… where sa-tyres never go flat

From Our AlliesLamentations of an Egbere

A tale of two presidents and two celebrities

A tale of two presidents and two celebrities

By: Godswill Elisha

It is the best of times — the age of Nigeria’s anti-corruption campaign. It is the season that Foolishness and Wisdom walked down the aisle. It is the season of 5G technology and the thousand and one conspiracy theories regarding it. It is the season where professors of Science receive science lessons from televangelists. It is said to be the dawn of a New World Order.

If my tale conveys little or no sense to you, please pardon and bear with me. It is the sign of the end times that we live in — dubbed the 5G and COVID-19 age. Nothing is making sense again as common sense has contracted the coronavirus pandemic in Nigeria from a Chinese contractor, upon reporting at the facility that treats the disease, he was sent home for lack of bed space.

There was a frasidant that died, replaced by a clone from a Savannah and placed on the presidential seat of the country that ranks as the world’s poverty capital; with a first lady who by the words of the frasident is only good for the kitchen and the other room.  In the country that lies to the North-East of the poverty capital of the world rules a president. A rebel leader who stole power and has managed to hang on to it for years despite several attempts to take it away from him (long may his egungun continue to keep away from the express).

The story making front pages of tabloids and rendered as worship songs in the street is that while the Grand Commander of the Armed Forces of the Federal Republic ( of Nigeria?)  is bragging about having technically defeated Boko Haram over and over again and killing Abubakar Shekau again and again, the former rebel from small Chad is taking the battle to the terrorists in their hideouts and recording victory upon victory (not technical victories).

The masses of the Northeast constituency have been heard singing,

“Sing O my soul, with all the strength that you have

Let’s sing in praise of Chad’s gallant men of war

Bubu’s sozas kill in tens and most times only technically

L’rebelle’s boys kill in thousands and so it is, truthfully”

It is on record that our leader from Chad led the onslaught against Boko Haram alongside his son. This has led to questions regarding what the product of the venture in the other room between the Frasidant and the First lady has been up to since his recovery from an accident on a power bike worth the yearly budget of some countries that their names are hard to pronounce.

In his defense, Alaye Lie-nus Muhammadu, a minister in the cabinet of the incumbent regime who is known for disseminating alternate truths, made it clear that this country cannot afford to bury a member of the first family as it will batter our economy as did the sixteen years of FDF rule. He stated further, that being a patriotic Nigerian, the first son is busy observing the rules of hygiene, social-distancing and self-isolation as encouraged by the government.    

 In another development, it has been reported that the Anthony-General of Las Gidi (not to be confused with the learned Attorney-General of Lagos State) proved to Nigeria’s only famous and foremost biz gal Funky Akin-Day-Lay (I did not say Funke Akindele) that he is a bigger celebrity than she could ever be.

Immediately after securing her conviction for desecrating the directive of the Governor on social-distancing, he appeared before a pack of gossip-hungry media personnel outnumbering the number that attended the party that Funky was convicted for that morning.

Who remembers the good boy of Italian football, Mario Balotelli? So said he, “Different strokes for different folks.” Mario’s words capture aptly the situation that played out between Funky and A-G Las Gidi. I hope the egungun that is making him address such a crowd in this trying time will not lead him to the express. An alagba once admonished me that “the egungun that tries too hard to outclass his colleague in dance steps will soon expose his yansh on the express road.”

GODSWILL GWANZWANG ELISHA is a Jalingo-based rookie lawyer. His preoccupation is meeting the needs of his clients. When that gets boring, he unwinds by writing. He is not a writer but on the few occasions that he is, he attempts giving sinews to the bones of his thoughts. Email: willofgod.godswill@gmail.com Facebook: facebook.com/gebyt1

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