Lockdown: SARS officials hit rock bottom, to start door-to-door ‘anti-crime’ visits
Salami said the officials have recently received valuable intelligence about a group of cyber-fraudsters in Lagos known as Sinzu, Spending, and Jacuzzi, and plans to pay them a visit in the first phase of its operation. “But, you know, we don’t want to disclose too much about that mission so as not to sabotage it,” he added, with a broad grin.
T.B. Josh blames unfulfilled prophecy on shutdown, self-isolating angels
“Also, you have to understand that the few supplications that were made could not be delivered to Heaven’s post office for two reasons. One, the airports are on partial shutdown and only medical supplies are currently being admitted up there. Second, I’ve been told most of the Angels are currently self-isolating. Only those performing essential services such as carrying the Almighty’s throne and singing his praises are still working.”
Covid-19: Nigerians hoard empathy, urge infected politicians to locate ‘nearest transformers’
“We, in fact, urge all Nigerian politicians whom the universe has favoured in the ongoing matchmaking with coronavirus to locate the nearest transformers for their empathy,” he concluded, adding that they should remember not to touch anyone on their way to the deadly electrical devices.
Coronavirus: Groups of immune Nigerians set to assemble in mosques, churches for prayer sessions
Some Muslims, obtained WhatsApp chats have revealed, also believe the virus outbreak is God’s way of punishing disbelieving nations and bad people in general. Dr Abubakr Imam Aliagan, a “renowned Islamic scholar”, has in fact encouraged Muslims to continue visiting mosques for prayers in their numbers since they are spiritually fortified against the plague.
Coronavirus: Critics ask why Nigeria ranks behind 80 other countries, blame Buhari
“There is a reason some diseases are called diseases of affluence,” he said. “Nigerians deserve better than diseases of poverty like Lassa fever and Malaria. We should be quick to replace them with Western afflictions like coronavirus, cancer, obesity, and hypertension. That’s not too much to ask, is it?”
People booing Buhari in Maiduguri ‘not even up to 100,000’, says Odesina
ABUJA (The T.A. Report) ― Nigerians are giving too much credit to the incident in Maiduguri where President Muhammadu Boohari was jeered at by residents, Special Adviser on Media Femii Odesina…
The VP’s Dictionary: 50 naira, Dangote truck, and 21 other words
23. Zebra crossing: (n) A row of parallel white lines painted on major roads to beautify them and generally make a city look modern, and which have been found to confuse and endanger the lives of people with an ‘abroad mentality’ who think the lines serve some other purpose.
Nigerians on Twitter share their inspiring (and realistic) cash-saving experiences
A group of hard-working and smart Nigerians have taken to Twitter to share their 100 per cent true stories of saving money from their little earnings. Hoping others, especially members of the Youth Wing of the Union of Lazy Nigerians, will learn from their experiences, they also disclosed the mind-blowing things they have invested the savings in, including building houses and hospitals.
Delayed childbirth: Nigeria’s celebrity baby, Vision 2020, ‘not fully formed yet’
ABUJA (The T.A. Report) ― The arrival of Nigeria’s long-expected child, Vision 2020, may in fact not take place this year, according to experts. This they say is because, despite fervent…
Woman-beating senator, Abbo, gives hope to others like him, says award cttee
“Abbo’s achievements give us hope that a man can still walk into any establishment, beat up people who challenge his God-given authority, and walk away with both his manhood and status intact. They give us hope that even the efficiency of security cameras and the outrage of all of the social media aren’t enough to bring down a daring man, no less a lawmaker with higher standards of behaviour. We are excited that such trifles as a man slapping a woman aren’t a genuine concern for the courts and legislature.”