Dear Sir,

Being the sharpshooter (that misses most times), that I am, I like to (and would) hit my target without much ado. I listened with rapt attention as my Short Wave transistor spouted out news of your appointment as the new Chief of Staff of a regime that is regarded as the best thing to have happened to Nigeria since the divinely sanctioned coup that ousted the much-beloved frugal emperor of Nigeria from Kano.

It is under this regime that Nigerians stopped shouting “Up NEPA” on every occasion that electricity is restored to homes because Uninterrupted Power Supply with the aid of generators is now the real deal. Nigeria moved from being the world’s poverty capital to a country where people can no longer spell p o v e r t y as they’ve become unable to conceptualise what it means to be poor.

I need not tell you that this country is the highest ranking financial donor in the world. USA, China, Germany, UK, et al are now at the mercy of the alms our benevolent arms can extend to them. We enjoy a paradise-like tranquility even though once in a while remnants of the technically defeated Boko Haram use our people for their killing-practice.

The world’s number one democracy has sent its brightest minds to learn our widely acclaimed “Art of Governance: Naija Model”.  As it is now, America-first trumpeting Trump is learning democracy, good governance, infrastructural development, poverty alleviation, and protection of human rights from us.

I wish I could congratulate you but my admirable immaculate conscience that is sometimes tinted with hues of vices – vices of hatred for politicians and self-made millionaires, laziness and jealousy, bigotry and intolerance,  alcoholism and drug-abuse, bribery and corruption, and so on – won’t just let me. So, in place of “congratulations”, permit me to tuale you with seventy-five rugged “wehdon(s) sah!”

Just so it sinks, I like to articulate, albeit very briefly, the feather-weight yoke of the office that you have burdened yourself with. By virtue of your new office sir, you are the de facto President of the Federal Republic of Nigeria – a country that is too big and too populated to be governed by one president, be he a retired Nigerian Army General and former Head of State.

By virtue of your appointment, you are also the Indabsoki Bahose of the cabal that makes a puppet of the president and accounts solely for the unprecedented progresses that are now dotting the developmental landscape of our national life. You know too well that your revered and esteemed principal – so esteemed that the masses ushered him to power with a utility bill instead of the basic academic qualification – is God-sent and infallible in the eyes of the masses. Like Abba Kyari, you have to shoulder the blame for your principal’s perceived ef-ups in governance.

As the new Chief of Staff, you must uphold the legacy of your predecessor. Your predecessor was the doorkeeper of the president and was able to exhibit his expertise as a grandmaster in Monopoly, by monopolising access to His Excellency. His legendary feat was so great that he got His Excellency to relegate Her Excellency to the kitchen and za oza rooms of the villa.

I must, in words that are clear as crystal, warn you not to decline any overt transfer of power to you by Mr President, whenever he wants to embark on one of his endless foreign trips that underscore his foreign policy. We do know that in the spiritual realm, the office of the Vice President was abolished during the rancour between Baba Iyabo and his number two (and as it was then, so has it been ever since and so shall it continue to be). What we have is a silhouette of that office. I also need not tell you that the spiritual supersedes the temporal. Besides, what can a non-northerner bring to the table that can aid Nigeria’s development? I hear the Yorubas have joined the Igbos in clamouring for secession. Don’t let them clog the wheel of the smooth-running of this country.

So, aside from being the de facto president, you are the de facto VP and primus to all ministers in His Excellency’s cabinet. Like Jesus, you are the conduit of their supplications and entreaties to the president and so shall you remain. May it not be said that it was in your time that the president died as a result of being overwhelmed by his official functions.

 If you will not pay heed to all I have written so far, for your sake and that of your posterity, I implore you to take to heart all that I am about to say now.

Power is the principal thing in life. In all your acquisitions, acquire power by either hook or crook. Disregard those misguided and misinformed political scientists who claim power possesses some corrosive elements. The more power you have, the more divine you become. Death will keep a distance from you. Even if your acquired powers are not able to transform you to a god, rest assured that, at your death, Nigerians will polish you and canonise you a saint – martyred by the great corruption that is Nigeria.

Ensure that your principal does not take the right step in solving the problems besetting the country. After all, are Nigerians not corrupt? Corruption is wickedness. Did the Holy Writ not state that the wicked will not thrive in the land?

According to the BBC (Beer-parlour Broadcasting Corporation), Nigeria ranked #1 in terms of corruption and insecurity under Jones Arogbofa. The same source revealed that we became the World’s Poverty Capital under Abba Kyari. It is my prayer that you soar above the enviable efforts of your predecessors.  

Rumours have it that you have started on a very hot note, long may your chimney continue to smoke. Once again, wehdone sah!

I thank you, most sincerely, for taking out time from your busy schedules to read this letter. I assure you that I shall not hesitate to intimate you on anything that would make your stewardship excellent. You have my utmost regards.

With love and patriotism, I remain

Sincerely yours,

Wa Zo Bia.

(Concerned Nigerian)