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Satire 0-1 News: Well-behaved inmate, peace deal with bandits, and other stories

Satire 0-1 News: Well-behaved inmate, peace deal with bandits, and other stories

Facts are oftentimes stranger than fiction just as news is oftentimes more hilarious than satire. We live in a world (or country?) where journalists have, without intending it, become greater comedians than professional humorists. Don’t believe us? Keep reading.

They betrayed us’ — Katsina pulls out of peace deal with bandits

The governor said the bandits have continued to carry out attacks with their accomplices from Zamfara, Kaduna and Niger Republic which have led to “indiscriminate killings” in the state. “The armed bandits have betrayed our trust in them, following a peace agreement earlier negotiated with them, in our quest to find a lasting peace in the state,” he was quoted as saying. ”We chose dialogue for peaceful coexistence in the state and we have done our best; yet, the attacks continue.

Job creation: Buhari’s govt has outperformed its projection – Keyamo

He said when all indices are taken into consideration, the present government since it came into power in 2015, has done better in the area of job creation than it had projected. “Absolutely,” he said when asked if the Buhari government has done well in its job creation drive. “If you take all the indices into consideration, I think this present administration has outperformed what the projection should have been.”

Coronavirus: We donated two months salary against our wish — Rep member

When asked by the presenter to confirm if he said they were coerced into the donation, the lawmaker affirmed his earlier statement. “Yes, we donated the salaries because of the progress of Nigeria but I’m assuring you, most of us were not happy about it, that’s the truth. “It’s Just the way you see workers not happy about salary deductions without their consent.”

Orji Kalu was well-behaved in prison – NCoS

When asked about Kalu’s six-month stay in prison, Njoku described him as “a well-behaved inmate; he did not give us any trouble at all.” Kalu was jailed for 12 years on December 5, 2019, after he was convicted of N7.1bn fraud alongside his firm, Slok Nigeria Ltd., and a former Director of Finance in Abia State, Jones Udeogu. The Supreme Court, however, nullified the convictions on May 8 on the grounds that the judge who presided over the case lacked jurisdiction.

‘Churches can’t open but people can go to markets’ — Oyedepo kicks against lockdown

“The voice of darkness is influencing people at various levels, targeting the church because the growth and expansion of the church is the greatest headache of the devil. But the gates of hell shall not prevail against it. The devil and all his agents shall surely pay for this. I don’t know what hospital that records the kind of healing that the church of God records. And now hospitals, where people die every day, are open, but the church is closed because the oppression of the devil has no medical cure.”

Open churches let’s heal COVID-19 patients – Pastor Giwa tells Buhari

“They brought to Jesus all who were sick, afflicted with various diseases and torments, possessed with demons, epileptics, and paralytics; and he healed them, according to Matthew 4:24. If there is nothing that the government is hiding, let them reopen the churches and bring the victims to the house of God. I know the God whom I serve, and I strongly believe that He is able to heal all diseases. I took up this Ministry with pure conscience.”

Bashir Ahmad says Second Niger Bridge will be Buhari’s gift to Nigerians

Ahmad in a tweet on Sunday, May 17, stated that the Second Niger Bridge after its completion will be a gift that will keep the Buhari’s administration in the minds of Nigerians for a long time. His comments, however, drew some criticisms from some Nigerians who faulted his narrative on the grounds that the money used for the project was paid by taxpayers.

MURIC: Giving palliatives to imams, pastors will end agitation to reopen worship centres

Akintola said the realities of the Nigerian economy call for government’s attention ”particularly as they affect keepers of the house of God”. “MURIC therefore advises the various state governments to speedily devise means of getting special palliatives to the clerics in the churches and mosques. “They deserve attention at this crucial moment because they have nowhere to go. They should not be turned to beggars. They have served the government at various times. They should not be abandoned in their hour of need.

MURIC says Kano deaths could be a plot to decimate Muslim population

Akintola alleged that the reaction of the NCDC to the deaths in the state suggests that there is a deliberate attempt at debilitating the northern population. “Is this a deliberate attempt at debilitating Northern population with its attendant impact on Muslim majority population in the country? He demanded for an inquiry into the circumstances surrounding the alleged closure of NCDC office in Kano state as well as the lack of testing centres in the whole north.

Okotie opposes social distancing in churches, slams CAN

Okotie also condemned CAN’s proposed recommendation of distancing in the seating arrangement in churches as “blasphemous infidelity” and desecration of the Church of Jesus Christ. The pastor explained that extending social distancing to churches would compel reordering of seating arrangements and determine the size of congregational worship per service. Okotie argued that to accept such an arrangement was “to nullify the redemptive work of Jesus, which involves healing.”

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The only thing you need to know about me is I speak the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth ―― well, except when writing.

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Chinwendum Moghalu
Chinwendum Moghalu
3 years ago

These are hilarious and yet thought-provoking to an extent that it makes one gloomy and ready to let out a tear and some more for the ugly situation that our Nigerian polity is in.

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