The T.A. Report

Democracy files for divorce. ‘I’m leaving Nigeria for Dubai,’ she says. 

Democracy said she can no longer tolerate Nigeria’s abusive behaviour. Almost consistently, he hits her with the rattan cane of electoral malpractice, the bullwhip of press censorship, as well as the leather belts of indiscriminate arrests and illegal detentions. According to her, the injuries she sustained from the gubernatorial elections in Kogi and Bayelsa states, where both electoral materials and electoral officials went missing, nearly killed her.

From Our Allies

Ganduje monopolises corruption in Kano, brags of PhD in Pocketing Dollars 

“Let me state clearly without any equivocation that anyone of you who engages in corrupt practices will be thrown out of office. There can’t be two kings in a kingdom. I have made frantic efforts to reach the zenith in corrupt and shady dealings; particularly, in pocketing dollars. Therefore, I urge you all to accord me the exclusive right as the Sarkin Dollars of Nigeria,” he said.

The Village People's Dictionary

The VP’s Dictionary: Activist, constituted authority, corruption, and 20 other words 

Collins Dictionary, for instance, defines a road as “a long piece of hard ground which is built between two places so that people can drive or ride easily from one place to the other”. That’s correct you know—but only as long as you don’t import that understanding to Nigeria. Things are much different here… So different we’d need the entire dictionary rewritten to suit our realities. Here, a road would be more appropriately defined as “a warzone where potholes are mines, shock absorbers are shields, curses are bullets—and from which every soldier returns home a casualty”.

From Our Allies

The parable of the pothole 

As the driver approached it, the pothole cried out with a loud voice, “Who are you, driver?” Our driver responded as fast as the economic growth rate of Nigeria with, “I am Muhammed from Bornu state.” To my amazement, the pothole closed up leaving us with a smooth road to drive through. I asked the driver what just happened, he said, “Walahi, it’s because I’m from Bornu. What affects other Nigerians doesn’t affect us. Some basic problems other people encounter don’t come near us.”

Unseriously Serious

The discovery of ‘Nobody Holy’: A previously untold story 

Some say the it was forged by an ancient sorcerer out of the last remnants of icing on ‘Geria’s national cake at the point where River Niger meets River Benue. Others say it was birthed after a rare intercourse between a Marlian and a Tacha Stan. But regardless of what version is true, ‘Nobody Holy’ made its way to the hearts and tongue of all ‘Gerians, old and young, male and female, and everyone in-between. And that was when things started to fall apart.

Copyright: Adeeko Olusegun
Unseriously Serious

The Nigerian government’s guide to road maintenance 

There are some silly countries, such as Canada, that have created online forms and helplines just for people to complain about potholes. Every year, the city of Toronto alone spends millions of dollars repairing hundreds of thousands of potholes and then—wait for it—also gives progress reports to the people about how many potholes they’ve massacred. Who does that? Aren’t they aware that potholes are citizens with fundamental human rights? Don’t they know they are a necessary evil that deserve to be treated with love, care, and respect?

Truthful Jokes

How to be relevant in Nigeria 

You see when you are doing well to the country, Nigerians will not be happy with you. If there’s adequate security and abundance of food, Nigerians will not acknowledge you. The best way you can be relevant in Nigeria is to have shortcomings in your duties as the President. Make sure there’s no adequate security even when you promise exactly that. Make sure the price of petrol increases drastically even when you promise a tremendous reduction.

Feature, From Our Allies

How Buhari could deliver Justin Trudeau│Tunde Asaju 

Canadians are spoilt rotten! They have a handsome prime minister that they insult daily. Early this year, a minister appointed by Prime Minister Justin Trudeau refused gestures to be lobbied to give a judicial soft-landing to a Canadian company – SNC-Lavalin, accused of bribing corrupt officials to do business in Libya. The Minister in question, 48-year old Jody Wilson-Raybould leaked the gesture and later resigned. Ingrate eh? I thought so too. She flatly told the man who appointed her that she felt uncomfortable carrying out her boss’s orders. Just negodu the insolence!