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Satire 0-1 News: Ganduje fighting corruption, Diezani scolding fraudsters, and other stories

Satire 0-1 News: Ganduje fighting corruption, Diezani scolding fraudsters, and other stories

Facts are oftentimes stranger than fiction just as news is oftentimes more hilarious than satire. We live in a world (or country?) where journalists have, without intending it, become greater comedians than professional humorists. Don’t believe us? Keep reading.

We have failed the country, we must ask forgiveness from God – Ortom

He disclosed this during the International Youth celebration held at new banquet hall, Makurdi. His words: “Let me say here that the leaders in this country have failed, me inclusive. It Is a big shame to us leaders, we must ask for forgiveness from God. And I implore you that you shouldn’t take after us. Greed is a big challenge. The path we are toying is the wrong one for us. There is a challenge. “The rule of law is selective, there are sacred cows that cannot be touched, even if they do bad things, they cannot be touched.

Law school paid cleaner N32m/year –Auditor General

The 2015 Financial Report of the office is currently being scrutinised by the Senate Public Accounts Committee for investigation. The report said the management of the Nigerian Law School illegally paid N32m to the account of an unnamed cleaner over a period of 12 months. The Auditor-General report also queried the payment of N36m as dressing allowance of 52 workers to the account of a single member of staff in violation of Nigeria’s Financial Act.

‘You will be punished if you insult, President, Governors, Senators, others in Nigeria’

His words: “Monitoring activities indicate that in the recent time, some broadcast stations have abdicated their editorial responsibilities such that guests and callers on programmes abuse and insult leaders and those in authority freely and without caution. “To denigrate our elders and leaders in abusive terms is not our culture. We respect our leaders as a positive cultural value. “We expect Broadcasters, especially anchors to show professionalism in the handling of programmes such that guest or callers that exhibit such tendency are professionally handled.

Ganduje: I’m committed to the fight against corruption

Ganduje, who said his administration is committed to the fight against corruption, urged the commission not to compromise in the anti-graft war. “Whosoever falls into the commission’s trap should face the consequence. I will have nothing to do with it. I will not interfere with any case whosoever might be involved,” he said. In 2018, videos of Ganduje collecting kickback from contractors went viral. The videos published by Daily Nigerian, an online newspaper, showed the governor receiving bundles of dollars and stuffing them inside his pocket.

Police rescue soldiers from Boko Haram after attack in Borno

The Nigeria Police Counter-terrorism operatives have rescued two soldiers earlier abducted by Boko Haram fighters in Borno State. PRNigeria gathered that the terrorists had killed some security personnel and abducted others after an attack on soldiers on a patrol. This comes after Nigerian troops repelled an attempt by terrorists to seize an army barrack in Maiduguri on Monday. 

UK won’t pay you hazard allowance, FG tells doctors planning to migrate

Ehanire said, “I think we are one of the few countries giving hazard allowance. This UK where they are going, there is no hazard allowance, they don’t give doctors hazard allowance but you just get you salary, that is all because I have spoken to the doctors there. They say it is part of your job and that is what you are trained for. They don’t pay you anything but here apart from your salary we try to add something to it with the hope that you will stay.”

Ex-convict James Ibori, who spent years in UK jail for corruption and looting, rewarded in Nigeria as patron of ‘Former Governors Forum’

The letter reads partly, “In line with the provisions of the Former Governors Forum and based on the unanimous decision of the Executive Committee of the Forum, we convey to you your appointment as Patron of the Forum. The Forum recognises your role not only as a former governor but equally as a respected elder statesman with passion for the promotion of unity in Nigeria, which is the major objective of the Forum. In addition, your role as Patron will be invaluable in the development of good leadership qualities among emerging leaders in Nigeria.”

Probing loans taken by Nigerian govt can scare away investors – Amaechi

The ongoing investigations of loans taken by the Federal Government could send the wrong signal to the lenders, the Minister of Transportation, Rotimi Amechi has said. Mr Amaechi made the observation at an investigative hearing organised by the House of Representatives Committee on Treaties, Protocols and Agreements in Abuja. He said the investigation could cause foreign partners to withdraw such loan facilities which would have a negative effect on Nigeria’s infrastructural development.

Ganduje emerges ‘Best Performing Gov’ in fight against COVID-19

An African group of professionals called African Professionals Renaissance Network, (APREN), based in Dakar, Senegal, has selected Kano State Governor, Abdullahi Umar Ganduje as the Best Performing Governor in Nigeria, in the fight against COVID-19. In a letter sent to the Governor by the group’s Secretary General, Diouf Bakri Koalack, the group commended Governor Ganduje’s effort in the fight against the global pandemic.

Ganduje gets ‘Best Governor’ award

“Barely 24 hours after the traditional 100 days in office for governors who were inaugurated on May 29, an African group of democrats under the auspices of African Democracy Assessment Network (ADAN), has selected Kano State governor, Dr Abdullahi Ganduje, for an award. “After assessing what was achieved by all the governors in the last 100 days of their stewardship, Kano state governor, Dr Abdullahi Umar Ganduje, has been selected by the Group to be awarded “Best Governor In 100 Days,” he said.

Accept repentant Boko Haram fighters or they go back to terrorism, presidency urges Nigerians

“Where they’re certified as such, communities have the duty of accepting them. Unless they want them to take up arms and resume terrorism from which they’ve repented, community leaders must work with the relevant agencies to end their rejection,” Shehu said in the statement.

Diezani: ‘Yahoo Yahoo boys are a tragedy for our nation’

“The ones that have swag, the Yahoo Yahoo boys as my son would say; these in short, are the role models they are looking at. These are the ones that reinforce negative societal norms and values,” Alison-Madueke pontificated. Alison-Madueke, 59, fled Nigeria for the U.K as soon as Jonathan lost the 2015 election to Muhammadu Buhari. Among other acts of corruption, the former minister has been accused of fraudulent ownership of 76 luxurious properties in Lagos, Abuja and Port Harcourt, valued at N23 billion. 14 charges bordering on theft and concealment to the tune of $153 million, have been filed against her by the EFCC.

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