How to get away with (extrajudicial) murder in Nigeria: A beginner’s guide
How fortunate one must feel to be a Nigerian, to come from a country where absolute freedom is not a myth and impunity reigns supreme. When a great man (we are not sure which one) famously proclaimed that “your liberty to swing your fist ends just where my nose begins,” he certainly had not heard about the wonderful country called Nigeria. He, especially, betrayed his ignorance of that special creature known as the Nigerian Policeman or the Nigerian Soldier for whom the liberty to swing their fists ends wherever the fists end. Full stop.
Buhari’s govt makes history with record number of virtual meetings — APC
ABUJA (The T.A. Report) ― Nigeria’s ruling party, the Anti-Progressive Congress (APC), has commended the administration of President Muhammadu Buhari for making history with its recent embrace of “groundbreaking technology”. Lanre Olinu,…
Soldiers who complain will henceforth have their heads examined, says Nigerian Army
“It is unheard of that, after years of training in discipline, self-restraint, self-sacrifice, and blind following, officials of the army will still speak against the army leadership. There can be no explanation for such irrational behaviour other than delirium and potential mental disorder.”
How to satirise religion in Nigeria
Are you one of those funny people who like making others laugh as you mock a part of the society they don’t belong to? Do you take pleasure in exaggerating…
China jealous as Nigeria imports another draconian legislation from Singapore
It will be recalled that, last week, Nigeria imported a draconian from Singapore called the Control of Infectious Diseases Bill. The T.A. understands that its actual name is the Infectious Diseases Act Pro Max, a slightly upgraded model of the original law enacted in 1977.
‘Why do good people die young?’… Heartbroken Nigerians mourn Kyari’s death on Twitter
It all started with Tife (@tife_fabunmi) who said he still cannot believe the great man is no more and has not been able to close the tap of his tears. “Why do good people die young?” the young man asked, overwhelmed with grief and extreme love for his country.
As healing powers take a break, famous Nigerian pastor settles for conspiracy theories
Meanwhile, it is worthy of note that conspiracy theories, according to the Encyclopedia Commonsensica, are a type of optical illusion created through the mixture of a few ounces of facts with truckloads of rubbish for the purpose of making the proponent seem way smarter than they really are.
Lockdown: SARS officials hit rock bottom, to start door-to-door ‘anti-crime’ visits
Salami said the officials have recently received valuable intelligence about a group of cyber-fraudsters in Lagos known as Sinzu, Spending, and Jacuzzi, and plans to pay them a visit in the first phase of its operation. “But, you know, we don’t want to disclose too much about that mission so as not to sabotage it,” he added, with a broad grin.
T.B. Josh blames unfulfilled prophecy on shutdown, self-isolating angels
“Also, you have to understand that the few supplications that were made could not be delivered to Heaven’s post office for two reasons. One, the airports are on partial shutdown and only medical supplies are currently being admitted up there. Second, I’ve been told most of the Angels are currently self-isolating. Only those performing essential services such as carrying the Almighty’s throne and singing his praises are still working.”
Covid-19: Nigerians hoard empathy, urge infected politicians to locate ‘nearest transformers’
“We, in fact, urge all Nigerian politicians whom the universe has favoured in the ongoing matchmaking with coronavirus to locate the nearest transformers for their empathy,” he concluded, adding that they should remember not to touch anyone on their way to the deadly electrical devices.
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