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When the devil himself holds a masterclass on how to make heaven

When the devil himself holds a masterclass on how to make heaven

The bible tells us that the devil was once an angel. In fact, he was the head prefect before he eff-ed up, fell out of God’s grace, and was cast out of heaven into the pit of hell. It was also categorically portrayed in the late ’90s Mount Zion movie “Ishawuru” that the devil knows the bible like the back of its palm and there is nobody on earth who can match its biblical knowledge. So how dare we to question the know-how of the devil anytime he decides to hold a master class on how to make heaven?

With all the biblical evidence, we can conclude that it’s not only rude to question the authenticity of the Devil’s scriptural dexterity but also a punishable offence. Nigeria is a very special country and we can never thank God enough for His blessings upon us. More than any country, God has blessed us with Devils of different versions, enough to last us till the end of time. From government devils to business to science to religion, and our devils are never tired of preaching how to make it to heaven. Brothers and sisters, aren’t we verily blessed?

There is a very sweet proverb that the devil you know is better than the angel you don’t know. Who angel eep? Angel that will just be speaking English but will never do giveaway. Angel that we don’t even know what will become of him, we don’t like angels around here. We would rather stick with the old devils that we have come to understand how they attack and wrap it up with the promises of heaven than living in fear of what may happen – the fear of uncertainty with angels. We make memes out of the antics of our devils. We love our devils.

Our devils are not spontaneous, we know their reach – even if they sell this country, they won’t still be breaking our hearts. Remember the aged was once young and trendy, and the devil was once an angel. If an angel would eventually turn to a devil, why not kuku stick with the ones we know than investing in another transition that will cost us a huge amount of resources?

Exactly 10 am on 30th of April 2020, I was routinely scrolling through my Twitter timeline when I bumped into an article. It was yet another masterclass on how to make heaven from hellfire but this one is titled “How to Pull Nigeria from the Brink.” Can you guess which devil dropped that one? It is okay if you can’t; I did not see his name too. I got carried away by the brilliant composition and presentation of the sermon that I almost forgot it was coming from the pit of hell. The devil is not always a liar, you know. In fact, Nigerian devils are not liars at all. They are only prudent in the department of truth and transparency. As a people, we can’t afford to lavish our truth reserve; it will crush us.

The article highlighted some challenges caused by the devils in power. This devil atikulated – with serious figures – his resentment of how the ruling devils have refused to accept that Hellfire’s economy will sink alongside the oil market and how economic diversification has been overlooked over and over. He brilliantly claimed that oil is not the future and mentioned how others are already making it to heaven by steering away from the oil economy. No lies. He indirectly implored his counterpart from the other section of hell fire to wake up and start building another embezzlement funnel in Agriculture. Soon, oil money no go reach share again.

Believe me, this devil is brilliant and filled with progressive ideas but, wo, devils never run out of ideas when they need something. As a devil, you must be able to embellish your BS with irresistible offers. A devil with good ideas is automatically an angel. And this is why Hellfire will remain hellfire. He continued to lay down his true claim. He urged the devils in power to do everything he forgot to do when he was in power. What a nationalist! What a patriotic devil! He’s gradually winning me over, one more masterclass like this and he will become my favorite devil too.

He also said no devil deserves to keep 10 planes in the Presidential Air Fleet, not even Baba-Satan himself. He said Baba-Satan is still using the plane that transported him from heaven to hellfire many years ago; he said others should learn prudence and leadership from their father who dwells in hell. But you know if not for fight, music would not have turned into proverbial insult. To be fair, you shouldn’t tell people not to enjoy what you enjoyed during your time.

My fav further said managers seek out to manage the existing resources while leaders launch out a creative pathway to see the nation to political and socio-economic greatness, and he identify as a leader and not a manager. He said the problem with the devils in power is that they completely lack the creativity of true leadership and are even doing a terrible job as managers. Where is the lie? Another true yarn in the bag.

“How did our country go from being a net exporter of agriculture products to a net importer of food products? How did we go from a country that could feed itself to one that desperately depends on foreign imports for survival? The answer to these question is leadership focus.”

Don’t be surprised, the devil actually wanted you to answer those questions. Oh, hold up, he answered it, my fav is the most considerate among his peers. He said our problem is leadership focus. Wow! Who would have thought that’s the source of our problem?

How do you spell hypocrisy in your language? Don’t get the wrong idea; this is definitely not hypocrisy but the height of patriotism. Ask questions, hold your leader accountable, offer solutions if you have any. It is not hypocrisy to have a double face except when you actually claim to have a single one. Now you can clearly see why my devil is not a hypocrite but a staunch nationalist; his face is one. Meanwhile chose your devil wisely because, for a very long time, you won’t be escaping this hellfire. Next time you see or hear a devil preaching how to make heaven, take a seat and be attentive because devils don’t lie.

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