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Satire 0-1 News: Corruption-induced corona, UI’s blind auditor, and other stories

Satire 0-1 News: Corruption-induced corona, UI’s blind auditor, and other stories

Facts are oftentimes stranger than fiction just as news is oftentimes more hilarious than satire. We live in a world (or country?) where journalists have, without intending it, become greater comedians than professional humorists. Don’t believe us? Keep reading.

‘Tis been two months since we showed you a glimpse of Nigeria’s constantly unfolding historical satire and, as a result, we have way more entries than usual. What can we say? The country simply never disappoints.

Coronavirus patient attempts to escape Lagos isolation centre over poor facilities, excessive heat, mosquitoes

The health worker told our correspondent that the Coronavirus index case had been “very upset about the surrounding,” adding that the patient “complained of excessive heat and mosquitoes.” In an interaction with our correspondent, the health worker, who did not wear any personal protective equipment required of workers in such an environment, said, “The patient wanted to run away yesterday (Thursday). The Italian man, who seems to be an engineer, was very angry that the room where he was kept was very hot. “There is nothing there (inside the isolation ward) aside from bed and hospital locker. He almost ran away and is still threatening to do that.”


Policeman ‘mistakenly’ shoots two traders

The Olomore axis of Abeokuta, the Ogun State capital, was on Thursday thrown into pandemonium following a violent clash between the special anti-cultism team of the police and traders. Two traders were shot in the fracas, with the police describing the shooting as a mistake. A witness said some police officers attached to Lafenwa division were allegedly pursuing some suspects believed to be ‘hardened’ criminals in the area, but were prevented by some traders. In anger, the squad reportedly opened fire on the traders. Two of the traders were hit by the bullets.


I strongly believe coronavirus is caused by corruption, says Magu

Coronavirus, officially named COVID-19, broke out in Wuhan in Hubei province of China in December. The zoonotic disease has since spread to over 25 countries, with over 73,000 infected persons and not less than 1,875 deaths. But Magu, who was commenting on the side effects of corruption, said the social vice is worse than any known disease, and is the cause of coronavirus.


Reps order 400 exotic cars, reject Nigerian brands

At the meeting, the lawmakers were said to have rejected Nigerian brands, insisting on foreign ones, preferably imported and not locally assembled. The lawmaker said a proposal to patronise Innoson Vehicles Manufacturing, a Nigerian brand based in Nnewi, Anambra State, was rejected. The lawmaker said, “It is Toyota Camry 2020. Manga will supply 300 of the vehicles. The person who supplied the Senate will supply the remaining 100. Someone suggested Innoson. I feel he was being sarcastic. He is from Anambra.”


Amaechi escapes as kidnappers attack Abuja-Kaduna train passengers

Hundreds of Abuja-Kaduna train passengers, including the minister of Transportation, Rotimi Amaechi, have escaped attack by kidnappers on Sunday evening. DAILY NIGERIAN reliably gathered that the kidnappers laid in ambush around Mando area and attempted to waylay the passengers, who arrived at Rigasa train station around 8:15pm. Sources said no sooner the kidnappers opened fire on the vehicles than mobile policemen and soldiers arrived the scene in armoured vehicles to disperse the hoodlums.

Buratai: We have defeated insurgency, but facing the challenge of terrorism

He revealed that Boko Haram members are everywhere in the country, including Lagos, adding that there are more across the North-east.
The Army chief insisted that even though insurgency had been defeated, terrorism would remain in the country for years. He said: “We have defeated insurgency, but facing the challenge of terrorism. There is no where you will not find Boko Haram – even in Lagos here, there are Boko Hatam. In Kaduna, there are Boko Haram. There are more across the North-east. Many have been arrested here in Lagos. We have been tracking them. We arrest them and take them into custody. We must differentiate between insurgency and terrorism.”


US, Germany encryption machine secretly used for spying on countries bought, dumped by Nigeria in warehouse – Report

The report by US Washington Post (including German TV outlet ZTE and Swiss channel SRF) disclosed that Nigeria purchased the machine but the date of purchase was not disclosed in the report. It stated that Nigeria eventually abandoned the machine in a warehouse possibly due to the Crypto machine’s complicated system. “At times, the incentives led to sales to countries ill-equipped to use the complicated systems. Nigeria bought a large shipment of Crypto machines, but 2 years later, when there was still no corresponding payoff in intelligence, a company representative was sent to investigate,” it said. “He found the equipment in a warehouse still in its original packaging,” according to the German document released to the Post.

Nigerian Senator appoints 118 aides to reduce joblessness, thuggery

He explained that the appointment comprises 2 Personal Assistants from each ward and 38 Special Assistants. “While the PAs are to serve as links between the lawmaker and the grassroots, the SAs would represent various special interests including women, youths, students, physically challenged and the aged through the constituency office in Bambam”, the statement read. It added that the number of aides was “part of Senator Amos’ empowerment drive aimed at reducing joblessness, youth restiveness, thuggery and other social vices.”

Our auditor went blind while working on UI accounts, bursar tells reps

The Bursar of the University of Ibadan, Michael Alatise, on Thursday, shocked the members of the House of Representatives’ Public Accounts Committee when he told Committee that the University has no audited accounts as the external Auditor engaged to do it became blind on the job, which eventually resulted to his demise. This was just as the lawmakers discovered that the said blind external Auditor was still being paid retainership by the University as recent as last year.

Take advantage of bad roads, minister tells local airlines

He said, “The population of Nigeria about 200 million people and the landmass with dilapidated infrastructure especially roads support aviation businesses and air transportation in Nigeria. The local airlines must not be lazy; they should get up and develop the routes.


NERC chairman: I have a dream that Nigerians will enjoy stable electricity one day

James Momoh, chairman of the Nigerian Electricity Regulatory Commission (NERC), says he has a dream that Nigerians will enjoy uninterrupted electricity supply one day. This is coming less than five days after the national grid collapsed twice within two hours, causing blackout across the country. Momoh shared his dream with the audience at a programme on the electricity sector. “I have a dream that one day, my people Nigerians, will have power 24/7. I have a dream that Nigeria will overcome all pressures,” the NERC chairman said.


Buhari’s daughter uses Presidential jet for personal engagement

Hanan, according to Daily Nigerian, was conveyed by the Presidential jet to attend the Durbar in Bauchi on Thursday. The President’s daughter, who recently graduated with a first class in Photography from Ravensbourne University, London, was said to have been invited by the Emir of Bauchi, Rilwanu Adamu, as a special guest of honour. In photographs which have since gone viral on social media, Hanan could be seen disembarking from the plane and being welcomed by Gombe State officials. It was gathered that the durbar was specially organised to avail the President’s daughter of the opportunity to take photographs of the traditional durbar, Bauchi architecture and other cultural sites in the state.


‘Amotekun has biblical origin’ — MURIC demands rebranding of security outfit

“Jeremiah 5:6 says, ‘A leopard shall guard over their city’. Amotekun is mentioned in this verse with particular reference to guarding a city. Now, we have a sub-region where Muslims have been under persecution for ages coming up with a security outfit under the name of the same leopard mentioned in the bible as a guard over the city,” he said. “This is not a coincidence. The handlers of Amotekun picked the name deliberately from the bible in order to score a spiritual point. It is very critical. It calls for serious concern. So why give a security unit a religious name? We advise the planners of the new security outfit to give it another name in the interest of peace and harmony in the sub-region”


Minister of science and technology, Onu, says Nigeria will send people to space

The Minister of Science, Technology and Innovation, Ogbonnaya Onu, has harped on the importance of science and engineering to nation-building, stressing that soon Nigeria would join the league of countries in space exploration. He stressed that the strength of the economy of any nation was dependent on its scientific and technological advancement. “Yes, we have that plan; don’t ever think it cannot be done, it may take 20 years, 30 years, but we have that plan and I will be very happy to see somebody from this school to go into space and you cannot do it without science and engineering.”


House of Reps suspends plenary for two weeks over coronavirus

House of Representatives on Tuesday suspended plenary for two weeks over coronavirus. Rep. Ndudi Elumelu proposed an amendment to the prayers of the motion calling on the National Assembly to suspend plenary for 2 weeks in order to oversee what is being done to contain the coronavirus nationwide. The amendment was adopted.


EXTRA: Ministry reveals why Lebanese terrorist got visa to Nigeria

According to an official of the ministry who spoke to Premium Times, lack of facilities to captures applicants’ biometrics was the bedevilling factor. Biometrics cover a diversity of unique identifiable attributes of people comprising fingerprint, iris, hand, face, voice, gait or signatures, and are used for proof of identity and verification. The anonymous source said that with the surge of insecurity and terrorism bedevilling the world at large, biometric taking has become necessary. However, Nigeria has failed to apply the technology albeit an enduring fierce battle with Boko Haram, a resilient Islamic terrorist sect that has slain thousands. 

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