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Satire 0-1 News: Photoshopped suspects, clerics in space agency, and other stories

Satire 0-1 News: Photoshopped suspects, clerics in space agency, and other stories

Facts are oftentimes stranger than fiction just as news is oftentimes more hilarious than satire. We live in a world (or country?) where journalists have, without intending it, become greater comedians than professional humorists. Don’t believe us? Keep reading.

Police share photoshopped pictures of arrested suspects

This might cause you some migraine: The Nigeria police force shared photoshopped pictures of arrested crime suspects on Tuesday. TheCable photo desk confirmed with the use of advanced technology that the pictures, which the police shared via its official handle, have been manipulated.

Chinese supplier blames ‘bad luck’ for frequent locomotive breakdown

When asked why the trains (CDD5c2 2701 and CDD5c2 2702 models) were frequently breaking down only a few months after they were commissioned, the CRCC engineer said: “It’s hard to say, maybe bad luck because the trains were newly built and certified okay by our company in China before they were sent to Nigeria in January.”

Space agency employing graduates of religious studies, Boroffice cries out

Deputy Senate Majority Leader and Chairman Senate Committee on Science and Technology, Ajayi Boroffice, has revealed that the space agency that should be employing scientists and engineers are employing graduates of religious studies and other unrelated courses. The senator that said the agency needs to be sanitised, adding that presently, such actions amount to misemployment, considering that the support staff of the agency constitutes about 80 per cent of the workforce.

EndSARS: Nobody died at Lekki, those who claimed they saw corpses have eye problem, says Buratai

The Chief of Army Staff, Lt Gen Tukur Buratai, has insisted that nobody was killed during the #EndSARS protest at Lekki toll gate in Lagos State on October 20. Buratai said those claiming protesters were killed were seeing “double.” Hours before a curfew was scheduled to begin, soldiers had stormed the Lekki toll gate on October 20 where protesters had gathered and started shooting, killing an unconfirmed number of people.

Zamfara: Matawalle calls for prayers in fight against banditry

Gov. Bello Matawalle of Zamfara has called on residents to commence one-week of extensive prayers to seek God’s intervention to end armed banditry and other crimes in the state. “He said that there is need for persistent prayers in order to seek God’s divine intervention.”

COVID-19 palliatives looted from my house were to be distributed on my birthday – SOB Agunbiade, Lagos lawmaker

And for my birthday on 25th October 2020, I have sent out, through my Media Team, notice of my intention to give support to 50 widows who have already been nominated by different groups in a programme christened Widows Mite for Widows and also distribute to some vulnerable and indigent individuals across the three local councils of my constituency, some palliative materials donated by the state and federal governments, as well as myself. Those are the materials stolen from my house yesterday. Alhamdullilah.

Nigerian Army reduces academic requirement to woo more citizens into joining military unit

In the internal memo dated August 20 and signed by Lieutenant General L. O. Adeosun on behalf of the Chief of Army Staff, he lamented that soldiers were reluctant to dedicate themselves to the fight against insurgency and banditry in the country. He said that soldiers preferred to take less risky jobs or further their education in order to avoid being enlisted into battle zones.

Police recruit OPC to guard stations

Everything about security of lives and property of the police officers and men have been sourced out to members of the Oodua People’s Congress (OPC), the Yoruba socio-cultural cum security organisation founded in August 1994… “It is horrible that we are now the target. These were hoodlums and we were not permitted to shoot at them. We had no choice than to beg OPC to help us. But this was after the hoodlums carted away our rifles.”

Hoodlums attack Kaduna NAFDAC office, loot fake, expired drugs

The office of the National Agency for Food, Drug Administration And Control in Kaduna has been attacked by hoodlums who carted away seized fake and expired drugs and beverages, according to a report by Channels TV.

Group files suit to compel el-Rufai to contest presidency in 2023

Speaking with journalists at the weekend, Garkuwa Babuga, national leader of the organisation and zonal vice chairman of the All Progressive Congress(APC), said the group headed to a high court in Kaduna after el- Rufai declined their request to contest the election. Babuga, who said the group has members in 21 states, said the governor is the best candidate based on “his track records of achievements.”

Police invite Rahama Sadau after her racy pictures spark blasphemous comment

The Inspector General of Police Mohammed Adamu has ordered the investigation of a Kannywood actress, Rahama Sadau, after row over blasphemous comments under her pictures. The actress recently shared her some racy pictures on her social media handles, sparking controversy and blasphemous comment on the Holy Prophet Mohammed.

Police arrest two WhatsApp admins of #EndSARS group in Osun

The police in Osun State on Friday arrested two persons for being admins on a WhatsApp group where mobilization for #EndSARS protest was made. The two people arrested are Babawale Popoola and Queen Fisayo Aderemi who are co-conveners of the protest in Osun State. They were rounded up at different locations in Osogbo, the state capital.

CBN accuses #EndSARS campaigners of terrorism

The Federal Government was able to freeze the accounts of 20 #EndSARS campaigners after telling a Federal High Court in Abuja that the funds in their accounts might have been linked to terrorist activities. This is according to a written address in support of a motion ex parte filed by the Central Bank of Nigeria.

Benue imposes curfew over missing “penises”

Caleb Ana, Chairman of Guma Local Government Area of Benue State, has imposed a 12-hour curfew on Daudu community. The decision was necessitated by days of unrest caused by allegations of missing penises. Recall last week, Young men in Daudu town had complained that some male reproductive organs were missing, at an alarming rate. The youth went on rampage after claiming that some of the community member including a pastor was responsible for the act.

Abia state government to sanction workers over ‘dreadlocks, colored hair and indecent dressing’

Abia State civil workforce have been warned that ‘indecent dressing’ would no longer be condoned in the service. The state Head of Service, Onyii Wamah, warned that wearing of dreadlocks, coloured hairdo, etc, would no longer be tolerated. He spoke on Saturday during the 2019 promotions, confirmation and conversion examinations, saying that he has given them up to Monday “to remove them or face disciplinary action”.

Police detain jobless youth for attempted suicide, court grants N200,000 bail

An unemployed man, Solomon Okon, has been in police custody for over a month for allegedly drinking a poisonous substance. It was learnt that the 21-year-old, who was a porter at Havana Hospital, Surulere, Lagos, drank the poisonous substance after receiving a letter terminating his employment.

It makes no sense for petrol to be cheaper in Nigeria than Saudi Arabia, African countries, says Buhari

President Muhammadu Buhari, on Thursday morning said it makes no sense for petrol to be cheaper in Nigeria than Saudi Arabia and some countries in Africa. Addressing Nigerians in his Independence Anniversary speech, the president listed how much some countries in Africa and even Saudi Arabia pay for petrol, saying those countries pay higher for petrol.

FG to ASUU: You can leave teaching for farming, Nigeria needs more farmers

In a development that suggested that there is no imminent end in sight to the industrial action that had grounded Nigerian public universities‎, the Federal Government has told members of the Academic Staff Union of Universities to leave the lecturing job for farming, if they are no longer interested in the teaching profession.

Obaseki asks prison escapees to return to prison by Friday or face the wrath of the law

Governor Godwin Obaseki of Edo State has asked all prisoners, who escaped from the Benin Medium Security Correctional Centre and Oko Medium Security Correctional Centre to voluntarily return before the state government goes after them.

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