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The T.A. Report

Nigerians using jawmasks ask why ‘the damn thing’ isn’t working

Nigerians using jawmasks ask why ‘the damn thing’ isn’t working

ABUJA (The T.A. Report) ― Nigerians who have been adhering strictly to the use of jawmasks, among other safety measures to protect themselves from COVID-19, are starting to wonder why they still go on to contract the disease.

The T.A. Report gathered that the jawmask functions both as a clothing accessory and a good luck charm. Ordinarily, it is produced as a facemask but many Nigerians prefer to simply cover their jaws with it to ward off the novel coronavirus.

“I did everything right,” protested Temibami Odelendeyin who called us from an isolation centre in Lagos.

“I washed my hands frequently as instructed, I didn’t stay outside beyond 6 pm, and I used my jawmask at all times, even during Zoom meetings. But I still took ill and, now, I have been diagnosed with COVID-19. O wrong now.”

Another COVID-19 patient who asked for her name not to be disclosed said she has still not recovered from the shock of taking ill despite her “extreme precautions”.

“My mask never left my jaw,” she explained.

“In fact, I always wore masks that matched my dressing. I paid a lot of money to get varieties of it, so why isn’t the damn thing working? It had just one job for God’s sake!”

Stephen Eloghosa, a tailor and expert maskologist (based on two recent webinars), told our correspondent the jawmask is not only considered a physical protective gear, “for some it is deeply spiritual as well”.

“They seem to believe, even though the coronavirus is known to enter the body through the mouth and nostrils, the sight of the mask is enough to kill or dissuade the virus,” he said.

“You know, it is the same way people use sanitisers on a fraction of their palm and a few fingers and then expect that their entire hand is somehow microbe-free. It is either a fundamental product design flaw or our people just aren’t very smart.”

Abdullahi Tapa, an Ebola survivor who has so far not died during the ongoing pandemic, however said it is not always one of the two options. The secret, he told his paper, is faith.

“Don’t get me wrong, you need to wear the mask. But you don’t have to give yourself a headache over it,” he advised. “Wear it however you find convenient. Wallahi, God sees your intention.”

“The masks many people are wearing are not even the recommended ones. They are not thick enough. So why are we disturbing ourselves?”

Recent statistics obtained from a study widely circulated on WhatsApp indicate that 90 per cent of Nigerians believe “COVID-19 is not and will never be their portion”. The other 10 per cent do not think the virus exists to start with.

Caveat: Note that this piece is a fictional satire aimed purely at humour. The words above are nothing but products of a drunk writer’s imagination. We hereby refuse to accept responsibility for the results of anyone’s credulity or mischief. Do not take us seriously. We repeat; do not take us serious! … On second thought though, maybe you should do just that.

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I am Tubosun, the first son of Ajanaku; and my forte lies in casting light upon the bottomless pits of societal ills through the pastiche of news and satire.

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Sherif Ogundele
Sherif Ogundele
3 years ago

Nigerians & their spiritual arrogance, I hail oo. Well done, Tubosun. It’s always a hilarious pleasure to read your works.

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