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The T.A. Report

T.B. Josh blames unfulfilled prophecy on shutdown, self-isolating angels

T.B. Josh blames unfulfilled prophecy on shutdown, self-isolating angels

LAGOS (The T.A. Report) ―  Africa’s third-richest Man of God, first-class miracle worker, and revered founder of the Sinagag Church of All Nations (SCAN), T.B. Josh, has provided an airtight explanation for why his famous prophecy about the coronavirus pandemic did not come to pass.

Josh had disclosed an exclusive revelation from the Almighty during a recent church service foretelling the end of COVID-19, the infectious disease caused by the virus.

“This month, 27th, it will be over. By the end of this month, whether we like it or not, no matter the medicine they have produced to cure whatever, it will go the way it came,” Uncle Josh had said.

“If it is not medicine that brought this to the world, medicine cannot take it out. It will go the way it came. My concern now is not you; my concern is about your career. You can’t travel freely, you can’t go freely. I know many places you do businesses, you can’t go there.

“This March, from now till that 27th, you have to be in an attitude of prayer. The rain I talked about will continue today, tomorrow, and it will just continue. In the night, you will see what will happen.”

In a press statement released on Saturday, however, the Man of God said, first of all, the prophecy was provisional as people were urged to be in an attitude of prayer, and that sadly the postponement of church services across the country has prevented this from happening.

“Also, you have to understand that the few supplications that were made could not be delivered to Heaven’s post office for two reasons. One, the airports are on partial shutdown and only medical supplies are currently being admitted up there. Second, I’ve been told most of the Angels are currently self-isolating. Only those performing essential services such as carrying the Almighty’s throne and singing his praises are still working.”

“We certainly did not expect all that to happen,” he added.

The press statement nonetheless, some members of the Sinagog Church have started reporting that they were miraculously cured of COVID-19 on Friday, March 27 ― exactly as prophesied.

“Since Monday, I’ve been having dry cough and my whole body has been shaking like someone possessed by the devil,” Dickson Odewale, a devoted member of SCAN, recounted. “But at exactly 12 midday on Friday, I became healed again. I did not go to the hospital. I did not call NCDC. I did not take drugs. I was cured, just like that. Hallelujah! Hallelujah!”

Another member of the church, who asked to be identified as Jesus Baby Nwachukwu, said on Thursday she shook hands with no less than 15 people infected with coronavirus, and then the following day she took an online test and, “praise be to God”, was told she was negative.

“What people need to know is that once your soul is sanitised, you don’t need hand sanitisers,” she advised.

Meanwhile, the church has reportedly suspended church services for next Sunday and Monday at the Sinagog owing to the pandemic, which, as God would have it, has refused to exit the world stage.

Caveat: Note that this piece is a fictional satire aimed purely at humour. The words above are nothing but products of a drunk writer’s imagination. We hereby refuse to accept responsibility for the results of anyone’s credulity or mischief. Do not take us seriously. We repeat; do not take us serious! … On second thought though, maybe you should do just that.

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I am Tubosun, the first son of Ajanaku; and my forte lies in casting light upon the bottomless pits of societal ills through the pastiche of news and satire.

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