ABUJA (The T.A. Report) ― Ms Democracy, granddaughter of Ancient Greece and darling of the modern world, has officially filed for divorce against her estranged husband, Nigeria, a former servant of Great Britain and one-time poster boy of African excellence.
Her petition for dissolution was filed on Monday morning at the High Court of the Federal Capital Territory. In the 700-pages-long document, a copy of which was obtained exclusively by The T.A. Report, Ms Democracy gave various grounds for divorce, top of which is that Nigeria has been cheating on her with Ms Dictatorship, a notorious dominatrix.
“He doesn’t consider me attractive anymore,” she lamented in an attached affidavit. “Especially, ever since he appointed that old man from Dowra as his company’s chief executive officer.”
Democracy said she can no longer tolerate Nigeria’s abusive behaviour. Almost consistently, he hits her with the rattan cane of electoral malpractice, the bullwhip of press censorship, as well as the leather belts of indiscriminate arrests and illegal detentions. According to her, the injuries she sustained from the gubernatorial elections in Kogi and Bayelsa states, where both electoral materials and electoral officials went missing, nearly killed her.
She said Nigeria, who does not believe there’s anything like marital rape, also forces himself on her, she and fears he has infected her with multiple diseases contracted from his extramarital escapades.
“Also, he is not contented with the food I give him any more,” she complained. “He has this strong desire to instead steal directly from the pot. I even learnt he keeps a secret food store at his friend’s place at the suburbs.”
She said she is considering moving in with Dubai or Canada — “if he doesn’t mind taking a second wife”.
“Anywhere but here,” she added, tears building up on the borders of her eyes. “It is clear I’m no longer wanted.”
If her petition wins in court, Democracy will walk away with 50 per cent of Nigeria’s wealth, officially. Unofficially, experts predict, the losses could be even more devastating, considering that more developed countries, the International Monetary Fund (IMF), and donor organisations will be more reluctant to give “badly needed” loans and grants to the struggling son of Africa.
But Mahmud Bubu, Nigeria’s CEO who once described himself as a converted democrat, has said he doesn’t give a hoot if Democracy packs her bags.
“The ‘converted democrat’ speech was necessary because I was unemployed at the time and needed the job offer from her husband,” he told our correspondent.
“Right now, I really don’t care and in fact hope the court grants her application. Nigeria will remarry. I understand that Madame Dictatorship is still single and searching,” he said with a smirk.
“Our borders remain closed,” he added as a note of warning to the petitioner. “So if she goes, she had better make sure she stays abroad because I have instructed our Immigration officers not to allow any foreign products inside the premises.”
Caveat: Note that this iece is a fictional satire aimed purely at humour. The words above are nothing but products of a drunk writer’s imagination. We hereby refuse to accept responsibility for the results of anyone’s credulity or mischief. Do not take us serious. We repeat; do not take us serious! … On second thought though, maybe you should do just that.