By: Dosunmu Damilare
Hello Imam of Pieces;
How are you doing? I’ll save you the niceties, you don’t deserve it. See, I have not come in peace and of course I have not brought war either (because you can’t handle it). I’m writing to warn you for the last time. I would have addressed you by the name your father and mother christened you (or muslimed or whatever you) but I don’t know it and I’m not sure I want to. If at the end of the day your insulter appetite survives this letter, do what you do best – reply, but be generous with your real name and address. (If not that Shekau said he needs a name and address, who has that time?)
My name is Sinzu Money as you have rightfully guessed and I’m the President of the rotten giant of Africa. Google that, beesh! For weeks now, since the break out of COVIK-1-9, you’ve turned me, my able office and country into a Twitter punching bag, hitting us from both sides. I don’t know if it was boredom or, as my wife has said, it was the hole in your brain.
My patriotic citizens pleaded with you to stop but you needed to have your fill of attention or maybe your employer hasn’t signaled you to halt. I don’t give two flying dolphins. Since the mouth must chop, the mouth must talk. You have taken the advantage of the laziness of my country’s youth to sit comfortably on the good sides of their hearts. Because of small giveaways, they now sing your praises and forget the man who liberated them from that wasteful Jonah. Don’t worry, they will soon know you for who you are… a nonpareil hate monger. Peace my foot.
Even when my children confronted you and urged you to stop ridiculing their father, you served them with murderous uppercuts. Bashir is still complaining of jaw ache. Poor child. When my adorable Adamu was going to get Ibufine for his brother, he got exposed and contacted COVIDIOCY. Even my brilliant adopted fencist son Abdul-Juwa got a blow in his stomach – he has been vomiting okoto-meow since then.
Why did you lash on little children? Why? You have exhausted all your decency. Do you know you can be prosecuted for child abuse at the international court? I’m sure that’s not strange to you. If not, why did you flee your country? Don’t even say ISIS because that ticket don cut tey-tey and your cover has been handicapped. The breeze has blown and we’ve seen the fowl’s anus.
Your lack of Islamic knowledge is deafening and you are scamming the world with your religious tolerance. Even though the world knows that the Imam in your name is a format, at least brush up your act and make it worth the show. Shege! With your fake turban that looks like an alloy rim. Idiot. I know you are a yahoo boy trying to cash-out, it is all hustle to you. Na by force? Must I allow you to help with Zaks or Boko Haram? Let me tell you, Zaks is like a little child and I’ve put him where he belongs. Since I’m not a monster like you’ve ignorantly peddled, he is having the time of his life. The last time I asked him to go home, he refused. Why am I even explaining? Rubbish!
Meanwhile, there is nothing like Boko Haram in my country anymore you outdated son of a beesh. Boko Haram is water under the bridge, they are now Chad’s trouble – shebi their president has claimed he knows combat. We shall see.
Imam of Pieces or what is your name (nonsense! henceforth, you will be addressed as 419). Wait, do you know I’m a retired soja and once a soja, always a soja? If I handle you and your 2G destiny, your family, your employer, and your brainwashed fans will be sorry for you. In fact, come to Nigeria if they birthed you well, Bello El-Rufai my godson is enough for you. Danboroba! Yes, Bello is not a soja o, but I trust it takes one dirty uncouth mouth to handle the other.
All these days, I’ve been silent and kept my cool as if I did not hear or see anything, it was because of Spending. Spending is dead now, your own aff done. As if you haven’t orchestrated enough nuisance, you dare speak ill of the man who has been inadvertently saving your arse, by suppressing my resentments towards your antics. You are so bold now that you issue libelous diatribes at will, uncensored as if I was your mate. Spending died of COVIK-1-9 and I’m saddened, my heart is broken. The whole country is grieving a hero and you’re talking in the rubbish. He was my friend and confidant, and also your saviour. What if the whole country attended his Janaza? What if? You didn’t expect Spending to enter the ground like a commoner? Of course, you did, if not…
419! 419! 419! How many times did I call you? If you still have functioning ears and a brain, stop this bickering, stop this sickly obsession with my name and country, else – even Australia won’t be enough for you to hide. I’m giving you the last warning because I trust it is what you will eat that you are looking for, now hit the brakes before it kills you. It is better for your masquerade to retire from the express now; you’ve done well. You are not the first, ask Saworo Ide. Return what’s left of the money you collected from your contractor and tell them you are done. Don’t worry, send your Aza. I’ll tell Jacuzzi to do you better, let us change your life.
President of the Rotten Giant of Africa.