Prophet Gates, rape as a weapon and other matters | Tunde Asaju
All over the world, Covid-19 is granting advance tickets to showing the end of all humanity and it looks like nothing envisaged while writing wills. That blockbuster is forcing the wealthy to embrace philanthropy and the poor to seek God early.
The subtle art of begging
The Nigerian Ministry of Finance, being a pace-setter, has taken advantage of the Udemy free online course to earn a certificate in Content-Begging and Fund Solicitation. These are some of top in-demand skills in the world right now.
Lockdown: SARS officials hit rock bottom, to start door-to-door ‘anti-crime’ visits
Salami said the officials have recently received valuable intelligence about a group of cyber-fraudsters in Lagos known as Sinzu, Spending, and Jacuzzi, and plans to pay them a visit in the first phase of its operation. “But, you know, we don’t want to disclose too much about that mission so as not to sabotage it,” he added, with a broad grin.
The masses thank God for Kobik One-Nine
The visitor has proven to be very respectful. Upon arrival, it chose to visit the elite, the movers and shakers of our national life. It is even rumoured that the mischievous fellow visited our real president and not the continental import from that vast savannah of Sudan.
Baba God, we’re grateful coronavirus met us prepared
The power of prayer and gratitude can never be overemphasised, especially in Nigeria. So, Heavenly Father, we bless you for your protection over us, for opening our eyes to institute health facilities in core places prior to this pandemic, for the steps we have taken in combating this corruption-borne virus, for granting us strong immune systems, and for our foresight in writing a letter to the National Assembly about strict compliance to rules. Baba! We’re forever grateful.
T.B. Josh blames unfulfilled prophecy on shutdown, self-isolating angels
“Also, you have to understand that the few supplications that were made could not be delivered to Heaven’s post office for two reasons. One, the airports are on partial shutdown and only medical supplies are currently being admitted up there. Second, I’ve been told most of the Angels are currently self-isolating. Only those performing essential services such as carrying the Almighty’s throne and singing his praises are still working.”
Covid-19: Nigerians hoard empathy, urge infected politicians to locate ‘nearest transformers’
“We, in fact, urge all Nigerian politicians whom the universe has favoured in the ongoing matchmaking with coronavirus to locate the nearest transformers for their empathy,” he concluded, adding that they should remember not to touch anyone on their way to the deadly electrical devices.
May Nigeria never happen to you: The Kopid One-Nine chapter
But the urgency of the matters at hand won’t allow me to dive into how the name ‘Nigeria’ was painfully coined because we are now at that point where we can’t establish who is presiding over the country between President Naira Marley – the ever-active Twitter tormentor, Abba Kyari – the Irunmole that eats kilishi and signs presidential letters, and General Muhammadu Buhari – the ever-smiling gentleman who introduced Kopid One-Nine Pirus without talking.
The blood of Jesus is my sanitiser
“Public places? Make I no go market again? What of all the contacts I’m forced to make in the market? So I should keep washing my hands when there are many customers?”
A blind date with coronavirus | Jude Idada
There is a vague feeling of apprehension, but not fear, so you soldier on because there is also hope. Hope that it will all blow over soon. After all, they said, it doesn’t affect black people. They also said Africa is too hot for the virus. They also said something about chloroquine being the magic drug for it.
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