A compact list on how to be a Covidiot
To be a Covidiot in this Corona-maniac period is a smart and enviable thing to be. Trust me; it is what the who-is-who in the country are aiming for, so why don’t you beat them to the game?
When the devil himself holds a masterclass on how to make heaven
More than any country, God has blessed us with Devils of different versions, enough to last us till the end of time. From government devils to business to science to religion, and our devils are never tired of preaching how to make it to heaven. Brothers and sisters, aren’t we verily blessed?
Nigeria: A satire | John Chizoba Vincent
We are taking count of dead bodies in the streets. Those are the result of well-fed people. Those that saw a surplus of food and decided to kill themselves with it. Don’t mind them. Those dead bodies by our doorsteps are just fools who thought too much wine won’t harm them. The wine you brought for them to celebrate your already won 2019 election, they drank before the party started and killed themselves. Remember your Excellency that when a child that doesn’t know how to make money gets money from his father, he can’t control himself anymore.
Kano launches first Centre for Covidiocy and Intervirus Relations
It will be recalled that the state’s youth had earlier made a call to the Kano government to create a safe space for covidiots in Nigeria. They even went on to make online protests through videos where they washed their hands into bowls and drank the water to show their allegiance to covidiocy. The state government, as one that listens to its people and makes sure to satisfy their needs in every way and manner, finally decided to grant this special request.
Dear single ladies | Bibian Chinenye Pius-Urum
If you’re visiting a place, do not stay in a hotel. Look for anybody there, preferably a fellow girl, that you can stay in her house. Don’t spend your money in such immoral places. Do you even know what the bed you want to sleep on was used for?
Deaths in the city: What’s gwan inna this our Kano?
When COVID-19 stepped on the much-chronicled city of Kano, inhabitants treated it like any other Chinese export or visitor. A troupe of traditional singers and dancers was sent to welcome it amidst jubilation and fanfare. No kobo was spent from the state’s coffers; they have Gandollar’s dollars to thank for that. A novelty football game tagged “Corona Match” was held in honour of the guest of honour. There, Social-Distancing and Stay-Home orders were defiled before, during, and after the game.
Good lawd, how should we mourn our leaders?
The Holy Book, The Glorious Book and the divine inscriptions indelibly etched in the minds of our elders have unanimously called us to mourn the dead alongside their families and to give them befitting burials. But what if the said leader is a Nigerian (leader)? – A name more corrupt than corruption itself. How should we mourn them?
‘Why do good people die young?’… Heartbroken Nigerians mourn Kyari’s death on Twitter
It all started with Tife (@tife_fabunmi) who said he still cannot believe the great man is no more and has not been able to close the tap of his tears. “Why do good people die young?” the young man asked, overwhelmed with grief and extreme love for his country.
How to die well in Nigeria
To die well in Nigeria, you need to have lived an infamous life. And, to achieve this, first be a politician or hold a public office. Do not be a public or civil servant as the office may imply but endeavour to rule rather than serve. For rulership is for the strong, while service is for the weak and gullible. Make sure abuse sets in, trample on the poor, and lie to them.
How to sell Nigeria
You’ve probably thought about how to sell this country a couple of times. Well, you’re not alone. Rest assured that thousands of other people have been waiting for advice on how to go about this transaction.