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Lamentations of an Egbere

The many ways Nigerians are having a Merry Christmas in 2020

The many ways Nigerians are having a Merry Christmas in 2020

Jingle the bells, t’is the season to merry! Christmas is here again! It is that famous season when we love to massacre cows, exterminate goats and deplete the population of poultries.  It is the season where we live more than our means for few days and duel with our creditors in the middle of January and beyond.

This year’s celebration is one that Nigerians can never forget. It promises to be the Christmas of all Christmases – thus surpassing that most solemn night when the Son of the Most High took flesh and became our friend and brother. 2020’s would be the merriest of this holy day. Despite the troubles of 2020, this will be the first time in the history of the country that every Nigerian will enjoy a truly merry Christmas.

This year’s food production has been the best in our history and is second to no other country of the world. Our barns are not able to contain the fruits of our farmers’ labours. Like that rich man in Jesus’ parable, our minds are set on how to demolish the old barns and build bigger ones. In 2021, we don’t have to bother about farming, we will rather say to our souls: we have acquired this much by our efforts and those of our leaders, therefore our bodies should relax and make merry.

So great is our food production that we have to put ourselves on the special diet of garri in the morning, afternoon and evening in the southern divide of the country while our northern brethren are revelling in the consumption of tuwo da miyan kuka thrice a day. We have to settle for small morsels of our special foods so we don’t offend God by allowing gluttony have the better of us. The Nutrition and Dietetics section of our hospitals have closed as cases of kwashiokor, beriberi and their likes have ceased to exist due to the surplus of food we have in our barns and the quality in which we ingest them.

Overzealous farmers who want to cultivate more than we could ever need were mandated to get written approval from the government before going to their farms. Failure to do so is a capital offence punishable with slaughtering in the hands of the ranks and files of the lords of our most beloved park, the Sambisa Forest. No Nigerian has offended that directive and it is no surprise that Boko Haram is yet to mete out the punishment to anyone.

The matter of food aside, the road that leads home this yuletide is like never before. Gone are the days when Nigerians perish on their way home and instead of getting to their temporal homes on earth, they transit to the permanent home of humanity – below the soil. The road home is devoid of potholes, bumps and debris. It is like that proverbial broad road that leads to destruction but unlike that road its smoothness will lead you the loving arms of your loved ones.

Admittedly, there are times when our roads will take you on an excursion into the arms of bandits and kidnappers who want to make small change on top your head. It is not bad in the sense that our economy tends to grow when there is enough money changing hands not minding if the manner of the money changing hands is legal or otherwise. My only fault with them is the fact that they don’t write to seek and obtain one’s consent before rerouting one’s journey.

It is beyond reproach that many of our compatriots will have to settle for a Christmas in the hands of their abductors. Kidnappers are not that mean. They are humans like me and you. I’m sure they will find a way of organising wan kain smol jolifikeshun for their wards. Elvis Presley, Richie Valens, Michael Jackson and Dagrin may be quickened to perform some of their famous hits from their days on earth. They may even call CNN and Channels to cover the event. There will be no need sparing a thought or two for them. We all know that they will either emerge with stories to tell or precede us to the place where there is peace and happiness in abundance. Either way, we are no match for them experience wise.

Those in camps for Internally Displaced Persons shall revel in the light and joy of Christmas. They will clad themselves in the rags that more fortunate Nigerians can spare them instead of new ones gotten with their hard earned Naira. For their meals, they have to trust only in God’s providence like the sparrows of the sky that neither toil nor gather. Young girls in the camps would perfect the bliss of the season for angry and sex-starved men in uniform in an acceptable Clash of the Thighs.

Workers who are yet to get remunerated for their efforts especially at Local Government level won’t be left out of this year’s merriment. Jehovah Jireh, the God that provides shall provide for them according to his riches in glory. They shall possess the ability to command stones to transform to Agege bread and well water into fine red wine. In fact, it is the glory of the Lord that will clothe their children this Christmas all the while as those who are supposed to pay them, but have refused to, are running naked on the streets like mad people.

Prisoners should expect only divine visitation this season. God has always been on the side of the oppressed, marginalised, abandoned and neglected. God will not send Gabriel to their Nazareth this Yule, God will visit them in the full majestic splendour of his Trinitarian blessedness and bequeath to them the beatific blessing that surpasses every other thing and human understanding. Who needs the government to cater for them this season when God is willing to do more than the government could ever do?

Those that have been killed by Nigeria have cause to merry this Christmas. Although they are not in this realm to share this precious moment with us, nonetheless our customary display of joy in suffering would give them joy too. And if we are not thankful and won’t praise God for the pride and blessing of being Nigerian this Christmas, God will animate their decomposed bodies to worship him.

2020 may have been a trying year for the whole world. Not for Nigerians. We have everything working for our good. 2020 Christmas is a truly merry one for Nigerians. May this be the first of many more to come.

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is a Jalingo-based rookie lawyer. His preoccupation is meeting the needs of his clients. When that gets boring, he unwinds by writing. He is not a writer but on the few occasions that he is, he attempts giving sinews to the bones of his thoughts.

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