… where sa-tyres never go flat

Unseriously Serious

Job advert: Kidnappers wanted. No experience? No problem.

Job advert: Kidnappers wanted. No experience? No problem.

Are you a poor Nigerian who is angry at everything and everyone, especially rich people or even unassuming members of the middle class? Are you able-bodied but would rather make free money than earn some of your own? Do you sometimes daydream about wielding great power or accessing the legendry national cake through an unscrupulous backdoor?

Then you might just be the perfect candidate for one of our countless openings for kidnappers at Donkwa Boys Inc.

You’d have noticed that we could not get this advert into a national daily. Surprisingly, kidnapping is still considered a crime. But so is being in possession of money and luxurious items, and no one has ever arrested a policeman for abducting people guilty of that.

What we offer:

  • A highly competitive salary miles above what lawmakers and celebrity tech bros make. And the best part is, you don’t even have to pay taxes.
  • An intensive course in military training and gun handling.
  • Annual paid vacation in any of Nigeria’s vast forest reserves.
  • Longevity of lifespan through constant protection and (untested but trusted) spiritual fortification.
  • A chance to live out your Hollywood action/horror movie fantasies.
  • Opportunities to appear on television or to go viral on the internet when we release proof of life videos or invite reporters to our base.

What we ask:

  • You must speak at least one local language.
  • You must be able to keep secrets. {Snitches don’t only get stitches, we build bridges for them to the beyond.}
  • You must have no regard for human lives (except for those of your colleagues) or must be willing to abuse substances that will ensure this.
  • You must be able to live and survive outside your comfort zone, what many know as civilisation or urban areas.
  • You must have a grievance against the state or other ethno-religious groups, whether real or imaginary.
  • Experience in Accounting, Telecommunications, and Geography is an advantage.
  • A school-leaving certificate is not important.

You do not need to have prior kidnapping experience. We have a robust internship and mentorship programme that will ease you into the job.

Our gang (sorry, company) was formed in 2018 after our visionary founder, Donkwa, lost his entire family and house and herd of cattle to an invasion by a neighbouring community. Haha! Just kidding (but that is the story if any journalist asks you). Leader Donkwa merely saw the potential in the business, seeing as Boko Haram was raking in millions from kidnapping young students.

The most interesting thing is kidnapping is the only business where everyone is your target market: whether they are rich or poor, natives or foreigners, Muslim or Christian or atheists, civilians or politicians or military personnel. It doesn’t matter; as long as they have people who care about them and can pay ransom for their release.

It is also one of few businesses that is not regulated by the Companies and Allied Matters Act (CAMA) or the Consumer Protection Commission. We don’t have to register with the CAC. There is no quality assurance, insurance, or money-back guarantee. Sometimes, we even collect ransoms for people who already died in our custody.

You have nothing to worry about. We have a strong working relationship with all arms of the security infrastructure, from the Civil Defence to the Nigerian Army. They even supply some of the weapons we use and conduct regular training for our members on how to maximise resources and evade arrest. At least 20 per cent of our IGR goes into sustaining this relationship.

One thing that stands our company out from the rest is our Corporate Social Responsibility and gender-sensitive policies. We do not low-ranking members to engage in sexual violence. We do not collect ransom for unborn babies and only charge for the pregnant mothers. Only mid-ranking and top commanders can touch female abductees. Also, as a way of giving back to society, we do not strike on religious public holidays and sometimes give bonanza ransom packages for large raids.

Kindly note that we are constantly looking for independent contractors from other West and North African countries. So, please reach out if you’re confident you can work with us.

We also need informants who can give us information about the locations and movements of juicy targets. Rest assured that our commission rates are one of the most generous in the world.

What are you still waiting for? Take that bold step now; send your application to donkwaboys@yahoo.co.uk and we will reach out to you if we see potential.

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I am Tubosun, the first son of Ajanaku; and my forte lies in casting light upon the bottomless pits of societal ills through the pastiche of news and satire.

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