Satire 0-1 News: Missing INEC staff, Sowore may be knocked down if released, and other stories
Facts are oftentimes stranger than fiction just as news is oftentimes more hilarious than satire. We live in a world (or country?) where journalists have, without intending it, become greater…
Bubu congratulates Hayaya Bail-Low on reelection, urges him to owe 48 months salaries
“Mr Governor, I urge you to develop their sufferings and glorify their poverty. That is one cornerstone of our party’s policies – domesticating poverty massively and celebrating corrupt officials, willful abuse of court orders and rape of the nation’s constitution. 38 months of unpaid salaries are just the tip of the iceberg. Owe them 48 months.”
Kogi elections: Was democracy raped?
Because the Presidency holds the lives of the citizens in high esteem, they have to, first of all, congratulate whoever wins in Kogi, applaud INEC for a job well done and shower encomium on security operatives before they — if they will — count the number of lost lives, rough-handled citizens, injured voters, and traumatised individuals. Meanwhile, it is an offence to mentally or physically endanger any kind of animal in the UK.
Democracy files for divorce. ‘I’m leaving Nigeria for Dubai,’ she says.
Democracy said she can no longer tolerate Nigeria’s abusive behaviour. Almost consistently, he hits her with the rattan cane of electoral malpractice, the bullwhip of press censorship, as well as the leather belts of indiscriminate arrests and illegal detentions. According to her, the injuries she sustained from the gubernatorial elections in Kogi and Bayelsa states, where both electoral materials and electoral officials went missing, nearly killed her.
Politician who hopes people are ‘that stupid’ goes on his knees to get his failed colleague re-elected
The combination of a few thousand nairas, some derica of local rice, and El-Rufus’s touching apology for his blood-sucking political ally, a new poll revealed, has significantly swayed the electorate in favour of Bail-Low.
You-High authorities endorse SU presidential candidate, VC explains why
“I see nothing bad in damaging banners so far it’s not the school’s properties,” he said. “The aspirants should feel free to do what they like, but what they don’t know is that the results of the elections are ready. So they would only be foolish to keep antagonising themselves. Our preferred candidate for President is from Law.”
UI VC sets SU electoral rules, warns against allowing beardless contestants for presidency
“As part of your duties, you must diligently scrutinise all candidates and ensure that only those whose beards are naturally grown contest for president. This is a non-negotiable criterion. Any contestant with artificial beards must be screened out outright and his name forwarded to the Student Disciplinary Committee (SDC) for betrayal of nature and impersonation.”
An introduction to Fundamental Human Rights: the Nigerian sub-species
Just like any other progressive government in today’s world, the Nigerian government holds the subject of “human rights” to be of paramount importance. Fundamental human rights are so important they…
The VP’s Dictionary: Activist, constituted authority, corruption, and 22 other words
Collins Dictionary, for instance, defines a road as “a long piece of hard ground which is built between two places so that people can drive or ride easily from one place to the other”. That’s correct you know—but only as long as you don’t import that understanding to Nigeria. Things are much different here… So different we’d need the entire dictionary rewritten to suit our realities. Here, a road would be more appropriately defined as “a warzone where potholes are mines, shock absorbers are shields, curses are bullets—and from which every soldier returns home a casualty”.