By: Ganiu Oloruntade
Our unrivaled hero,
I made it a point of duty to tender this unreserved apology on behalf of 200 million Nigerians. Don’t be puzzled, I merely took a cue from the architects of the Fourth Republic: the power-drunk men in khaki who authored our fraudulent constitution and used the phrase ‘we the people’ in the introduction, though not even a tinge of consultation with ‘the people’ was done. Deception is a Nigerian thing, anyways.
Now that you are partly off the hook, I guess this is timely.
The last few weeks have, indeed, been tough for you. I would rather not remind you of your ordeal. The bottom line remains that your hard-earned pedigree is desecrated, your esteemed name now dwells in the corridors of public notoriety. Equating your relationship with Nigeria as an entanglement isn’t overboard. We treated you wrongly!
Daddy Magu, may I? May I?
First, your groundbreaking discovery on ‘kovid-one-nine’ is, no doubts, compelling and indelibly etched into the sands of time. All thanks to you, we now know that corruption is the cause of the pandemic. You needn’t be adorned with a lab coat, neither did you go through the troubles of conventional scientific research, you solved a global mystery before anyone could say Jack; a feat deserving of a Nobel prize.
Add to that, like a dutiful laboratory rat, you had offered yourself to be experimented with; all in a bid to expose the inadequacies and intricacies of the nation’s anti-corruption war. Such kind of selflessness is rare. And that made you my hero. Our hero.
Sir, had you not left your comfort zone and shown this unbridled patriotism, how else do we get to know that a government appointee—czar of the anti-corruption agency—can remain in acting capacity for five years despite the Senate’s refusal to confirm his appointment and damning corruption allegations against his person?
Without your exploits in the fight against corruption—including your now infamous Gestapo style, witch-hunting, media trials and overbearingness—which unmasked the true nature of the antigraft war, perhaps we wouldn’t have known that the EFFC is merely a tool of political vendetta in the hands of the ruling party. Also, we are forever grateful to you for helping us belie the tiring cosmetic tales of integrity narrated by the town criers of Sir Bubu’s regime.
However, I won’t be a part of your crucifixion as I know the truth: you aren’t a preacher of love, you’re a fight, a war and the undisputed liquid metal. Explains why you were high-handed and ruled the EFCC like an emperor. Real wars, they say, aren’t fought by cowards. After all, the end justifies the means.
Of course, I’m not whitewashing you as a saint. The evergreen words of Musician, Naira Marley, already stated this incontrovertible truth: ‘ole ni everybody’, loosely translated as ‘everybody is a thief!’. But the corruption allegations levelled against you are baseless. Aren’t we fighting a war anymore? Then, isn’t it logical to have spoils of war? All those relooted funds and mansions bought in Dubai should be considered as such. As the corruptless Lagos Speaker would say, money is for spending! So you owe nobody an explanation.
Well, I brought you good tidings. We, Nigerian youth—whom your principal, Daddy Shockey, once labelled ‘lazy’—are ready to enter the streets in your support. We are most willing to show our youthful usefulness this time around. In fact, a special hashtag has also been created to push our social media advocacy: #MaguMattersToo.
Beyond that, we already kickstarted plans for a two-million-man march in Abuja as a show of solidarity. Remember 1998? When our forebears did the same while earnestly asking for a continuity in the bloodsucking leadership of our erstwhile dictator and lifelong benefactor, Sir Abacha aka Sinzu Money. The dark-googled General who had helped us keep our money in Swiss Banks ahead of trying times. A man whose generosity is still being felt many years after he kicked the bucket. Didn’t your principal say that he never stole? Yet, recovered loot—pardon my French, I meant assets—totaling $633 million, according to BudgIT, landed in the kitty since the inception of his regime. E no kuku concern me!
All in all, we hope you do find a place in your heart to forgive us.
A concerned citizen.
Ganiu Oloruntade is a writer and final year student of Political Science at the Lagos State University. He tweets @GaniuOloruntade.
Succinctly communicated, thanks to an adroit webbing of satiric elements in concise wordage. Particularly, the seventh paragraph got me INDABOSKied! Keep writing, Sir!
Beautifully written. We’re sorry sir Magu sir, you were disrespected indeed.
Wakanda person is this????..
TBH, this was succinctly written, and the shot entered the goal gidigan.
Well, an own goal if I may say, lol
This is a nice read to have a good night.
Moòmi Ganiu, Wehdone!
Magu, I really feel for you o.
As wise ones say, what the elder sees while sitting down, the child cannot even if he climbs the palm tree. Who knows, you may have foreseen a future for us and you’re trying to preserve Nigeria in Dubai and LA bank accounts ahead of trying times just like your Godfather Sinzu Money.
You know, we (the youths) will be applying our senses next time.
Great write-up, Ganiu.
I think U’re the first satirical writer I’ve seen that’s hit the right notes with the style and doubly comical stick of great satires.
More power to your elbow.