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The T.A. Report

Covid-19: Nigerians hoard empathy, urge infected politicians to locate ‘nearest transformers’

Covid-19: Nigerians hoard empathy, urge infected politicians to locate ‘nearest transformers’

NIGERIAN TWITTER (The T.A. Report) ― In the wake of the coronavirus’s decision to paint Nigerian towns red, with particular attention paid to the infamous “corridors of power”, citizens of the country have abandoned their leaders in their time of need and, in fact, encouraged them to self-copulate.

The T.A. Report gathers that while the rest of the world practises social distancing, Nigerians have named this new trend “Emotional Distancing from Enemies of Progress (EDEP)”.

“We need to take additional precautions because of our peculiar circumstances as a country,” said William Akpe, one of the leading online advocates of EDEP, in a press statement.

“For everybody who has been victimised by the system, we certainly have some empathy. But for the politicians, we’re sorry, all we can afford is abundant apathy. Nigerians have decided to keep their empathies only for critical, genuinely heartbreaking cases of tragedy. Sadly, we don’t have enough to go round.”

Akpe added that it is because of the country’s crop of leaders that Nigerians could not afford to partake in panic-buying and all they have left to their names are some coins of empathy. “Now they want to have that too? After impoverishing and endangering us in this time of crisis? It cannot work.”

“We, in fact, urge all Nigerian politicians whom the universe has favoured in the ongoing matchmaking with coronavirus to locate the nearest transformers for their empathy,” he concluded, adding that they should remember not to touch anyone on their way to the deadly electrical devices.


Meanwhile, the politicians have decided to hoard some things for themselves too: starting with medical materials donated by the Jack Ma Foundation. Our correspondent could not confirm if this was a kind of payback or it is just a case of Nigerian politicians being themselves.

“At least 100 ventilators have been allocated to the president, and 50 to each federal lawmaker and state governor,” one source quarantining at the Aso Villa clinic told us between light coughs.

“They said they are too used to English and German medical facilities to entrust their lives to cheap Chinese products. If one fails, there have to be at least 99 others waiting in line as backup.”

Caveat: Note that this piece is a fictional satire aimed purely at humour. The words above are nothing but products of a drunk writer’s imagination. We hereby refuse to accept responsibility for the results of anyone’s credulity or mischief. Do not take us seriously. We repeat; do not take us serious! … On second thought though, maybe you should do just that.

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I am Tubosun, the first son of Ajanaku; and my forte lies in casting light upon the bottomless pits of societal ills through the pastiche of news and satire.

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4 years ago

This is a beautiful read, really. And yeah, let’s laugh away the sorrows caused by the pandemic. Shall we? And, (light coughs) wash, watch and pray! 😀
Well done, y’all.

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