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The T.A. Report

Benue politician donates ultramodern, state-of-the-art ropes to goat farmers

Benue politician donates ultramodern, state-of-the-art ropes to goat farmers

BENUE (The T.A. Report) ― A politician in Benue state, Daniel Ukperaa, has adopted an innovative way of discouraging open grazing in the region by donating ultramodern, state-of-the-art ropes to goat farmers.

The T.A. Report gathered that the yellow, 3 mm polypropylene plastic ropes, imported directly from Taiwan, were custom-made for the Red Sokoto and West African Dwarf goat breeds that are commonly reared in Benue.

If used correctly, the ropes are capable of reducing goat rustling by 70 per cent and other cases of missing goats by as much as 65 per cent, the politician explained.

” —And all you have to do is tie a noose with it, place it gently around the goat’s neck and tie the other end to a heavy, preferably fixed, object such as a wall or a pole,” he added as he demonstrated using a nearby plastic chair.

“The ropes are child-friendly and you don’t have to be an expert to use them,” he said with a grin.

“We deliberately picked this tinge of yellow because of how effectively it reflects sunlight. Our experiments show that, viewed from the right angles, the ropes can blind wild animals and herdsmen who try to get too close.”

Ukperaa said even though the ropes were expensive to procure, the sacrifice was worth it to safeguard lives and properties in the state.

He urged the federal government to introduce the rope distribution programme across rural communities in Nigeria, saying it will alleviate poverty and create millions of jobs for young Nigerians who can locally produce and recycle the ropes as well as help farmers in both tying and loosening them. He further promised to distribute many more if he is elected into the state House of Assembly in 2023.

“Let me tell you something,” Ukperaa giggled with excitement during his speech. “The best thing about these ropes is that they are multipurpose. After selling your goats, you can also use them to hang your curtains after you replace them, your clothes after you launder them, or maybe even yourselves whenever you are fed up with the way the country is going.”

Fidelis Madaki, the youth leader of one of the beneficiary-communities, appreciated the politician for his foresight and generosity.

“Before, we used to use rags and substandard materials to tie our goats, but now we can tie them according to standard best practices all over the world,” he said.

“Indeed, our lives will never remain the same. But we hope the honorable, in his next project, will consider giving us goat food, so that we don’t end up tying dead animals, and maybe also empower us with more goats as well as other domestic animals.”

Caveat: Note that this piece is a fictional satire aimed purely at humour. The words above are nothing but products of a drunk writer’s imagination. We hereby refuse to accept responsibility for the results of anyone’s credulity or mischief. Do not take us seriously. We repeat; do not take us serious! … On second thought though, maybe you should do just that.

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I am Tubosun, the first son of Ajanaku; and my forte lies in casting light upon the bottomless pits of societal ills through the pastiche of news and satire.

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