Unseriously Serious

How to get away with (extrajudicial) murder in Nigeria: A beginner’s guide 

How fortunate one must feel to be a Nigerian, to come from a country where absolute freedom is not a myth and impunity reigns supreme. When a great man (we are not sure which one) famously proclaimed that “your liberty to swing your fist ends just where my nose begins,” he certainly had not heard about the wonderful country called Nigeria. He, especially, betrayed his ignorance of that special creature known as the Nigerian Policeman or the Nigerian Soldier for whom the liberty to swing their fists ends wherever the fists end. Full stop.

The T.A. Report

Lockdown: SARS officials hit rock bottom, to start door-to-door ‘anti-crime’ visits 

Salami said the officials have recently received valuable intelligence about a group of cyber-fraudsters in Lagos known as Sinzu, Spending, and Jacuzzi, and plans to pay them a visit in the first phase of its operation. “But, you know, we don’t want to disclose too much about that mission so as not to sabotage it,” he added, with a broad grin.

The T.A. Report

T.B. Josh blames unfulfilled prophecy on shutdown, self-isolating angels 

“Also, you have to understand that the few supplications that were made could not be delivered to Heaven’s post office for two reasons. One, the airports are on partial shutdown and only medical supplies are currently being admitted up there. Second, I’ve been told most of the Angels are currently self-isolating. Only those performing essential services such as carrying the Almighty’s throne and singing his praises are still working.”