This piece originally appeared in Tuck Magazine and was published in September, 2018.
I don’t know why Nigeria is this good these days. I don’t know why no one is complaining of hunger and pain. We no longer see dead bodies littered in our streets and there is no sound of Boko Haram again. I don’t know why the masses won’t suffer a little. The leaders are so kind that they have made everything precious and beautiful to everyone. No one is meant to suffer in Nigeria again.
His Excellency is working very hard to make sure that every mouth sees food to eat and every eye sees good things from the atmosphere of this country and puts a smile on every face. This land must bring good tidings to all without feeble twisted fingers and a frail body that will tell the other world of our sins. He has commanded that all the political leaders must abstain from corruption, else, he will deal with them in his own way. Yes, His excellency has really pulled down the stronghold of this country and fought corruption heavily. I wonder why you won’t vote for him come the next election…
You know my pen is not dancing to its stupidity. You know it is saying the truth from the button of its bleeding ink. You know what it means to come from a flourishing country like Nigeria where everything is flowing perfectly. We have nothing to worry about. Yes, the tap is opened for everyone to come and fetch water and go. The leaders are serving the masses daily. When a father blesses his children, the children in return pay homage to him. My conscience has told me to write this to his Excellency for a work well done. He has really restructured this country and built a legacy that will last a lifetime. The masses insist that I write him this epistle. He has proven himself beyond reasonable doubt.
Yes! Your people told me to write this to you. Even the ones you gave birth to and those you didn’t. Even those that voted for you in the election and those that didn’t. His Excellency, the country and the masses are much happier with you and recommend you go for a second term.
We are taking count of dead bodies in the streets. Those are the result of well-fed people. Those that saw a surplus of food and decided to kill themselves with it. Don’t mind them. Those dead bodies by our doorsteps are just fools who thought too much wine won’t harm them. The wine you brought for them to celebrate your already won 2019 election, they drank before the party started and killed themselves. Remember your Excellency that when a child that doesn’t know how to make money gets money from his father, he can’t control himself anymore.
And you see those whom your brothers sacrificed for their wonderful cattle, they are just fools this country needed to get rid of. How could they be competing with the number one citizens of this country? Those who lay helpless by the roadside as a result of their excitement for the smoothness of the roads you constructed for us; while the ones that travelled to the other world by our political shoes did so due to their greed and selfishness. Don’t mind them, yes, don’t mind them. Many of them are corrupt and selfish to themselves harvesting from where they did not sow. Yes! Your Excellency, they overfed and travelled to paradise so they could tell those over there of your kindness.
I wonder why the youths have refused to work anymore, the electricity being supplied to them is making them too lazy. Why would a grown man stay at home to watch Telemundo while their leaders are in the road working for the country? Why?
I think you will read this with joy Your Excellency; this will definitely make your intestines swim in joy in your stomach: We received the money you promised us during the 2015 election. Everyone is happy with your doings. We are very happy you are doing us great. In fact, someone hung himself yesterday because of the excitement in the country. And the other person fell into the Third Mainland Bridge because she was so happy with the smooth running of your government.
Our schools are too beautiful for our children to go now. Some of them have decided to sit outside in the open field to learn in order not to dirty the classrooms. And the teachers are well fed these days with wheat and egusi soup. Even the school children are enjoying the three square meals you send to them daily. We won’t let you down your Excellency come 2019. We will gather all our animals to vote for you, yes, both our cattle, goats, fowls; we will gather them because you are the best we’ve ever seen. Don’t mind anyone that criticises your leadership, we are all humans, you can’t please all of us at the same time. You can’t make everybody feel happy at the same time. If there is trust, water won’t be cooking fish. We are all doing fine, my good man.
We’ll vacate our houses soonest just to contribute our own quota for the cattle colony, just to make things easier and better for all of us. We are your subjects and ready to obey you at our own cost. We will be evil masses if we don’t allow the cattle to enjoy the warmth of our precious bed. We must allow them to enjoy our home so that the conversation between them and their rearers could be a great one. We’ll leave our house for them to enjoy as we endure the cosy cold in the forest of life.
Let me ask more from my brothers and sisters what they think about you and I shall return later with more testimonies because this is not the kind of thing we live only for ourself, we need to share it with others.
John Chizoba Vincent is a cinematographer, filmmaker, music video director, poet and a writer. A graduate of mass communication, he believes in life and the substances that life is made of. He has three books published to his credit which includes Hard Times, Good Mama, Letter from Home. For boys of tomorrow is his first offering to poetry. He lives in Lagos.