‘Have your President call my President’ | Sonala Olumhense
“Those are just rumours, Excellency. Many of them are our friends, and they have told us they never did any such thing. It is just like Sani Abacha; he never looted anyone, that is just a name. But believe me, if you send us the ventilators, we will soon be curving the flat all over Nigeria.”
With love from a Nigerian: Open letter to Buhari’s new Chief of Staff
Dear Sir, Being the sharpshooter (that misses most times), that I am, I like to (and would) hit my target without much ado. I listened with rapt attention as my…
From soccer to liquor: Taraba’s terrific approach to handling the coronavirus
It is no surprise that the incredibly strong compliance with the measures put in place by the government to curb the spread of the COVID-19 pandemic has gone unnoticed, unpublicised and, as expected, un-lauded. It is my intention to cast light on same and to perhaps inspire other states to follow suit in what will most likely go on to be dubbed the “Taraba Example”.
Nigeria: A satire | John Chizoba Vincent
We are taking count of dead bodies in the streets. Those are the result of well-fed people. Those that saw a surplus of food and decided to kill themselves with it. Don’t mind them. Those dead bodies by our doorsteps are just fools who thought too much wine won’t harm them. The wine you brought for them to celebrate your already won 2019 election, they drank before the party started and killed themselves. Remember your Excellency that when a child that doesn’t know how to make money gets money from his father, he can’t control himself anymore.
Open letter: A courageous Almajiri queries President Buhari
I am sure that you are aware that your state governors have found us a nuisance to be decisively dealt with. We have suddenly become unfit to remain in those states. Since cattle business no longer thrives at the moment, trailers used in conveying cattle are now being used to farm us out of the respective states. After all, we are regarded as being only a bit better than maalu.
Nigeria records new case of COVIDIOT, total now 11
A former presidential hopeful, Garba Adamu, has been added to the list of COVIDIOTS in the country. Mr Adamu has now joined ten others, mostly political and religious leaders, who…
Nigeria Airways of blessed memory
The causes of his death are still very much prevalent, but in a more toxic form, yet, they were planning to resurrect him again. They said Nigeria Airways will fly by December 2019. I guess they’ve used it’s wings as collateral for one of those loans they intend to collect. Or they’re not aware it’s already 2020. Iranu yii sha!
A tale of two presidents and two celebrities
If my tale conveys little or no sense to you, please pardon and bear with me. It is the sign of the end times that we live in — dubbed the 5G and COVID-19 age. Nothing is making sense again as common sense has contracted the coronavirus pandemic in Nigeria from a Chinese contractor, upon reporting at the facility that treats the disease, he was sent home for lack of bed space.
The masses thank God for Kobik One-Nine
The visitor has proven to be very respectful. Upon arrival, it chose to visit the elite, the movers and shakers of our national life. It is even rumoured that the mischievous fellow visited our real president and not the continental import from that vast savannah of Sudan.
Coronavirus: Critics ask why Nigeria ranks behind 80 other countries, blame Buhari
“There is a reason some diseases are called diseases of affluence,” he said. “Nigerians deserve better than diseases of poverty like Lassa fever and Malaria. We should be quick to replace them with Western afflictions like coronavirus, cancer, obesity, and hypertension. That’s not too much to ask, is it?”