ACROSS NIGERIA (The T.A. Report) ― Millions of spiritually excited Nigerians, who are confident they are immune against the ruthless and widespread coronavirus, are getting set to converge in numbers at various religious houses across the country in spite of announcements warning otherwise.
While some mosques and churches are putting congregational services on hold, our correspondent gathered from various WhatsApp groups that these self-professedly immune Nigerians will be gathering for intense prayer sessions against what they have termed the “end-time virus”.
“No virus fashioned against us shall prosper, says the Lord,” a senior pastor said in one of the groups monitored. “We are children of the Most High, formed in his image, and since the Lord cannot have coronavirus, automatically we are also immune.
“This corona thing was designed by God to test our resolve and see if we remain faithful. And that is why, next Sunday, we will be having a special 10-hour long prayer session to banish every virus from this world. All spirits of coughing, sneezing, and premature death must die by fire!”
The T.A. Report understands that members of the church will be holding hands during the scheduled service and possibly standing close enough to spit directly into each other’s faces.
Some Muslims, obtained WhatsApp chats have revealed, also believe the virus outbreak is God’s way of punishing disbelieving nations and bad people in general. Dr Abubakr Imam Aliagan, a “renowned Islamic scholar”, has in fact encouraged Muslims to continue visiting mosques for prayers in their numbers since they are spiritually fortified against the plague.
“Even in France, I learnt that those that are completely free from contacting coronavirus are Muslim ladies and women who cover their face, use hand gloves and don’t shake hands with people,” he noted confidently.
Other scholars have suggested the Zamzam, water from a popular well in Mecca, as a cure for the disease; and yet there are those who have strangely prohibited the use of hand sanitisers as a means of protection because of the alcoholic content.
Meanwhile, actual scientists who know what they are saying (with degrees from Ivy League schools and all) have maintained that the coronavirus does not respect provisions of the Geneva Conventions.
“Though in times of war, buildings dedicated to religion and charitable purposes are guaranteed immunity from attacks, surprisingly the virus does not appear to comply with or even recognise this basic international law,” said Harvey Harvard, an expert in Humanitarian Medicine.
“We, therefore, urge people to stay indoors and pray in their homes till the pandemic is finally contained.”
Caveat: Note that this piece is a fictional satire aimed purely at humour. The words above are nothing but products of a drunk writer’s imagination. We hereby refuse to accept responsibility for the results of anyone’s credulity or mischief. Do not take us seriously. We repeat; do not take us serious! … On second thought though, maybe you should do just that.