… where sa-tyres never go flat
… where sa-tyres never go flat
It’s like approaching climax or sniffing cocaine; we are addicted to it. Even if it means some Albino would sit in an air-conditioned room in the Queen’s land and say we are underdeveloped or underdeveloping, that’s their problem. At least it’s our country and we have pledged to be faithful, loyal, and (dis)honest to it.
23. Zebra crossing: (n) A row of parallel white lines painted on major roads to beautify them and generally make a city look modern, and which have been found to confuse and endanger the lives of people with an ‘abroad mentality’ who think the lines serve some other purpose.
You all know this tale differently, and only a part of it; an abridged version told to comfort our fear of acknowledgement of the truth, and the error of our ways. But I’ll tell you today what happened in our village in Miltonshire, England. It was a year of dread and terror.
Start with a ‘populist’ programme and make plenty of noise to affirm your campaign promises and resonate with the electorate. A bit of noisy razzmatazz on Boko Haram, funding for agriculture, some high profile arrests on corruption charges and, more importantly, painting the opposition and critics black. Hammer on the point that you are not a thief.
Once you are born in Nigeria, you already have the special privilege of being a citizen of the poverty capital of the world. At this point, you must pray hard even before you can talk, so you are not one of the 4 in 10 Nigerians living in extreme poverty. If you even happen not to be at the point of birth, your prayers must not cease, lest you are one of the 6 Nigerians falling into poverty every minute.
Let’s come home. Who needs much education or enlightenment to be a senator? You’d better perfect your bootlicking skills, master the art of making empty promises, follow the orders of your Alpha; and you’re on your way to Abuja.
Ever since the inception of Nigeria, her leaders have always been full of promises upon promises, without action. We should just rename the country the Land of Promise or the Federal Republic of Dreams.
Wait for it: If Nigeria should happen to you, your father would keep visiting the United States of America for the slightest headache, but he will emphasise that irrespective of how ill you are you must not go beyond the United States of Abule-Egba in the search for a cure to your ailment — in order to save some token for national development and increase the rate of underdevelopment in the country.
You cannot tell whether you live in a colony simply by looking at your constitution. Constitutions have lots of dead letters: rights that are there in writing but dead-on-delivery. To help you decide the colonial status of your country, we put together this rough-and-ready ten-point test.
A group of hard-working and smart Nigerians have taken to Twitter to share their 100 per cent true stories of saving money from their little earnings. Hoping others, especially members of the Youth Wing of the Union of Lazy Nigerians, will learn from their experiences, they also disclosed the mind-blowing things they have invested the savings in, including building houses and hospitals.
