happy New Year!